Yeah, I know, it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger with a questionably-dyed hair color and definite poor taste in haircuts, but I had to sort of prime you guys with the face-forward photo before I could bodyslam you with the photo of Arnold’s hair from the back. Now that you’ve seen the front, you’re sort of prepared (wait, who am I kidding? There’s no preparing for this kind of follicle shock) for what’s to come up the back steps, because here it is:
And I kind of feel bad for making fun of an “old man” with an “old man haircut,” but this guy did father a child with the maid behind everyone’s back and didn’t even really own up to it after it was proven to be true, so there’s that, and that makes me feel confident in saying, “Wow, get a better barber, old man.”
Who’s with me?
December 4, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah
No, I know, I was wondering about it too. Last summer, one of the big stories was all about how Arnold Schwarzenegger was this big ol’ douchebag, but we really haven’t heard all that much about it since. But now he’s releasing this autobiography, so he’s talking about himself again. And, if you haven’t been able to catch my drift yet, let me just spell it out for you: Arnold Schwarzenegger is an asshole.
In case you forgot, here’s what went down: Arnold and Maria Shriver split up, and we learned, thanks to a statement from Arnold, that the split occurred because he told Maria about this one time that he cheated on her and fathered a secret son ten years ago. That’s probably enough to cement his spot in the Douchebag Hall of Fame, but wait. Now, according to what he wrote in his book, he never even told Maria about his secret son. No, he had no intentions of ever telling her, she was just a sly little detective and worked everything out for herself.
From Us Weekly:
Talk about a therapy breakthrough. Arnold Schwarzenegger did not confess fathering a child with his housekeeper until wife Maria Shriver confronted him about it during a therapy session.
The shocking new details comes from Schwarzenegger’s autobiography, Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story, which addresses the collapse of his marriage to Shriver.
“The minute we sat down, the therapist turned to me and said, ‘Maria wanted to come here today and to ask about a child — whether you fathered a child with your housekeeper Mildred,’” the actor writes in his book (via ABC News) of their Jan. 4, 2011 couples’ counseling session. “I told the therapist, ‘It’s true.’”
Shriver, 56, waited until Schwarzenegger, 65, ended his term as governor of California to confront him on his infidelity. Schwarzenegger says he started begging Shriver to forgive him, saying he “screwed up.” He called her the “perfect wife” and told he was he still “turned on” by her.
The couple announced their separation on May 9, 2011 after 25 years of marriage. On May 17, 2011, Schwarzenegger publicly admitted to fathering a child with housekeeper Mildred Patricia Baena 14 years earlier. In his book, he says he had sex with Baena in 1996 while his family away on vacation and he was filming his role as Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin.
“Instead of doing the right thing,” he writes of learning about his love child, “I’d just put the truth in a mental compartment and locked it up where I didn’t deal with it every day.”
Shriver filed for divorce on July 1, 2011. But Schwarzenegger says he still has hope they will get back together. “You can call this denial,” he writes. “But it’s the way my mind works.”
Is it just me, or does this make Arnold look way worse than if he had just owned up to the whole thing to begin with? But no, Maria had to find out for herself because Arnold put his own son “in a mental compartment” so that he didn’t have to deal with it all. Girl.
And the bit about how he begged Maria to forgive him after she found out by telling her that she still turned him on? What even is that? Like, “oh, thank goodness you said that, because my main reason for being upset that you had an affair that resulted in a child that you never told me about was that you didn’t find me attractive anymore.” GIRL.
September 24, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Emily
On Friday, Arnold Schwarzenegger attended the inauguration of the first-ever museum dedicated to the Triumph of Being Arnold Schwarzenegger. The museum itself is located in the house where Schwarzenegger was born, in the village where Schwarzenegger was born, in Austria—where Schwarzenegger was born.
Actually, the museum first opened its doors in July, but I guess Arnold Schwarzenegger was busy then. The building houses “a sword from Conan the Barbarian,” as well as “a Harley-Davidson motorbike from one of the Terminator films.” (My boyfriend, without consulting any sort of documentation, has identified the motorcycle as a “Fat Boy” from Terminator 2 since, as everyone knows, the Terminator rode a Honda in the first movie.)
Also on display: some of young Schwarzenegger’s barbells, a replica of Governor Schwarzenegger’s gubernatorial desk, and—HOLY GOD, THAT STATUE. THAT STATUE THAT STATUE THAT STATUE. Do you see what I see? THAT STATUE HAS A LITTLE STATUE OF ITS OWN.
