Punk’d. Justin Bieber is going to be the new host of Punk’d.
This news hit me in waves. I was like “oh, I always love Justin Bieber news. Wait, they’re bringing back Punk’d? I wonder if Ashton … oh no!” And then my brain synced all the information together, and then it promptly exploded. That’s how great this news is.
Things aren’t set in stone yet – according to the original article, Bieber “has been all but officially tapped as the host” of the revival of Punk’d. And just in case you’re wondering, good ol’ Ashton Kutcher is going to be on hand as the executive producer of the show, so natch Ashton would be dropping by for some on-air shenanigans. Let’s just take a moment to consider the overwhelming douchiness that would invade the entire planet with the prankster team of Bieber and Kutcher. And now let’s consider the “celebrities” that weren’t famous when the original edition of Punk’d was around …
Justin Bieber and Ashton Kutcher are going to bring about the End Times by pranking the entire cast of Jersey Shore and releasing the most powerful douchiness the world has ever known at once in 2012. And that’s just the way it’s going to have to be.
Or he might have been cheating on her for a while and just now got caught. Or he might have done nothing, because this story was originally published in Star. Anything’s possible, but since Ashton hasn’t been looking too happy lately, and since many people have always said that Ashton would eventually cheat, I’m going to go ahead and believe that there may be at least a grain of truth to this story.
Here’s the original report from Star:
Their 15-year age gap always made Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore seem like an unlikely match. And now, just five years after getting married, the couple’s relationship is in danger of falling apart as Star breaks the bombshell news that the actor was caught cheating with a sexy, young 20-something. In the Sept. 13 issue of Star, on sale today, we report that an eyewitness saw the Punk’d mastermind kissing and groping a hot young blonde by an out-of-the-way bathroom at Italian restaurant Madeo in L.A.
“Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her,” an eyewitness, who was on his way to the restroom tells Star. “I was shocked to see him sucking face with a girl who obviously wasn’t Demi.”
When Demi learns the truth of about the steamy session — which Ashton’s rep denied — it will be her worst fear come true.
“All along, Demi was told it would never work, that he’s going to cheat,” a friend tells Star. “When she finds out that it happened, she’ll be devastated.”
What do you guys think? Is Ashton still so in love with Demi, or is he gearing up to be another Tiger Woods?
Though, in my opinion, with no Ashton Kutcher in tow, (I heard he was grounded and couldn’t leave the house ’til he lost fifteen pounds) the premiere kind of fell flat. You know, unlike Heigl’s Aqua Net hair.
I’m not a Katherine Heigl fan, nor have I ever been, but I have to admit that she looks absolutely, positively stunning in all of these photos. Even the hair, which looks like it’s been channeled from beyond the grave of the deceased Julia Sugarbaker, suits her well in these photos.
My final opinion? She looks fabulously gorgeous and there’s no taking that away from her this time.
And I’ve always been a pretty big fan of Demi’s, though she definitely went off the deep end with the plastic surgery a few years ago, so it’s kind of a shame that I have to use unkind words to talk about her. Like “asshole.” And “arrogant, judgmental twat.” But if there’s any credence to these rumors (and they don’t sound like rumors at all to me, considering they’re coming directly from the horse’s mouth), then she really needs to check her ego, like, yesterday.
Moore’s much younger husband, Ashton Kutcher, speaks to the UK’s GMTV and claims that wifey is disappointed with the way his body looks as of late, especially since he buffed up and out for his most recent movie, Killers:
“Unfortunately… I kinda wish that I hadn’t (let her see the movie) because now she expects (my body) to look like that and it doesn’t. You can’t maintain that. That’s not possible. I disappoint her every evening. I walk in to get ready to go to bed and she’s just, ‘Oh’. She’s like, ‘You know what that’s capable of, you’re not living up to your potential’.”
I hope he’s joking in some way or another. Really. I also hope that if he’s not, that Moore takes a look at herself and realizes that her body’s only doing what the plastic and silicone and leeches tell it to, rather than what it’s “capable” of. Miss Demi lost all control over her body’s “capabilities” when she had a gazillion-dollar total-body-and-face rehaul — no matter how much you tell it otherwise, plastic isn’t going to morph — or move! — sweetheart.
