Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole: Day One

I suppose it had to end like this. The soap opera of Anna Nicole Smith’s life came to a sudden finale on Thursday afternoon in a Hollywood, Florida hotel room. Smith had been in the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino since Monday, leaving five-month-old daughter Dannielynn behind in the Bahamas with a close friend. Anna’s unconscious body was discovered by her private nurse on Thursday afternoon. Her bodyguard and local paramedics attempted CPR, and she was rushed to the hospital, but she died before she arrived. Her body was covered by the time the ambulance arrived at the ER.

The autopsy is scheduled for tomorrow. One of Anna Nicole’s lawyers states that she had not “been well the past few days, she’s had cold and flu symptoms.” Which is, as I recall, what they said about her son in the days before his sudden death last September (Daniel Smith died of a drug overdose). I suppose we’ll have more details by tomorrow, and hopefully now this mystery will unfold over time. Anna had always idolized Marilyn Monroe, who died of a barbiturate overdose at the age of 36, and her death was ruled a probable suicide. Anna was 39.

It is this blogger’s opinion that we’ll learn Anna met the same fate as Marilyn (and, incidentally, as her son). Whether the death was accidental or a suicide may never be known, but my guess is she had some idea what she was getting herself into as she was taking the pills, and probably had more than one thought of Marilyn. Following Anna’s recent life, for me as a gossip blogger, has been exhausting, confusing, maddening, depressing and overwhelming, so I can only imagine what she went through actually living it. While her death means the exact opposite for members of the media, at least Anna Nicole will have some peace now. This is probably what she wanted — to die young, beautiful and shrouded in mystery, just like her idol.

As with the death of Marilyn, Anna’s death has already prompted a string of conspiracy theories (although Anna’s don’t yet involve a U.S. President). With Anna and her son Daniel dead, who stands to inherit the gazillions of dollars Anna’s been trying to get from her late husband? Her lawyer and boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, has spent the better part of his legal career fighting for that money. Anna’s mother told Nancy Grace on CNN in October: “If Howard Stern marries her and she ends up dead, then who does the money go [to]? Danny’s not there.” Well, I’m not a lawyer, but doesn’t she still have that daughter of dubious paternity and name-spelling, Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern? Regardless, it hasn’t stopped folks from speculating that Howard K. Stern was maliciously involved somehow. Personally, I doubt this, but feel free to run with it (you know Law & Order will). While Stern is currently the legal guardian of the child, Larry Birkhead (who has been claiming since Dannielynn’s birth that he is the father), and every U.S. camera crew not yet dispatched to Florida, will be at an L.A. court tomorrow for an emergency hearing on the paternity testing. No word yet on whether Howard K. Stern will be present — no one’s can seem to pin down his exact whereabouts.

We’ll keep you posted on the details of this tragic story as they unfold.

Anna Nicole Smith Dead at the Age of 39

CNN is reporting Anna Nicole collapsed in a hotel room and died shortly thereafter.

**I’ll be updating as events warrant**

-Autopsy scheduled for tomorrow down in beautiful South Florida.

-Anna Nicole was dead before she reached the hospital, bodyguard attempted CPR in hotel room.

-Emergency filing re: custody of six month old daughter by Larry Birkhead. He is demanding DNA test, as he believes Anna’s husband Howard K. Stern is not the father of the child.

-Anna Nicole’s room being searched for drugs, this could affect insurance claims.

-Larry King “She wasn’t the smartest person in the world… but she was savvy.”

Well, the hubbub seems to be dying down, CNN has returned to regular programming. Thankfully both Larry King and vampire Nancy Grace will both be dedicating full hours to this story this evening.

Fatty, Fatty 2×4

Well, Beet has wisely decided to go after big people in a major way this morning so I’m going to join the fray with this news: Anna Nicole and TrimSpa are being sued in a very classy manner. That was my pun for “class action”. Yeah, well, I hate me too. Anyhow the news is:

Anna Nicole Smith and TrimSpa Inc. have been sued in a class-action lawsuit alleging their marketing of a weight-loss pill is false or misleading.

Really? I have zero sympathy for you people. Isn’t taking diet pill advice from Anna Nicole like taking “How to get shot lessons” from Tupac? Clearly you’d want 50 Cent.

