Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher is a Cuntry Singer Now

No, that wasn’t a misspelling, thanks.

And what the shit is this, anyway? Ashton Kutcher? Singing country music at a country awards show, singing about giving his all to a woman (or a man) in order to make them happy? In what world would people cheer that? Oh. Right. The audience of the ACM Awards, which we here at Evil Beet did not cover, primarily because it’s not really our thing, and secondarily because Taylor Swift (who always wins everything) is f-cking atrocious, OK?

Also, Ashton Kutcher will be portraying the legendary Steve Jobs in an upcoming biopic. And I’m floored. I guess they’re basing role-giving these days on how similar you can look to a person rather than if you can actually act. Long gone are the days of thinking role selection through to the point where you’d even considering casting an unknown for the sake of art instead of sacrificing it for a well-known face. The name of the film is ‘Jobs’, and MTV had this to say about the casting decision:

Floppy hair? Check. Internet savvy? Check. Less than a year after his death, the life of technology guru and Apple Inc. co-founder Steve Jobs will be honored in an upcoming independent biopic entitled “Jobs” starring Ashton Kutcher.

The TV and movie actor, who bears a striking resemblance to a young Jobs, is slated to begin filming the movie in May during his hiatus from “Two and a Half Men.” The plan is to begin production before a rival film, based on writer Walter Isaacson’s lauded Jobs biography, gets off the ground. Jobs died on October 5, 2011.

“Jobs” will be directed by Joshua Michael Stern (“Swing Vote”) and will chronicle Jobs’ rise from a Northern California hippie upbringing to the co-founding of Apple, according to the Hollywood Reporter.

Tell me this isn’t going to be a shitshow.

Anyway, back to his country-singing, ten-gallon-hat-wearing schtick. This was Ashton’s big moment of last night, and if you could swallow his getup with a boulder-sized grain of salt, then I guess you could probably deep-throat pretty much anything. Good for you.

Can we watch genuinely charming people perform in a candid setting now? Would that be alright with you guys? Because I’ve had just about enough of Ashton as I can handle.

Demi is Not Happy About Ashton and Rihanna’s Relationship

photo of ashton kutcher and rihanna pictures photos picsOh, so you mean it’s real then. Or, at least as “real” as a relationship between two complete f-cking morons can be, anyway, right? Sources close to Demi claim that the budding relationship between her estranged husband and Rihanna has her “sick to her stomach.” They also claim that Demi’s becoming obsessive about finding out information about the two:

“Demi is constantly keeping tabs on Ashton so when these pictures came up she was understandably devastated. Demi’s convinced something happened between them and said she felt ‘sick to her stomach’. Demi is in such a fragile state, even the idea of them together has affected her quite badly. She’s in a terrible way but, at the end of the day, Ashton is a single man and free to do whatever he likes. Demi can’t believe Ashton would do this. She’s really hurt by the rumors and feels humiliated he’s being linked to other celebrities just a few weeks after she got out of rehab. Demi’s been acting crazy ever since [she found out about Ashton and Rihanna], trying to find out information about the pair.”

Though I’m still not entirely convinced that these two are dating – I mean, I wouldn’t bat an eye hearing that Rihanna would hook up with practically anyone who has a record clear of abuse (and even those who don’t) and who’s moderately famous, but Ashton hooking up with Rihanna? Maybe if this were the case a few years ago, it’d be a major upgrade, but this is Rihanna circa 2012 we’re talking about. Ashton’s definitely no prize by any far cry, and to say that he’s probably the better of the two in this “relationship” makes me sick to my stomach, but Rihanna is kind of floundering in no man’s territory these days. She does interviews where she talks about being insecure, offends Twitter followers with petty BS, and gets really f-cking dumb-ass tattoos. Where’s the appeal in a woman who’s unsure of herself, petty, and who exercises poor judgement? Yeah, she’s decent-looking enough, but sometimes looks aren’t all where it’s at, you know.

Here’s what I think should happen: Demi should internalize some of these feelings, if they are, indeed, real. I’m not saying that people should be suppressing their feelings, because that’s just bad, but there are definitely some things you need to keep to yourself. Demi needs to do that if, again, this is all real talk we’re dealing with.

As for Ashton, he just needs to … I don’t know. Maybe not be famous anymore. Dudes like him are a dime a dozen – they don’t give a flying shit about anyone’s feelings but their own, and they’ll use anyone and everyone to get what they want. People need to really avoid this kind of person, because the only one getting hurt in the end will be them. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Finally, Rihanna just needs to grow the f-ck up. I know she’s only twenty-four years old, and though that doesn’t give her a pass to be stupid, she’s stupid. Bitch is dumb. She had a real opportunity to be a positive role model a few years back, but because of some missteps along the way coupled with fake arrogance covering up some serious self-worth issues, she’s shot. She’s done. Who’s going to take someone seriously who doesn’t even take themselves seriously?

This situation is just one fine mess.

Wait a Damn Minute: Is Rihanna Hooking Up With Ashton Kutcher?

photo of rihanna and ashton kutcher hooking up pics
So, there’s a part of me that really, really wants to be OK with this, because anything’s better than Chris f-cking Brown. But the other, more rational, more operational part says “not a damn way,” because it’s Ashton Kutcher. And Rihanna. Who, combined, are two of Hollywood’s biggest current tools going. Ashton a few years ago? Definitely alright. Ashton today? F-cking pathetic.

From TMZ:

Rihanna — and her security team — stopped by Ashton Kutcher‘s swanky L.A. house for a little late night visit Wednesday. According to the photographer, the “Birthday Cake” singer got to Ashton’s home right around midnight … and didn’t leave ’til roughly 4 AM.

As we previously reported, Justin Bieber recently checked out Ashton’s $10 million bachelor pad on his high-end real estate hunt … but we’re guessin’ Rihanna wasn’t there for an open house. So far, no comment from Rihanna’s rep.

What can this late night tryst imply? Are Ashton and Rihanna just starting out as casual lovers or is this just the tip of the iceberg – how long have these two been hooking up?

Can someone maybe explain this to me? Am I missing something? Rihanna? And Ashton Kutcher? Please, God, no.