One also might want to consider the fact that Kutcher could get with someone far more accepting (and obviously more naturally built) with a snap of his fingers. For someone who’s so apparently worried about her much-younger husband leaving her for a much-younger woman, she might do best to lay off the personal attacks on her husband’s appearance.
People who live in plastic bodies shouldn’t throw molotov cocktails, don’t you know.
Demi Moore’s agent, Luke Janklow, confirmed earlier last night that the preternaturally preserved 47 year-old is penning her memoirs and isn’t going to leave any topics out. Moore is said to cover details of her marriage and divorce to Bruce Willis, career moves from General Hospital to major motion pictures and bumping uglies with Ashton Kutcher.
Moore is currently shopping publishers in New York City and anticipates that the book will be released sometime early next year.
In light of this fact, I’ve put together my very own Top Ten list of things that I fucking hope like hell will be included in Moore’s autobiography. Without further ado … The List:
10. Dishing on her hometown of Roswell, New Mexico. She’s the queen of non-aging. She must have learned some secrets from them-there aliens.
9. How she overcame the stigma of her crossed-eyes as a child. It was said that she had undergone two eye surgeries in order to correct the problem and damn … they did a good job.
8. Starring alongside Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men. She might actually be able to tell us what he was like during his heyday … you know, back when he wasn’t (as) crazy.
7. If the leeches she claims to use as an anti-aging regimen work and if they’ve ever bitten her on the ass.
6. If she boned Patrick Swayze during the filming of Ghost. With chemistry like that, just … damn.
5. How much she actually spent on the plastic surgery that she didn’t get and what she specifically had done.
4. Why the hell she produced the Austin Powers movies. That in itself is shadowed in a guise of troublesome ennui.
3. What the sex was like with
John McClane Bruce Willis.
2. What the sex is like with Ashton Kutcher.
And the number one topic that I hope she addresses in her new book:
1. Did she really bang Nikki Sixx?
Although Ashton Kutcher’s kind of gone off the old-head-end the past few years and settled “happily” into the sticky domestic web that Demi Moore has single-handedly spun, you’ve really seen no drama, no scandals and no public arguments about which vegan-friendly joint to schedule for their next dinner party. The two seem like a nice, relatively-normal pair, am I right?
Don’t speak too soon: toxic smog-green reports are beginning to swirl around Demi Moore, Kim Kardashian and Ashton Kutcher and it all has to do with some sekkkshul attraction.
Sources close to Moore state that she’s becoming unhinged over a “harmless” crush that husband, Kutcher, has developed on Keeping Up With the Kardashians star, Kim Kardashian. The same sources state that Ashton flirts shamlessly with the sweet-bodied reality star and entrepreneur — and Demi’s pissed.
But then again, the reports are toxic smog-green because they’re originating from the National Enquirer, but you never do know, do you. That’s the rag that broke the John Edwards/Rielle Hunter story, so take it with a grain of salt … and a shot of tequila. You can bet Demi’s going to be hitting the hooch pretty hard if these insecurities pan out to be real-life trouble.
WHEN ARE THESE TWO GOING TO BREAK UP?? It’s so unhealthy, how she’s so much older than he is, and they’re both really rich and famous and attractive, and yet they appear to be totally committed to one another and happy. YEAR AFTER YEAR. This insanity must stop. It’s making me uncomfortable. Almost as uncomfortable as Demi looks at this event. Don’t get me wrong — she’s still strikingly gorgeous — but she just looks like “Oh dear Lord why do I have to be here? I’m getting too old for this shit.”
Demi and Ashton made a red-carpet appearance at pre-Oscar benefit gala in Beverly Hills on Thursday night. Also there: Nicky Hilton, Camilla “Eyebrows” Belle, Lydia “Hearst”-Shaw, AnnaLynne McCord, Molly Sims, Olivia Munn (would someone please explain to me why she’s considered attractive? I think she looks like an olive.) and the ever-starving Rachel Zoe, whose oversized please-don’t-look-at-all-my-fat personal style is getting real old, real fast.