My point is Anna is a very big and cuckoo imbecile. Those who follow her advice deserve only ridicule and a discount on their next full frontal lobotomy.

That’s Anna Nicole’s Story and She’s Sticking to It

I was so excited for Tuesday. On January 23, Anna Nicole Smith was supposed to bring her new baby, Dannielynn (okay, if I can’t ever spell this name right on the first try, how does Anna Nicole even have a chance?), in for paternity testing, per a court order. Larry Birkhead, Smith’s former paramour, had asked for the test, contesting Anna’s claim that the girl’s father is Anna’s lawyer, super-stud Howard K. Stern. Birkhead claims the baby is his.

However, it turns out that Anna Nicole’s crack legal team has potency outside of the reproductive arena. They were able to convince an L.A. judge to stay the order, citing something about how the case was never tried in the Bahamas (pay no attention to anything about the legal aspects of this case I may mention — I have no idea what I’m talking about). So, alas, this is not the week we all get to hear Anna Nicole’s explanation of how exactly she could be so completely wrong about who fathered her child.

But never fear! We will not be completely without Anna’s unique brand of articulate. TMZ obtained a private AOL Instant Messenger convo between Anna and Larry Birkhead. This is possible because TMZ employs some of the most talented Internet hackers on the planet — namely, Larry Birkhead (handle: N0 tr0jAn). Here’s the text of the convo, which led me to actually pray that this child’s father is Howard K. Stern, because at least he had a strong enough grasp on verb conjugation to get through law school.

Anna Nicole: quit trash me at the casino
Larry: not at a casino
Anna Nicole: go fuck my mom to
Anna Nicole: Yall are sick
Larry: show up for the test with the baby\
Anna Nicole: don’t think so
Anna Nicole: u wish
Larry: everybody just want u to do right thing is all
Anna Nicole: in your dreams

Here at The Beet, we just wishes for there be resolushun in this matter before Danilyn be’s old enuf to understand what go on around her.

Late-Night Links

Now you can cross “See Steven Tyler’s bare ass” off your list of things to do before you die. I know, I know. When you put it on there twenty years ago it seemed a much more appealing proposal. Beggars can’t be choosers. But thankfully his daughter girlfriend is there to add a touch of youth to the image. [MollyGood]

How is it surprising to anyone, let alone someone who has actually had sex with her, that Anna Nicole continues to sell pictures of her baby to the tabloids? Come on, Larry Birkhead. You know you’re loving this. [Cele|bitchy]

Britney and her new parasite drop $40K a night on the Hugh Hefner suite at The Palms. I’m not sure why she needs that rotating bed. You know the whole room is spinning for her by bedtime anyway.* [Pop on the Pop]

Who is Keeley Hazell? Who cares? Her sex tape leaked. [Bossip]

Damn. I was in the Lindsay-Lohan’s-boobs-are-real camp for a long, long time, but now I’m starting to have second thoughts. [Yeeeah!]

Oh happy day! It turns out Gwen Stefani looks human before you airbrush the hell out of her. [Teddy and Moo]

Snore. Heather Mills wins something in her never-ending battle with Sir Paul McCartney. Wake me when I’m British. [Monica Monroe]

*A special congrats to Isaac Cohen, who, having been Britney’s boy-toy for over a week now, has earned his previously irrelevant ass its very own label here on the Beet.

OMFG Law and Order Aired an Episode About the Death of Anna Nicole’s Son Before the Bahamas Authorities Have Decided Whether to Have an Inquest

This is pretty unbelievable.

Did anyone catch L&O last week? (I think it was last week.) The episode was all about a gold-digging woman whose recovering drug-addict son dies in her hospital room. Her “publicist” was with her at the time.
It veers off from there, as L&O is wont to do, and it turns out the kid had, like, a bone graft from some dead chick who’d had ovarian cancer because some doctor hadn’t properly screened the material and was obtaining it illegally. Whatevs. It is sad that this information is currently taking up space in my brain.
Point is: Dick Wolf & Co. wrote, filmed, edited, distributed and aired that entire episode before the good folks in the Bahamas have decided whether to have a formal inquest into the death of Anna Nicole’s son.
They say they’ll make a decision “soon,” and that this process has not taken “unusually long.”