Do you want to hear something sad? I always kind of liked Andy Dick. I saw him on Sober House, and I heard him on the radio with Dr. Drew, and he always seemed like an absolute sweetheart dealing with some serious issues, and I always thought he was funny, you know, when he wasn’t getting arrested or snorting coke. But now he went and said some things about Howard Stern, some coke-fueled hurt feelings about being on the radio, and I just don’t know anymore.

“For two years I did the show, never got a cent, and I’m not complaining about that…I’m just saying the Jew facts. I never got paid,” Dick said. “I have no problem with his big, fat, hook nose, and his money-grubbing miserly Jewishness.”

Howard Stern aired that little quote on his radio show and got all indignant, understandably, and called Andy a “f*cking wacko” and claiming that no one’s going to give him a job. And hey, totally fair, Howard Stern. Call ‘em like you see ‘em.

At the end of the day, this sounds like one of those times where someone is trying to be funny but just ends up sounding really sad. And you guys, trust, Andy Dick is the saddest.

Comedian Andy Dick is up to his same old extremely troubling behavior according to this photo of him snorting a hand mirror full of cocaine. The picture, obtained by RadarOnline, is accompanied by quotes from folks who’ve seen Andy out recently, and while part of me wants to laugh at what a mess this dude is, a bigger part of me just feels so sad for humans.

Andy, hand mirrors are for seeing what your own vagina looks like in the privacy of your bedroom, not drugs. Gosh!

Andy Dick was arrested in West Virginia early this morning on two felony counts of sexual abuse. Dick had performed at a comedy club called The Funny Bone and then headed out to several bars afterwards.

Dick got arrested in 2008 and is still on probation for sexual assault. I’m not sure how “assault” and “abuse” differ in this situation. The only thing I’m sure of is that everytime I say “Dick,” instead of a skinny, annoying “comedian,” I’m picturing a giant phallus. Especially in the context of this next sentence:

When asked why he was being hauled away by the cops, Dick responded, “People grabbin’ on me.”

Eh, let’s see how long this lasts.

Andy Dick has reportedly signed on to be in Sober Living, a new reality show that I can only assume will be hosted by Dr. Drew. Sober living houses are where many recovering addicts choose to live after rehab — it’s kind of like a halfway house, where you have more freedom than in rehab but you’re still not completely on your own. Dick will be paid for his appearance. Somehow I doubt he’ll actually stay sober.

You know what recently occurred to me?

Remember how awesome it was when Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla hosted Loveline together back in the 90s and it was just the most amazing thing ever?

I think Adam Corolla should team up with Dr. Drew to do these rehab shows. Like, Drew’s all full of sensible advice and medical opinions. He needs a co-host like Adam Corolla to be like “Dude, did you see the booking photo of the hooker they caught you with? I think that chick missed the crack pipe and lit her face on fire instead. If you’re so high that you’re paying to bang that, you obviously have a problem.”

You know?

I think it would be awesome.

Oh, man.

The arresting officer, Lt. Dennis Vrooman, told E! News he picked up the actor at 1:13 a.m. today outside the Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant and bar after receiving a complaint about a man urinating outside and generally causing a disturbance.

“He was extremely intoxicated,” Vrooman said.

Upon arriving at the scene, witnesses told the officers that Dick had sexually battered a female teen victim.

Per the police report, the 42-year-old actor approached two girls outside the restaurant before grabbing and pulling down the tank top and bra of the unidentified 17-year-old.

Several of Dick’s friends attempted to remove him from the location, but cops stopped the group’s truck several minutes later at a nearby Sam’s Club.

“The girls were uncomfortable with what he had done,” Vrooman said. “They signed private person arrest forms requesting that he be arrested. It was not mutual.”

After locating Dick, both the victim and an additional witness managed to identify the actor in a curbside lineup.

As if the situation wasn’t bad enough for Dick, officers found marijuana and Xanax in his pants pockets, Vrooman said.

It’s time to get some help, buddy. This is all such a mess.

Andy’s been released on $5000 bail.

I’m pretty sure this is the mug shot of one Andy Dick, who was arrested at 2 am last night in Murrieta (why is anyone ever in Murrieta???) on suspicion of drug possession and misdemeanor sexual battery.

He was arrested at a bar called Buffalo Wild Wings, which I looked up in the hopes that it was some manner of gay strip club, but it’s not. It’s just like a Chilis or something.

Oh, Andy.

This is not good at all.

Heh. So I noticed that both Tom Arnold and Andy Dick attended the premiere of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and my first thought was “Oh please God let there be a photo of them together.”

And here it is.

And it’s a thing of beauty.

I just think this photo — taken at Jude Law’s birthday party at LAX on Saturday — is so funny.

Who lets Andy Dick grab their tits?

I bet all those chicks ran to the bathroom afterwards to snort the cocaine residue off her chest. Andy Dick’s bare hands have to be good for a line or two.

Ah, slow news days.

We’re mere hours away from the holiday weekend. Traffic is down everywhere on the web because you guys aren’t sitting at your desk web-surfing while you should be doing expense reports. No, it’s just past noon on the West coast, which means most of the nation is in a beachside bar tossing back Coronas, as far away from a computer as possible, and Hollywood’s publicists and reporters are right there with them. No one’s breaking interesting stories. So you know what that means:

Andy. Dick.

Hollywood’s favorite cokehead (assuming the top position now that Lindsay’s in rehab) performed at the Funny Bone Comedy Club in Columbus, Ohio last weekend, in what the club’s manager calls his worst experience with a performer in the club’s history.

Dick made inappropriate comments while on stage, groped patrons, took women into the men’s room and urinated on the floor and on at least one person.

That’s right. He urinated on someone. This seems plausible, as on Monday, photos surfaced of Andy in Ohio, as he showed his naughty bits to an eager fan while urinating.

The next day:

A limousine driver was to meet Dick early Monday morning at a hotel near the club, Stroupe said, but he couldn’t be found and missed that morning’s flight to Los Angeles.

Dick was across town, where he was issued a citation for urinating on the sidewalk by Columbus policeman John Fantin. Police eventually escorted Dick back to the hotel, Stroupe said.

Taken at Manhattan’s Snitch club last week.

Honestly, we need to can whatever dull anti-drug program we’re running in the middle schools these days and just send this guy on a national tour of seventh-grade classrooms. Just have him fucking talk about whatever under a big banner that reads “THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS. ANY QUESTIONS?”