Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Angelina Jolie

Jolie Tells Pitt He Sucks In Bed; Pitt Gets Hammered

brad pitt angelina

Oh man, I love the National Enquirer. Jest all you like, but half of the time they get their stories right and before anyone else. The other half of the time I think they just make shit up and I think this falls under that half.

Apparently Angelina Jolie told Brad Pitt that compared to Colin Farrell he sucks in bed and now Brad Pitt is an alcoholic or something.

from The National Inquirer

Brad caught Angie red-handed, admitting that she thinks he’s a so-so lover. Ever since then, he’s been on a drunken rampage – consuming copious amounts of his favorite beer and red wine…he’s showed no signs of slowing down on the booze. He’s been drink­ing to forget about the image of Angie and Colin together.

One might ask, how did he catch her “red-handed”? Was she spray-painting “COLIN FARRELL IS BETTER AT SEX THAN BRAD PITT” on their garage? No. Allegedly Jolie was talking on the phone to ex Billy Bob Thornton while Pitt was out but then he forgot his wallet and then this scene from Beverly Hills, 90210 played out:

As he walked into their bedroom, Brad overheard Angie say that he was a great guy, but Colin was the best lover she’d ever had! Then Angie told Billy Bob that her love life with Brad had gone cold, and she missed the wild, passionate sex she’d had with Colin!

Who was there to know this private information? This is like when Charles Foster Kane died whispering his last words, “Rosebud” but the nurse was in the other room. Whatever, this is great, let’s just keep going with this. Brad “exploded” and,

Demanded that Angie tell him everything about her relationship with Colin. She told Brad that she fell in love with Colin because he was dangerous and spontaneous. She also copped to sending Colin sexy pictures, dirty voice-mails and sexually explicit let­ters during their fling. Angie admitted that she had hoped for a future, includ­ing marriage and kids, with Colin, but he wasn’t ready. She couldn’t deny to Brad that he was her second choice! [...] she thrives on making him jealous.

So now Brad Pitt is all sad and not wanting to marry her, like ever, and is telling her she can’t talk to Colin Farrell.


Brangelina Want You To Get Crunk Off Their New Wine

Everyone knows that wine is only good for vineyards, first dates and the desperate and otherwise dry. Still, lots of people seem to like it because it’s classy and you can drink it by the bottle without feeling like the alcoholic you probably are, so it only makes sense that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten in on the action and are releasing their own range, fresh from their very own vineyard!

From Decanter:

Under the agreement, the Perrin family, long-term owners of Château Beaucastel in Chateauneuf-du-Pape, and one of the most renowned names in the Rhone Valley, are now responsible for both the winemaking and distribution of the Jolie-Pitts’ Château Miraval in Correns.

The Perrins began working with the estate from harvest 2012, Marc Perrin told Mutual friends put the two sides in touch, he said.

When the Jolie-Pitts first moved in to Château Miraval they signed a three-year lease to rent the 500-ha estate, but its AOC Côtes de Provence continued to be made by the previous winemaker.

They have since purchased the property – reportedly for around US$60m – and have been carrying out extensive renovations.

‘The focus will now be more about Miraval itself that any specific cuvée,’ said Perrin. ‘They (the Jolie-Pitts) want to ensure they are making the best Provence wines they can. They were present at the blending sessions this year, and are relooking at everything from the installations in the winery – where we have already switched to stainless steel tanks – to reworking the labels across the range of wines.’

The first Perrin-made Miraval rosés should be on the market next month, March 2013, with the white wines arriving at the end of the summer.

I generally think most wines taste like a fresh blend of stewed ass (besides Riesling – I do like Riesling), so I don’t particularly have high hopes for this. I’d rather a cider – or better yet, an aged Scotch whisky – if I’m going to drink at all. However, I’m sure idiots will buy this by the bucketload simply for the Brangelina name.

Speaking of Brangelina, I’m not sure if this sounds totally like them or not at all like them. They tend to pass by the mainstream celeb entrapments like product endorsements (save Chanel, but that’s couture) and the like, but at the same time, money talks. What do you think? Will you be ponying up for some Miraval?

Quotables: Brad Pitt is Getting Married. SOON.

photo of angelina jolie and brad pitt pictures

I am getting more pressure from my kids, and it is something I want to do within their lifetime, but I also feel like the time has come… The time is nigh. It’s soon. I got a good feeling about it.

Brad Pitt on finally anteing up and marrying his babies’ mama, Angelina Jolie. But the part about marrying within his childrens’ lifetime honestly kind of confuses me. I mean, even if he married Angelina Jolie on his f-cking deathbed, God willing, wouldn’t that be in his childrens’ lifetime? That’s kind of a broad arena if you ask me. He says the “time has come” and the “time is nigh”, which are one and the same, but do they both mean that it’s going to be soon-soon, or, like, when all of his kids are able to legally drink-soon?

Do we even care that Brad Pitt and Angelina are *finally* getting married? Are we over these guys as a couple, like we’re already over Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling (because about those last two people, I’m answering for you: YES. YES WE ARE.)?

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Have Obnoxious Kids

A photo of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

From Us Weekly:

Brad Pitt knows where the wild things are — at his hometown pizza parlor.

Every time the actor, 48, and his six children visit Springfield, Missouri, a source tells Us Weekly, the brood goes bananas at Arris’ Pizza!

