1Angelina Jolie Denies Marrying Brad Pitt, But Isn’t Very Convincing

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are apparently getting married sometime soon and everyone (especially Jennifer Aniston, LOLZ)  wants to know when, but they’re not telling. The reports of a possible secret wedding during Christmas 2012  have been circulating for months, ever since Angie started wearing a wedding ring on her wifey finger, so of course every reporter she deigns to give a few precious moments of her time wants to know if they’re already married or what.

From TMZ:

LOL, “No, it is not [a wedding ring].” Well, that’s convincing.

Personally, I couldn’t care less when (or if) these two walk down the aisle. I think they should just buy a private island and take their 8,000 kids and just be away from society as large forever. What do you think, though? Secretly married already?

March 29, 2013 at 9:30 am by Jennifer

3People Were Fiending For That Brad and Angelina Wine, I Guess

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt decided to put out their own wine earlier this month and it was apparently a pretty shrewd business choice, as it’s all sold out already pretty much everywhere in the first 24 hours. Note to buyers: this shit is not polyjuice potion. You will not suddenly look like Brad or Angie by drinking their shitty alcohol. At $139 for a case, it needs to have magical properties because I’m a cheapskate.

From Yahoo News:

I don’t know, I kind of don’t get the draw. I suppose Brangelina fans are going to grab it up, but do Brangelina actually have 6,000 fans? (Well, 1,000, since that’s how many cases there were.) I guess I’d try it for a laugh – so long as it was free.

March 8, 2013 at 10:30 am by Jennifer

7Jolie Tells Pitt He Sucks In Bed; Pitt Gets Hammered

Oh man, I love the National Enquirer. Jest all you like, but half of the time they get their stories right and before anyone else. The other half of the time I think they just make shit up and I think this falls under that half.

Apparently Angelina Jolie told Brad Pitt that compared to Colin Farrell he sucks in bed and now Brad Pitt is an alcoholic or something.

from The National Inquirer

Brad caught Angie red-handed, admitting that she thinks he’s a so-so lover. Ever since then, he’s been on a drunken rampage – consuming copious amounts of his favorite beer and red wine…he’s showed no signs of slowing down on the booze. He’s been drink­ing to forget about the image of Angie and Colin together.

One might ask, how did he catch her “red-handed”? Was she spray-painting “COLIN FARRELL IS BETTER AT SEX THAN BRAD PITT” on their garage? No. Allegedly Jolie was talking on the phone to ex Billy Bob Thornton while Pitt was out but then he forgot his wallet and then this scene from Beverly Hills, 90210 played out:

As he walked into their bedroom, Brad overheard Angie say that he was a great guy, but Colin was the best lover she’d ever had! Then Angie told Billy Bob that her love life with Brad had gone cold, and she missed the wild, passionate sex she’d had with Colin!

Who was there to know this private information? This is like when Charles Foster Kane died whispering his last words, “Rosebud” but the nurse was in the other room. Whatever, this is great, let’s just keep going with this. Brad “exploded” and,

Demanded that Angie tell him everything about her relationship with Colin. She told Brad that she fell in love with Colin because he was dangerous and spontaneous. She also copped to sending Colin sexy pictures, dirty voice-mails and sexually explicit let­ters during their fling. Angie admitted that she had hoped for a future, includ­ing marriage and kids, with Colin, but he wasn’t ready. She couldn’t deny to Brad that he was her second choice! [...] she thrives on making him jealous.

So now Brad Pitt is all sad and not wanting to marry her, like ever, and is telling her she can’t talk to Colin Farrell.

Okay.

February 18, 2013 at 5:30 pm by Catherine St. Ives

0Brangelina Want You To Get Crunk Off Their New Wine

Everyone knows that wine is only good for vineyards, first dates and the desperate and otherwise dry. Still, lots of people seem to like it because it’s classy and you can drink it by the bottle without feeling like the alcoholic you probably are, so it only makes sense that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten in on the action and are releasing their own range, fresh from their very own vineyard!

