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Ashton Kutcher

5Ashton Kutcher Gets Punk’d and a 12-year-old Gets Arrested For It

Man, times sure are changing. When I was a kid, a good prank was calling someone and asking for Seymour Butts or Anita Mann, which either makes me sound like I grew up in the ’50s or I’m a character from The Simpsons. These days, shit is getting serious – there’s apparently something called “swatting” that’s all the rage at the moment. Basically, kids (and unemployed adults with no common sense) call authorities to report a serious crime, hoping it’ll get a SWAT team on the scene. That’s it. There’s nothing else to it. I once called 911 accidentally as a kid and nearly shit myself, so I can’t imagine doing this deliberately, but that’s exactly what a 12-year-old did… to Ashton Kutcher.

From The Los Angeles Times:

A 12-year-old who allegedly made prank calls to police that in one incident sent officers rushing to actor Ashton Kutcher’s home was charged Thursday with making false bomb threats and other counts related to “swatting.”

The term “swatting” refers to prank calls reporting a violent crime with the aim of earning a tactical police response that may include a SWAT team.

The incident at Kutcher’s home on Arrowhead Drive occurred in early October. Police received the report through a TTY device, generally used by deaf people to type text over the telephone, and responded as if it were a true emergency.

They briefly held some workers there at gunpoint before reaching Kutcher and concluding it was a hoax.

The 12-year-old, whose name is not being released because of his age, also allegedly made a prank call to police about a week after the Kutcher incident, saying there was an emergency at a Wells Fargo Bank on Wilshire Boulevard, according to a news release from the Los Angeles County district attorney’s office.

The boy is scheduled to be arraigned in Eastlake Juvenile Court on Friday and will face two felony counts each of making false bomb threats and computer intrusion, the district attorney’s office said.

When I was in 7th grade, some girl named Courtney called in a bomb threat to our middle school and we got to spend all afternoon out on the bleachers behind the football field while firemen combed the building. Nothing turned up and Courtney was expelled, and we never heard anything about her since. Let this be a lesson, pre-teens. No good comes from crime!

In all seriousness, swatting is stupid as hell and so pointless, I can’t even fathom how it became a thing. Not to mention that emergency workers have actual jobs to do and don’t need to put up with idiots who have nothing better to do than report fake crimes. Still, it’s kind of hilarious that this happened to Ashton because of the whole Punk’d thing and because he’s a toolbox who probably shit himself when the police turned up. I wonder if Mila was there at the time?

February 8, 2013 at 6:30 am by Jennifer
Filed Under: Ashton Kutcher

2Let’s Watch Ashton Kutcher’s Crap Acting Skills in This ‘jOBS’ Clip, OK?

Tell me this movie isn’t going to be a big, stinking piledriver of shit, huh? Poor Steve Jobs. To be memorialized by the bumbling, airheaded Michael Kelso … I can’t think of a bigger posthumous insult. Egad.

January 25, 2013 at 11:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Ashton Kutcher

4Mila Kunis is Probably Already Sick of Ashton Kutcher’s Sh-t

[Image removed upon request]
But of course, how could she not be? He‘s allowed to walk around looking like this ^^ while she’s supposed to have full f-cking airbrush makeup on while exercising instead of looking like … well, this? Sure, that’s fair. Completely fair.

But even though you might want to chalk Mila’s “whatever” face up to the idea that maybe Ashton’s just talking about the fat grams in his turkey sausage bagel, let me tell you, it’s not. No, that picture up there is pretty priceless—it says a lot. It actually says things like how Mila’s probably got the upper hand in this situation, and how she’s really only using Ashton for sex and maybe a little public humiliation. It says how Ashton is just a miserable asshole who doesn’t even look happy when his girlfriend looks like this, and just how pathetic that is:

photo of mila and ashton on vacation brazil pics
See? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. All I know is that if you can’t please everyone, then you should probably just punch Ashton Kutcher in the face, because that seems appropriate in almost any circumstance.

January 7, 2013 at 7:30 am by Sarah

4Ashton’s Mad at Mila for Looking Like This

photo of mila kunis looking rough pictures
So take it with a grain of salt, but hey. From Star Magazine:

When Ashton Kutcher started dating Mila Kunis earlier this year, he thought he’d hit the romantic jackpot – not only was she Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive in 2012, he’s been crushing on her ever since their days as costars on That ‘70s Show. But as the couple’s relationship has grown, so has Mila – to the tune of nearly 50 lbs, much of it put on for her upcoming film Blood Ties – and insiders say Ashton’s feeling uneasy about his girlfriend’s transformation.

