Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Ashton Kutcher

Uh, Ashton Kutcher’s Coaching High-School Football

The freshman football team at LA’s exclusive Harvard-Westlake school just got a whole lot cooler than varsity.

Ashton Kutcher is their new assistant coach.

And, no, it’s not for a role. “I asked him why he wanted to coach,” said the head coach of the team about Ashton’s interview process. “He said he’s a dad, he has three daughters, and none of them are into sports. He loves football, and he said he’d always wanted to coach.”

Ashton will attend practice five days a week and receive a salary for the gig. I just think this is funny because I bet there were a handful of frosh dudes who made the varsity or JV teams and acted like they were the fucking coolest thing ever because of it and now the guys they were being dicks to are all like, “Yeah, dude, enjoy playing on JV. I’ll be there next year. This year, though, I’m just gonna enjoy getting head from every chick in school because Ashton Kutcher is my fucking football coach. Peace.”

And don’t waste your time scrutinizing every inch of the team’s website for Ashton’s contact info or naked locker room photos — neither is there. I already looked. A lot.

Ashton Kutcher’s Ex-Girlfriend Was Murdered???

This is a story I clearly missed the first time around.

A former girlfriend of Ashton Kutcher, 22-year-old Ashley Ellerin, was found murdered in her Hollywood Hills apartment in 2001. Police arrested an air-conditioning repairman, 32-year-old Michael Thomas Gargiulo, for the murder — he is also accused of murdering another woman and attacking a third — and he plead not guilty on Thursday. In all three cases, Gargiulo lived near the victims, and the women were stabbed in their homes, police said.

He’s currently being held pending $1.1M bail.

Reportedly, Ashley was supposed to attend a Grammy party with Ashton the night she was murdered. When he showed up to get her and no one answered the door, he peeked around the back window and saw what he thought were red wine stains on her floor. He thought nothing of it and went to the party without her. The wine stains turned out to be blood stains, when her roommate came home and found her body the next morning.

Ashley’s parents later accused Ashton of hampering her murder investigation for not calling the police right away.

How awful!!!

Supporting the Kiddo!

You guys, something wonderful has happened in the past few hours.

I left the office around three feeling grumpy and annoyed with the world. I was just in one of those little funks where, despite the fact that my life is essentially perfect, I’m still like “I never get what I want, nothing is fair, why do I even try, I’m so over everything.” I just wanted to throw a temper tantrum and hit people in the face.

Then I did a half hour on the elliptical machine at the gym, staring out the window at the glorious, pounding, cool Seattle rain, spent time getting honest with some friends, did an hour and a half of yoga and then came home to find a hundred new pictures of Rumer Willis at the House Bunny premiere on a photo service. And you know what? I felt not a tinge of hatred. I am relaxed and at peace with the world. I have nothing mean to say about Rumer right now. I have nothing mean to say about Ashton. I have nothing mean to say about Demi Moore. And there are like a million mean things to say about why Bruce Willis isn’t there, but I don’t feel like typing out any of them.

I think it’s sweet that there is obviously so much love and support in that family. This is a big day for Rumer and how wonderful that they can be there to cheer her on.

Look at me!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Don’t worry kids, this won’t last. Otherwise I’d be out of a job.

OMG I Wish I Could Have Gotten the “Sex Talk” from Ashton Kutcher

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Ohhhhh, I remember the sex talk. I tried to avoid it forever. Whenever my mom would be like, “We need to have a serious conversation, Beet,” I’d be like, “I have anywhere else to be.” And sometimes I would just shout at her that I hated her and run away. At one point, she resorted to putting a copy of What’s Happening to My Body? in the bathroom cabinet. This made the bathroom cabinet taboo to me, and I refused to open it, even to get a fresh roll of toilet paper. I knew what was inside: that evil, evil book. I could seriously think of absolutely nothing worse than talking to my mother about sex, my menstrual period, my breasts, or anything even remotely similar.

This is when I was 11 or 12, and my mother was a stay-at-home mom. Today, my mother is a licensed sex therapist, and has painting of penises all over my old bedroom, which is now her office, and the shelves are packed with books with names like “The Female Orgasm” and “Navigating Oral Sex” and “Sisters,” which is a book of black-and-white nude, lesbianesque photographs, which a boyfriend once picked up on his very first visit to my mother’s house, thinking it had an innocent-enough title. “Oh,” he said, “This is porn.” My mom was like, “Oh, no, sweetheart. That’s art. If you want porn, it’s in the other room.” I very nearly died. Of laughter.

Anyway, Ashton Kutcher’s talking to Elle about having the sex talk with Demi Moore’s daughters, who I’m sure are delighted beyond words to have Ashton Kutcher giving them their sex talk. It would be like if Joey McIntyre had been there to talk to me about having sex at age 11. It just would have made the whole experience a lot more awesome.

Says Ashton:

“I knew that one of the girls had had sex and hadn’t really talked to us about it, so I wanted to create an open forum for her. So over Christmas last year, we had a conversation about sex — all of us except Tallulah, the youngest … and one boyfriend was there.”

Why doesn’t Tallulah get the sex talk?? She’s 14 years old! Who the hell isn’t having sex at 14 these days?

He also chats with the girls about weed:

“I’ve learned how to talk to a kid about sex and drugs — pot in particular. … You can’t try to conceal any of your own history. Because when they find out about you, you become a liar. … ‘You’re not going to die,’ but I also told them that I have a lot of friends who I used to smoke pot with, and a lot of them are still just hanging out smoking pot.”

Oh, Ashton. Come over to my place and talk sex and drugs to me. I’ll be an eager student.