Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Angelina Jolie

Jolie Will Steal Your Man, Then Welcome a Sitdown

I think we all should fear Angelina Jolie just a little bit. Not in the way that cripples thought, but more like a “I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to nuts. My throat is constricting. This Apple Brown Betty has nuts in it doesn’t it?” sort of thing.

Well, she’s given me a little more reason not to mess with her in an interview with Vogue. Personal aside, why is she doing interviews with Vogue? Aren’t they part of the system? Have they adopted children I’m not aware of? Rant over.

Jolie initially denies that she has met Aniston, but she clarifies herself. “We’ve, like, passed each other and said ‘hi’ briefly, shook hands. But not a real sit-down-and-talk kind of meeting.” Will they have a proper meeting? “That would be her decision, and I would welcome it.”

Sigh. Now I have more questions. What exactly would a proper meeting entail? “Yeah, so anyway, Brad and I are traveling the globe in search of new children we can both take care of. He said life with you was hell. We done here?”

I mean this is a chick who has sported a vial of blood around her neck. I don’t think Jen is looking to grab a quick mochachino. Hell, I’m shocked she even survived the hand shake.

Cleaning up the Weekend

After almost days of searching, the paparazzi catch Nicole Richie and Joel Madden together. Take that, Hilary Duff. Now you’re left all alone with your hyper-successful, talent-driven career and your consistently positive media image. They sure showed you. [X17]

Paris. Miami. Stavros. [Hollyscoop]

With Paris Hilton safely on another coast, Lindsay Lohan appears to have put together several days of sobriety. Rock on. [Page Six]

Ellen Pompeo thinks she would look really good if she could just manage to put on five or ten more pounds. I think Ellen Pompeo would look really good with a black eye and a few broken ribs. [A Socialite’s Life]

Pics of the Jolie-Pitts, sans Shiloh, in NYC. [Mollygood]

Beyonce’s not the only one pissed that Jennifer Hudson got the role of Effie in Dreamgirls. But at least Fantasia Barrino will cop to it. [Snarky Gossip]

Angelina Jolie’s Bodyguard Arrested

Three of Angelina Jolie’s bodyguards were arrested in India today, and later freed on bail, after parents at a local school complained that they were injured and abused by the bodyguards. The problems began on Thursday, while Jolie was filming A Mighty Heart at the school in Mumbai, India. The gates to the school had been locked during the shoot, but were opened so that parents could pick up their children. At this point, the guards allegedly pushed a small child, and referred to the families as “bloody Indians.”

Jolie’s lap-dog and apparent spokesperson, Brad Pitt, has apologized to Mumbai police for the incident: “I am sorry for whatever has happened and for any inconvenience caused to the sentiments of people. We love children and would not do anything to harm them.” Don’t worry, Pitt didn’t suddenly get even more ridiculous-sounding; this quote comes from the Mumbai police chief, paraphrasing Pitt’s comments to him.

Jolie did manage to make a statement of her own: “As for this horrible rumor that someone referred to a local man as a ‘bloody Indian’, let me say this: I would never work with anyone who was derogatory towards another man’s race. My family is of mixed race. It is not surprising that the press involved failed to mention their share of the responsibility in the chaos.”

Maybe Today Should Be Pandora Day Instead

Because my Pandora box is a goddamn comedy goldmine today. Now on? Billy Bob Thornton, “Angelina.” I’ve posted the lyrics here, because, well, it’s just not fair that a song like this has been forgotten by pop culture. Or by Angelina Jolie.

I walked into an elevator
and you walked inta a wall
you said you wanted to be with me
I never dreamed I’d have it all
but sometimes changed that day inside me
and I believe it changed inside you too

Yeah Angelina can you feel it
watch the angels as they’re dancin’ up above
Angelina what’s come between us
Could it be the magic and the mystery of love

They all said we’d never make it
Two crazy panthers on the prowl
They said we would only fake it for a while
But we just looked at them and growled
You were masked and tied and cut and weary
But I said that’s okay you can be a girl

Yeah Angelina can you feel it
watch the angels as they’re dancin’ up above
Angelina what’s come between us
Could it be the magic and the mystery of love

This ain’t no chance we’re takin’
It’s real love that we’re makin’
The blindfold’s off and now we see
Yeah we see Angelina oh Angelina

Angelina what’s come between us
Could it be the magic and the mystery of love
Could it be the magic and the mystery of Angelina

Happy Slow News Week to You, Too!

Slowest. News week. Ever. So, celeb gossip bloggers have taken to their favorite slow-news-week activity: posting outtakes and best-takes from celeb photo shoots. Check out some of my favorites, and pray that someone finally snaps that pic of Paris Hilton doing what she does best in the bathroom at Hyde next week.

Shakira at the Latin Grammys [Teddy and Moo]

Kristen Bell in Giant magazine. [HGW]

Paris Hilton in Seventeen. [MollyGood]

Celeb candids [celebrity nation]

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony at a Latin Recording Academy event. [YBNBY]

Brangelina and Maddox in India. [Hollyscoop]
‘s star Ellen Pompeo on Friends, Kate Walsh by Roberto D’Este [HGW, more]

And, finally, a celeb nipple slip compilation video. [Celebrity Pictorials]

Brangelina Planning to Adopt Again

Although it won’t premiere until sometime around the year 2020, the greatest reality show ever continues its casting process, with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie planning to adopt another orphan, this time from India. A source says they plan to bring the child to the U.S. by Christmas. While Brad wants to adopt a boy, Angelina may be leaning toward another girl. The source says that “whichever they end up with, they’d like to name the child India to honor its homeland,” and, of course, to graciously set up the “finding nirvana in India” jokes for me to knock out of the ballpark when I’m writing a celeb gossip blog in my forties and India Jolie-Pitt is banging her Greek shipping heir. Pitt and Jolie are currently in India filming the upcoming A Mighty Heart.

Jolie has three children already. The first, Maddox, was adopted in 2002 from Cambodia, a region Angie fell in love with while filming the first Lara Croft film. Zahara, now nearly two years old, was picked up from Ethiopia; and, of course, we’re all familiar with Shiloh Almighty, the omnipotent union of the Jolie-Pitt genetics, who made her much-heralded arrival to our simple planet in May of this year.

Angelina has said in the past, “I want to create a rainbow family. That’s children of different religions and cultures from different countries.” Thanks, Angie. I needed that spelled out for me. The other term I hear a lot lately is “dirty sanchez.” Do you know anything about that?

Angelina Jolie: Fainty McFainterson

I’m so glad I didn’t run this story the first it happened. Happier still that I didn’t run it the second time it happened. See, folks, it’s not that I find all this business of Angelina Jolie fainting nilly-willy about India to be incredibly, tediously boring, it’s that I was waiting for it to happen a third time. Why take up perfectly good column inches writing about Jolie’s first two utterly irrelevant Indian fainting spells when you just know it will be a way bigger story when it happens the third time?

I am such a good journalist. Good ole’ Angie passed her damn self right out for the third time in India, where she’s been filming A Mighty Heart alongside home-wreckee Brad Pitt, who’s producing the film. Apparently Angelina is just so immersed in the character of Marianne Pearl, who lost her husband, journalist Daniel Pearl, at the hands of terrorists in Pakistan, that she just faints at the thought of a single drop of attention moving away from her and onto the genuinely tragic and terrifying story the film is trying to tell.

Okay, Angie. All eyes on you. Faint away, dear.