Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Angus T. Jones

Check Out the New Opening to ‘Two and a Half Men’

Two and a Half Men promo photo with Ashton Kutcher

I don’t know what’s happening to me! I think I just got… interested? In the Two and a Half Men reboot? Weird.

Anyway. Here’s the cast, lip-synching to the theme song “Manly Men”:

There is something magnetically awkward about the new cast dynamic. Do you feel it?

I like the little vocal switcheroo, what with giving Angus T. Jones the voice that once belonged to Charlie Sheen. Cognitive dissonance! That’s always funny! I think Angus’s deep voice might be a veiled joke about puberty, also.

And man, Jon Cryer is such a dork! He gave his “Oooohs” all this actorly decision-making and motivation and stuff. DERP. (The initial “Who the eff is this guy?” face he makes at Ashton Kutcher is pretty good, though.)

I think Ashton is supposed to strike us laydeez as “roguish” and “rugged,” but he really just comes off as a serial killer, y’know?

Ooh! That’s a good idea for a sitcom, though: Maybe Ashton ingratiates himself to Jon and Angus, moves into their home, then suddenly turns the house into the Manson Family. Right? Could this milquetoast sitcom suddenly go dark? Ha, ha, that would be a pretty funny way to Punk my mom, actually.

‘Two and a Half Men’ Will Not Be Ignored

Pictured: Jon Cryer, Angus T. Jones, and Ashton Kutcher on Letterman

What, you were planning to ignore the return of Two and a Half Men? NICE TRY, AMERICA. You don’t want to watch Two and a Half Men? Then turn off your TV, throw out your radio, and move to a log cabin in the freaking woods! Because there is NO ESCAPE from Ashton Kutcher.

Here he is on Late Show with David Letterman, accompanied by costars Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones, AKA the highest-paid 17-year old ever.

And now, Letterman’s “Top 10 Reasons to Watch the New Season of Two and a Half Men“:

Letterman’s right! Ashton Kutcher really is starting to look like Dan Fogelberg! (The satellite delay is great, too! I love how everyone frowned at that 40-years-too-late “joke” eight seconds later.)

P.S. Ha, ha, Reuters hated the whole bit. I was actually kind of into it? But only because it was terrible.

The Highest Paid Child Celebrity is Probably Not Who You’d Think

I know for damned sure it wasn’t who I thought, because with Miley out of the picture, I didn’t think there were anymore “real” child actors or actresses out there. But alas, the kid from Two and a Half Men, Angus T. Jones, is paid $250k per episode.

You heard me, right? A fucking quarter-million dollars for each episode that he withstands having to put up with Charlie Sheen? Sick. Jones began his stint on Two and a Half Men when he was only ten and has been at it for the past seven years, give or take. Jones claims that he does plan on going to college, but hasn’t done any interviews since last year. All of that might change if, indeed, he is making $250k per episode. Again … sick.

I guess we know how Charlie’s gonna make his huge support payments … it’s no wonder he stuck with the show. If Jones is making this kind of money, Sheen’s got to be riding the gravy train somehow.