P.S. I am so bad with headlines. I waffle. This time, my headline was very nearly “True Thighs: Schwarzenegger’s Bronze Statue Unveiled.” Either that, or a pretty obvious joke about Commando. Ugh, I really struggled with this! It’s like trying to pick a child.
Image via “Schwarzenegger unveils statue of himself at museum in Austria” from the Los Angeles Times.
October 9, 2011 at 7:00 am by Jenn
I am so, so sorry about the headline. What am I supposed to do? My hands are tied, here.
Other movie titles I ought to have been able to contort into an ill-worded, trying-too-hard Schwarzenegger Divorce Joke:
- End of Days
- Collateral Damage
- True Lies
- The Expendables (he has a cameo)
- Raw Deal
- Junior (OH, NO)
The former television journalist and Kennedy family heiress cited irreconcilable differences but offered no additional details about the breakup.
According to reports, Shriver actually signed all the paperwork two weeks ago. I wonder why her reluctance to file. Me, I like to think I’d've been out of there by Batman and Robin.
July 2, 2011 at 5:30 am by Jenn
Hey, look, another George Lopez ‘I’m not funny’ moment! How surprising!
In this particular segment of Lopez Tonight, George takes a swipe at Mildred Baena, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s most recent baby mama (and former housekeeper). Baena was identified earlier in the month as being the mother to a child that she and Schwarzenegger had out of wedlock, and while he was married to Maria Shriver. I’m sure you all know that, but in the off-chance that one of you happened to be hanging out under a rock with Arnold’s illegitimate kid for the last ten years or so, there it is.
Lopez, who I long thought to be kind of rude (I know, someone even ruder than me, who would have thought) has definitely crossed the line in this one, making it seem like Baena was the one who wooed Arnold away from his wife, forced him to have sex with her, and then intentionally gave birth to a baby whom she kept SECRET for all of these years. Yup, Mildred Baena, the home-wrecking instigator of illicit affairs who apparently had tons to gain.
I know that it totally takes two to have an affair, but Baena isn’t the only one who’s been identified as being an on-the-side girlfriend of Schwarzenegger’s, and that fact in itself makes me think that Arnold was the one who sought this woman out, changed her life forever, and fucked up most of what his wife, Maria Shriver, thought to be true. Though Baena apparently wasn’t innocent in her role in the scandal, I feel that Arnold is ultimately to blame - but I guess George Lopez WOULD take a swipe at Baena instead: he definitely does resemble an aging female housekeeper than he ever could a former Mr. Universe and successful actor or whatever. Just saying.
May 24, 2011 at 12:30 pm by Sarah
It’s like Tiger 2.0 up in this bitch apparently, and mistresses from all over the country are coming out of a Schwarzenegger dong-haze in order to nail his cheating heart to the wall (which I find funny, since these same women didn’t give a rat’s fetid ass when they were boning him).
The latest? An actress from Little House on the Prairie by the name of Gigi Goyette. The very same Gigi Goyette who’s actually just lawyered up with Gloria Allred, so apparently there’s business to be had here, now, isn’t there.
For those who have recently eaten, please do not read on. “I’d made love before, but never with anyone like Arnold,” Gigi said. “He was a perfect Adonis — he had the most amazing body I’d ever seen in my life!” I gave Arnold a massage, and then we had oral sex,” Gigi says of the then three years married actor. “Arnold explained that we couldn’t have full intercourse — just what he called outercourse.” And they say chivalry is dead!
The affair then continued on for several years, with Gigi even meeting Maria Shriver and her family on one trip to the super fun Fitness weekend. Maria and Arnold were drinking with a group in the bar and after Maria left Arnold commanded Gigi to go to her room. “Arnold took me in his arms and neither of us could deny our strong attraction. He stayed with me for an hour and we had the most amazing sex session. Then he went back to Maria,” she says. She does not, however, explain if this course was inny or outty.
Gigi also claims that there were a variety of other women involved, and throws a number like ’13′ out there, stating that Arnold had to have every hot woman he laid his eyes on.
I’m sorry. All of this infidel BS is just wrong, and Arnold has ALWAYS grossed me out anyway. ALWAYS. It’s just a shame that innocent people (like Maria Shriver) have to get wrapped up in this kind of trash, especially when they’re totally unassuming about it.
Ugh. Get yourself tested, girls.