From Decanter:

Under the agreement, the Perrin family, long-term owners of Château Beaucastel in Chateauneuf-du-Pape, and one of the most renowned names in the Rhone Valley, are now responsible for both the winemaking and distribution of the Jolie-Pitts’ Château Miraval in Correns.

The Perrins began working with the estate from harvest 2012, Marc Perrin told Decanter.com. Mutual friends put the two sides in touch, he said.

When the Jolie-Pitts first moved in to Château Miraval they signed a three-year lease to rent the 500-ha estate, but its AOC Côtes de Provence continued to be made by the previous winemaker.

They have since purchased the property – reportedly for around US$60m – and have been carrying out extensive renovations.

‘The focus will now be more about Miraval itself that any specific cuvée,’ said Perrin. ‘They (the Jolie-Pitts) want to ensure they are making the best Provence wines they can. They were present at the blending sessions this year, and are relooking at everything from the installations in the winery – where we have already switched to stainless steel tanks – to reworking the labels across the range of wines.’

The first Perrin-made Miraval rosés should be on the market next month, March 2013, with the white wines arriving at the end of the summer.

I generally think most wines taste like a fresh blend of stewed ass (besides Riesling – I do like Riesling), so I don’t particularly have high hopes for this. I’d rather a cider – or better yet, an aged Scotch whisky – if I’m going to drink at all. However, I’m sure idiots will buy this by the bucketload simply for the Brangelina name.

Speaking of Brangelina, I’m not sure if this sounds totally like them or not at all like them. They tend to pass by the mainstream celeb entrapments like product endorsements (save Chanel, but that’s couture) and the like, but at the same time, money talks. What do you think? Will you be ponying up for some Miraval?

February 15, 2013 at 7:30 am by Jennifer

10Quotables: Brad Pitt is Getting Married. SOON.

I am getting more pressure from my kids, and it is something I want to do within their lifetime, but I also feel like the time has come… The time is nigh. It’s soon. I got a good feeling about it.

—Brad Pitt on finally anteing up and marrying his babies’ mama, Angelina Jolie. But the part about marrying within his childrens’ lifetime honestly kind of confuses me. I mean, even if he married Angelina Jolie on his f-cking deathbed, God willing, wouldn’t that be in his childrens’ lifetime? That’s kind of a broad arena if you ask me. He says the “time has come” and the “time is nigh”, which are one and the same, but do they both mean that it’s going to be soon-soon, or, like, when all of his kids are able to legally drink-soon?

Do we even care that Brad Pitt and Angelina are *finally* getting married? Are we over these guys as a couple, like we’re already over Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling (because about those last two people, I’m answering for you: YES. YES WE ARE.)?

November 27, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Sarah

3Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Have Obnoxious Kids

From Us Weekly:

Brad Pitt knows where the wild things are — at his hometown pizza parlor.

Every time the actor, 48, and his six children visit Springfield, Missouri, a source tells Us Weekly, the brood goes bananas at Arris’ Pizza!

“The place shuts down for the entire night and the kids raise a ruckus,” says the insider of Maddox, 11, Pax, 8, Zahara, 7, Shiloh, 6, and twins Vivienne and Knox, 4. “They jump on tables and even throw food at each other!”

Pitt and Angelina Jolie, 37, leave their nannies at home and “let the kids enjoy themselves,” continues the source about the couple, who normally divide their time between properties in Los Angeles and their Miraval estate in France.

The twosome loosen up too — on policing their pack.

Says the insider, “Brad and Angelina just sit there and talk to one another while the children run around in circles!”

Uh, no. No way. It’s sweet that Brad and Angelina pay to close the restaurant for the night, but I still don’t think that makes this ok. This is obnoxious* as hell, and it’s just not cool. No kid needs to learn that it’s acceptable to go into a restaurant and throw food. Pull it together, Brangelina.

*Speaking of obnoxious, do you know what I did this weekend? I waited 30 minutes to buy three DVDs. I wasn’t even in line: I was at the register, listening to the cashier make the same lame joke 10 times and looking at his stupid hands because he got something on them and he had to go wash them just one more time, for literally 30 minutes. Obnoxious for days.

November 19, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily