So! Did you watch Two and Half Men last night? Odds are you did—the season premiere raked in 28 million viewers. And heaven help me, I was one of them. There’s no DVR up in this piece, either, so I had to miss an entire half-hour of The Sing-Off. Grr! (I also missed Dancing with the Stars and the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen. I was also curious about David Krumholtz in The Playboy Club. Ah, well.)
Here’s a recapitulation of last night’s episode of Two and a Half Men:
At Charlie Harper’s funeral—which is attended only by angry women with various venereal diseases—we discover that Charlie had embarked on a brand-new, whirlwind romance with his erstwhile stalker, Rose (Melanie Lynskey). Rose explains during her eulogy how, on their romantic getaway to Paris, Rose discovered Charlie with another woman (already!) in their hotel room. Imagine her horror, Rose adds, when the very next day Charlie tragically ‘slipped’ off a train platform and fell into the path of an oncoming train. (But he didn’t suffer, Rose concludes—”his body just exploded like a balloon full of meat.”)
Early in the episode, Alan Harper (Jon Cryer) discovers he’ll have to sell the house. Then Jake Harper farts—I guess that was a joke?—and with that, Angus T. Jones vanishes for the rest of the episode. Seems like a pretty smart choice, actually.
We reestablish that Alan’s mother is a shrew. Also, Alan’s ex-wife is a shrew. Also, the maid. Also, Dharma of Dharma and Greg.
The first time I really laughed was when Alan was on the couch, cradling Charlie’s urn and talking to it—something about “just like old times: me, up here, you down in the bottle.” Maybe they didn’t need to cast Ashton Kutcher at all; maybe they could have just cast the urn. Hey, that works! The “half-a-man” could be the pile of ashes!
September 20, 2011 at 12:30 pm by Jenn
I don’t know what’s happening to me! I think I just got… interested? In the Two and a Half Men reboot? Weird.
Anyway. Here’s the cast, lip-synching to the theme song “Manly Men”:
There is something magnetically awkward about the new cast dynamic. Do you feel it?
I like the little vocal switcheroo, what with giving Angus T. Jones the voice that once belonged to Charlie Sheen. Cognitive dissonance! That’s always funny! I think Angus’s deep voice might be a veiled joke about puberty, also.
And man, Jon Cryer is such a dork! He gave his “Oooohs” all this actorly decision-making and motivation and stuff. DERP. (The initial “Who the eff is this guy?” face he makes at Ashton Kutcher is pretty good, though.)
I think Ashton is supposed to strike us laydeez as “roguish” and “rugged,” but he really just comes off as a serial killer, y’know?
Ooh! That’s a good idea for a sitcom, though: Maybe Ashton ingratiates himself to Jon and Angus, moves into their home, then suddenly turns the house into the Manson Family. Right? Could this milquetoast sitcom suddenly go dark? Ha, ha, that would be a pretty funny way to Punk my mom, actually.
September 12, 2011 at 4:30 pm by Jenn
What, you were planning to ignore the return of Two and a Half Men? NICE TRY, AMERICA. You don’t want to watch Two and a Half Men? Then turn off your TV, throw out your radio, and move to a log cabin in the freaking woods! Because there is NO ESCAPE from Ashton Kutcher.
And now, Letterman’s “Top 10 Reasons to Watch the New Season of Two and a Half Men“:
Letterman’s right! Ashton Kutcher really is starting to look like Dan Fogelberg! (The satellite delay is great, too! I love how everyone frowned at that 40-years-too-late “joke” eight seconds later.)
P.S. Ha, ha, Reuters hated the whole bit. I was actually kind of into it? But only because it was terrible.
September 10, 2011 at 4:30 am by Jenn
I know for damned sure it wasn’t who I thought, because with Miley out of the picture, I didn’t think there were anymore “real” child actors or actresses out there. But alas, the kid from Two and a Half Men, Angus T. Jones, is paid $250k per episode.
You heard me, right? A fucking quarter-million dollars for each episode that he withstands having to put up with Charlie Sheen? Sick. Jones began his stint on Two and a Half Men when he was only ten and has been at it for the past seven years, give or take. Jones claims that he does plan on going to college, but hasn’t done any interviews since last year. All of that might change if, indeed, he is making $250k per episode. Again … sick.
I guess we know how Charlie’s gonna make his huge support payments … it’s no wonder he stuck with the show. If Jones is making this kind of money, Sheen’s got to be riding the gravy train somehow.