“When they started dating, he thought Mila was one of the hottest girls in the world,” a source tells Star. “But in the eight months or so they’ve been together, she’s totally let herself go.”

A big part of the issue – perhaps even more than her dress size – is Mila’s increasingly frumpy appearance. Mila has been photographed looking tired in baggy sweats and no makeup consistently.

“When Ashton broke up with wife Demi Moore, he was ready to have a relationship with a low maintenance girl, but now he’s saying Mila is TOO low maintenance,” says our source. “Demi may have been crazy, but she always made sure to look good for Ashton, whereas Mila acts like she couldn’t care less.”

When Ashton dropped a major hint recently in the form of a $250,000 Christmas makeover package, Mila took the gift as a huge insult. “She told Ashton is he wanted a fake, plastic girl, he should have stayed with Demi. That’s when he snapped and told her, ‘You’re worse than Demi!’”

Oh burn. “You’re worse than Demi“? Who the f-ck says that? Oh, right—Ashton Kutcher allegedly does. And though it’s Star, I can still kind of see this being a real thing. Ashton definitely seems to be the type to bail on a girl who isn’t looking her best at all times, and yeah, Star has posted a lot of incredible shit over the years, but this is still probably the most believable thing they’ve run with.

Whatever, though. No surprise. Ashton’s totally That Douche who wants nothing more than a hot, relevant trophy wife and a hot nobody to bang on the side. If Mila‘s OK with that then these two might have a shot. If not? Well. You saw how quickly Ashton moved on post-Demi—I don’t think Mila would really be any different in Ashton’s eyes anyway.

December 28, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah

0Demi Moore Was “Shocked” That Ashton Kutcher Filed for Divorce

A photo of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore

Yeah, I don’t know. “Shocked” doesn’t really seem like the right word here, does it? Like, Demi probably would have been shocked if Ashton had filed for divorce about two years ago, but since they’ve been separated for over a year, and since Ashton has a brand new relationship that’s been going strong for a few months now (Ashton brought Mila Kunis home to Iowa for Christmas, by the way), it just doesn’t seem all that shocking.

But here’s the deal:

Even though they separated more than a year ago, Demi Moore was described as being “shocked” when her estranged hubby Ashton Kutcher filed for divorce last Friday, according to a new report.

Despite this, in just-released photos taken only two days after Kutcher filed papers in Los Angeles Superior Court to formally end his marriage, the Ghost star appeared in good spirits as she shopped with a companion in Los Angeles Sunday.

Moore  – who’s endured a tough year, which included a stint in rehab and estrangement from her three daughters, Rumer, Tallulah and Scout — had been hoping to quietly settle with her cheating husband and then file divorce papers, according to Wednesday’s edition of The New York Post. “Demi had hoped to negotiate a financial settlement quietly,” a source told Page Six, “and then file paperwork afterwards to show the matter had been settled.”

But, the source added, the negotiations got too bogged down and Kutcher — TV’s highest- paid actor — became frustrated and pulled the trigger earlier. “Demi was asking for so much money, and [the negotiation] was dragging on so long, that Kutcher got fed up and filed papers, which means their divorce negotiations will become more public.”

I’m not an Ashton Kutcher fan by any means, but I do kind of feel sorry for him. All he wants to do is get divorced from the wife he cheated on without giving her too much money so he can get married to a brand new wife to cheat on, is that so much to ask for? Poor, poor Ashton.

December 26, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Emily

12Ashton Kutcher Finally Got Sick of Demi Moore’s Sh-t, Filed for Divorce

photo of demi moore and ashton kutcher pictures
From People:

Ashton Kutcher has filed for divorce from Demi Moore.

The papers were filed Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court. Kutcher, 34, citing irreconcilable differences, isn’t seeking any spousal support nor is he asking the court to deny Moore any. The documents also show that because the couple had no children together, child support and visitation are not an issue.

So it’s about one of three things, by my best guess. One, Ashton wants to up and marry his long-time love, Mila Kunis, and he can’t very well do that while he’s still married to Demi Moore; two, Ashton’s sick of being tied to a trainwreck, no matter how far removed; or three, he’s just one of those procrastinating type of people, and if that’s the case, that shit really gets on my nerves.

Oh, wait, right. No, the fact that he cheated on Demi to begin with, abused her trust and feelings, and then rebounded with chicks mere weeks after being kicked out of his house. No, you’re totally right—that’s the kind of shit that really gets on my nerves.

Demi might be an unstable dumbass, but Ashton Kutcher is the devil, guys. And a stupid devil, at that.

December 21, 2012 at 5:30 pm by Sarah
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