“The place shuts down for the entire night and the kids raise a ruckus,” says the insider of Maddox, 11, Pax, 8, Zahara, 7, Shiloh, 6, and twins Vivienne and Knox, 4. “They jump on tables and even throw food at each other!”

Pitt and Angelina Jolie, 37, leave their nannies at home and “let the kids enjoy themselves,” continues the source about the couple, who normally divide their time between properties in Los Angeles and their Miraval estate in France.

The twosome loosen up too — on policing their pack.

Says the insider, “Brad and Angelina just sit there and talk to one another while the children run around in circles!”

Uh, no. No way. It’s sweet that Brad and Angelina pay to close the restaurant for the night, but I still don’t think that makes this ok. This is obnoxious* as hell, and it’s just not cool. No kid needs to learn that it’s acceptable to go into a restaurant and throw food. Pull it together, Brangelina.

*Speaking of obnoxious, do you know what I did this weekend? I waited 30 minutes to buy three DVDs. I wasn’t even in line: I was at the register, listening to the cashier make the same lame joke 10 times and looking at his stupid hands because he got something on them and he had to go wash them just one more time, for literally 30 minutes. Obnoxious for days.

Are Brad And Angelina Getting Married This Weekend?

A photo of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt

Probably not, but it’s fun to think about anyway, isn’t it?

Here’s what’s happening: you know that house that Brad and Angelina have in France? There’s apparently been a lot of activity going on around there this week. See, they’re getting ready to have a big party, and lots of important people have already arrived to pregame, like the jeweler who made Angelina’s ring and Brad’s parents. George Clooney is coming, too, but he wanted to pregame at his place over in Italy.

So what’s the occasion? It’s the 50th anniversary of the original Mr. and Mrs. Pitt! That’s really sweet that Brad is throwing such a big party for them, right? Except now it starts to get a little less sweet, because everyone is stealing Brad’s parents’ thunder by saying that this party is actually a wedding. THE wedding. Ugh.

Look, maybe this really is it. Maybe Brad and Angelina are telling everyone that they’re having a big ol’ party for his parents, but really it’s a secret wedding. Maybe Brad and Angelina and Brad’s parents will have a double wedding/vow renewal. Maybe they already eloped and this is just a nice little celebration of that. I have no idea. But I just really, really don’t think that this is the weekend. And if it is, I don’t think we’ll hear about it for a good long while.

Brad and Angelina to Wed in New Orleans This Summer?

photo of brad pitt and angelina jolie pictures new orleans pic
From STV:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are expected to make their wedding vows to one another in New Orleans, Louisiana, by the end of the year.

Reports surfaced earlier this week that the A-list movie stars were to say ‘I do’ in Britain, where they have been living in recent weeks.

The couple were said to be planning a low-key wedding in Windsor, before enjoying a honeymoon at their South of France home in Provence.

But according to heat magazine, Brangelina are actually gong to take the plunge in New Orleans, a city very close to their hearts.

The couple fell in love with the Louisiana city after visiting in the aftermath of the 2005 Hurricane Katrina devastation, with much of the money from Brad’s Make It Right foundation helping to rebuild the area.

And according to the mag, they are keen to hold their nuptials there as they think it will help bring even more cash into the city.

“People thought they would choose their house in France, but New Orleans makes much more sense,” a ‘friend’ is quoted saying.

“They don’t have a huge place in LA at the moment, but they have one in New Orleans. Also they know how much money will be injected into the city if they marry there.”

Apparently the couple have already made some key arrangements for their wedding, which is expected to take place this summer, including booking a florist and caterer.

Man, you know what would be just plain delightful? If Brad and Angelina tied the knot in New Orleans while I was there. I’m headed down for a four-day trip in a few weeks, and—ahem, publicists, managers, [fill in the blank]s, etc.—if they could happen to make the date sometime around September 29th, that would be, you know, pretty nice. I know I’d appreciate it.

Who Is The Highest Paid Actress in Hollywood?

A photo of Meryl Streep

Oh, you guys, I’m sorry. When I asked the question of “who is the highest paid actress in Hollywood?” and then put a picture of Meryl Streep right up there at the top, that made it look like Meryl is the highest paid actress, didn’t it? I’m sorry, but it’s just not true. Meryl is on the list, but she’s not at the top. She deserves to be at the top, but she’s not.

Before I let you know the richiest rich lady in Hollywood, let me just show you the top ten list, all right? I’ll go ahead and tack on the amount of money they made in the past year, just so you can cry while you balance your checkbook like I do.

10. Jennifer Aniston – $11 million
9. Kristen Wiig – $12 million
8. Meryl Streep – $12 million
7. Sarah Jessica Parker – $15 million
6. Julia Roberts – $16 million
5. Charlize Theron – $18 million
4. Angelina Jolie – $20 million
3. Sandra Bullock – $25 million
2. Cameron Diaz – $34 million

Ok, but who do you think landed in the number one spot? Who do you think made nearly three times as much as the beloved Meryl Streep? Who do you think made a few million dollars more than Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston combined?

A photo of Kristen Stewart

1. Kristen Stewart – $34.5 million

Yes, thanks to them Twilight movies and Snow White and the Huntsman, Kristen Stewart is the top-earning actress in all of Hollywood. Does anyone else feel physically ill?