Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Angelina Jolie

Thirty Pages of Brangie Babies!

I cannot remember the last time I bought an issue of People magazine when I wasn’t about to board a flight. I will, however, be rushing to my local newsstand on Monday to purchase a copy of the magazine, which will reportedly contain thirty pages of photos of the new Brangelina babies.

Some initial photos will be on People’s website on Sunday, at 7 pm EST, but goddammit I want to thumb through all thirty pages. I want to see those fucking twins in every pose imaginable. And for $14M (the reported price), they sure as shit better have photos of those babies playing with puppies. Like, really little puppies. I am calling the Better Business Bureau if there are no puppies in this spread.

Oh and you wanna know what’s extra exciting, guys???

I bought a printer/fax machine a couple weeks ago, and it turns out that the damn thing has a scanner! I learned that when my friend was staying with me earlier in the week, and I slept in until 10 am, and when I woke up she was sitting at my computer in the living room and I was like “What are you doing?” and she was like “Oh just scanning in a few documents that I need,” and I was like, “How?” and she was like, “Um, using the scanner sitting right here?” So I have a scanner! So you know what? I’m gonna scan ALL THIRTY PAGES OF THIS SHIT for you guys. And then I’m going to get a cease and desist from expensive lawyers and then I’m going to take it down. So save them to your computer while you can. Remember: check here on Monday!!!

People Magazine Gets First Pics of Brangelina Babies

Is is possible that, for once, OK! magazine didn’t get the baby photos?

It appears People magazine has come out on top in the bidding war for the Brangelina twin photos. People will pay between $10-15M for the photos (the exact figure has not been released). Brad & Angie will, of course, donate the cash to charity.

Normally I don’t give a crap about celebrity baby photos — because all babies just look like babies to me — but for some reason I’m really excited to see these photos. I want to see if the babies have wings and halos. I betcha they do. If not, they can at least levitate. I’m certain of that.

Angelina Jolie Thinks It’s Cute That Her Son Draws Machine Guns

”Mad, our 6-year-old, draws lots of war scenarios. ‘He’s all into war and guns. So for Mother’s Day he drew a machine gun, and Brad had it made into a necklace, which is really sweet. It’s really cute. I think it’s really good!”

Angelina Jolie, in a new interview with Entertainment Weekly. She wore the gun necklace for the photo shoot.

Um, is it just me or does this kind of go against everything Angie stands for? I’m confused.

Pregnant and Helping

Angelina Jolie at “Iraq, Education, and Children of Conflict” Pictures, Photos

Okay, seriously, when my ass gets pregnant, I am going to sit on the fucking couch all day long and be like “BRING ME MORE PICKLES AND FRO-YO!” Even if no one else is home, I’m going to yell that, just because, and I’m going to do nothing all day long but be pregnant and whiny and demanding and urinating, because I am single-handedly perpetuating the species and I have a right to do whatever the fuck I feel like.

Angelina Jolie is much more mature than I.

Even though she’s waaaay preggers, she still took time out to represent the Jolie-Pitt Foundation at a Washington DC discussion titled “Iraq, Education, and Children of Conflict.”

A thousand years from now, I swear to you, Angelina Jolie is going to be a fucking religion, and the Angelinians are going to be murdering, like, Scientologists, somewhere in the Middle East, and it’s all going to be very, very ironic.

I Guess There Was No Brangelina Wedding This Weekend

angie_brad.jpg

Star magazine, who first issued the story, has printed a retraction:

Sources in a position to have information regarding a secret wedding ceremony between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had confirmed to Star that the couple married in the French Quarter Wedding Chapel on Saturday, March 29. “There were two weddings, one planned and one unplanned,” one source told Star. “Brad and Angelina’s was the planned ceremony. The weather wasn’t good, so we were indoors.” After further investigation, the sources are not standing by their story. Brad and Angelina’s reps have not commented.

Someone over at Star is getting FIRED.