Today's Evil Beet Gossip
American Idol

AmIdol Recap: Top 7

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for: it’s country night here on American Idol. Ryan’s dressed for the occasion by wearing — what else? — purple. The mentor for this week is Kellie Pickler. Oh, no, that’s only in my fantasies. (Or an SNL sketch? Lorne Michaels, call me.) It’s actually Martina McBride, who is one of those rare country artists I really like. We cut to Martina McBride in a studio, leading our remaining seven idols in what I would guess is the worst rendition of “Independence Day” you’ll come across outside of your local sorority’s body-shot/sing-along night.

Phil Stacey’s up first. Singing “Where the Blacktop Ends” by Keith Urban. We cut to this weird shot of Phil and Martina in the studio, and I think they’re talking as the director motions for them to hit their mark by the piano, so they both seem really distracted, and Martina’s asking Phil about Kansas as she walks backwards, so it seems like he’s cornering her. I have no idea why they used that shot. Phil is — thank God — not wearing his Oliver! cap tonight, and looks respectably country-cool in black pants and a black shirt with only a hint of shiny stripes. He does seem comfortable on stage tonight, and he’s walking through the audience giving people high-fives and hugs, pausing to make love to the camera every now and then, and it’s kind of working as an act. Vocally he’s nothing special tonight, but he’s holding it down. Someone didn’t think the camera work through quite right, so we have a solid ten seconds of the back of his bald little head before they figure it out. Phil has a really small head, like a character from Goonies or something. I just noticed that. Ha! Randy’s all like, “From an accomplished producer,” as he gestures to himself, “you’re going to have a career in country music.” Randy is nothing if not modest. Paula is in that weird place where I’m not sure if she’s high or stupid, but she liked it, I think. Simon liked it quite a bit. Ryan, making fun of Phil, goes “Woooo!” and makes a face that I think is supposed to be hard-core, but you know what he looks like? That’s painting, The Scream? Of that ghost-like dude? If you still have this episode TiVo’d, go to minute 8, wait ’til Ryan goes “Woooo!” and pause it. Then look at that painting. I think Ryan was the model. And then Ryan, again making fun of Phil, goes “Love you love you!” and suddenly I realize that he was the inspiration for Crank Yankers‘ Special Ed. Ryan, darling, Phil is not the one walking away from this encounter feeling silly.

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Bitter…Party of One

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Who knew that little Paris Bennet was so bitter at losing American Idol. According to TMZ, Paris has evidently decided to support Sanjaya to prove that “American Idol” is a joke. Paris called into a Minneapolis radio show, the “Tone E Fly Morning Show,” to let the world know really what she thinks about Idol.

“We want to see him [Sanjaya] win because it’ll kind of prove that ‘American Idol’ is kind of losing its taste,” says Bennett, “it kinda isn’t going for talent anymore and more for popularity.”

Paris, didn’t know you were so sassy. Does she think that she was more marketable that Taylor or Carrie? Yes she had an awesome voice but being and Idol is not just about talent. You gotta have the look, some kind of voice and the public are the ones who choose.

I hope you know Paris that every gig that you play and every album you sell is directly related to the fact that you were on “American Idol.” Don’t bite the hand that feeds you but hey, nice headshot. Hope that music career is going well for you.

An American Idol Sex Tape

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Sigh. I hate that I’m writing this story. I put it off for awhile, hoping this story would just flicker out and die, and yet it persists, and so I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t bring it to you. Someone who was once on American Idol has a raunchy sex tape. Who, you ask? Kellie Pickler, maybe? Nikki McKibbin? Clay Aiken? Maybe even Jim Verraros? Ooh, or Jim Verraros with Clay Aiken?? No, no. It’s no one you’ve heard of, silly. It’s some chick named Olivia Mojica, but honestly her name might as well be Pornstar McBangy for all you care. You don’t remember her. She was somewhere in the Top 24 of season two and I have absolutely no idea how this became a story. It turns out that the American public likes sex tapes.

The tape’s being released by Vivid, the geniuses behind Kim Kardashian’s sex tape. They claim they got the tape from a third party, and it turns out that, if you carefully rearrange the letters in “third party,” they actually spell “Olivia Mojica.” It’s apparently quite raunchy, and TMZ has the stills if you’re into that sort of thing. As more of the footage gets leaked, I’ll of course be linking you to it in my daily link round-up, because I’m reliable like that. If I get to it a little late, it’s just because I’m too busy shopping my sex tape, Feel the Beet. The website should go live early next week. Someone tell TMZ.

Just Gotta Ask

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What are the chances Haley poses for Playboy within the next year? I say one billion percent. And honestly, given the choice between 500k for some nudey shots and then fading into obscurity or just fading into obscurity (without any K at all) I’d take the loot.

Basically, I’m not mad at you Haley. Do your thing. Peel the short shorts.

AmIdol Recap: Top 8

I’ll start out by warning you all that I napped this afternoon, so you won’t be privy to any of my insomnia-induced diatribes this evening. Hopefully I can still make this interesting.

It’s LATIN night tonight. What could possibly go wrong (cough … Haley Scarnato). And, ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Drive is in the audience tonight! Who are they? What is Drive? WHO KNOWS?! But I’m guessing it airs on Fox. Ryan’s wearing lavender again. That never gets old. Oh, wait, except it does.

Jenny from the Block is here, and it turns out she’s kind of famous and successful. They fail to show any of her clips as a Fly Girl on In Living Color, and I think that’s just an all-around failure on Fox’s part. Ooh, and she speaks Spanish! Sometimes she sings in it, too. She gives the contestants some predictably bland advice about what the audience is looking for, and states in her interview that she does have some favorites, although she won’t say who.

Melinda Doolittle. “Sway.” Is “sultriest” a word? JLo just used it. Melinda’s all like, “I’m so not sexy! Eeee!” and I want to slap her. I want to be like “No, you’re not! You know why? The teeth! American parents are forever grateful to you, as they no longer have to remind their children to brush their teeth. The kids watch American Idol. They get it now. The show finishes and the kids are all like ‘Mom, can I go brush my teeth now?’” She kills the song, of course. She looks very nice, in a simple black dress and pearls. Randy thought it was a solid performance. Paula thought it was “subtle and sexy and beautiful.” Simon didn’t like it. He doesn’t think she brought enough personality, and thought she appeared old. Melinda actually seems kind of relieved that her perfect streak was broken.

LaKisha. Getting direction from the best of the best on how to say “conga.” LaKisha is understandably confused, as, here in the land of English as a Primary Language, the word is pronounced “cahnga,” but in Jennifer Lopez’s Universe of Affected Latina Accents, it absolutely must be pronounced “cohnga.” They work on this for awhile. Then, all of a sudden, Jennifer Lopez is having a seizure! An angry seizure! Oh, wait, no, she’s showing LaKisha how to dance. Now LaKisha’s face is fighting with her breasts for camera space. The camera guy’s all like, “Pan out, pan out!!!” because her breasts are taking up the whole screen. I would tell you what LaKisha is wearing, but it has already sent me into a Lopez-style seizure. Oh, this isn’t good at all. This girl is so not equipped for this song. Ha! She’s pronouncing the word “cahnga.” Like it’s supposed to be pronounced. Rock on, LK. That’s easily the most entertaining part of this. The rest is just kind of sad to watch. She doesn’t know how to work with a song she can’t belt. And she’s so focused on getting the dance steps right I’m amazed she’s even singing the right words. Randy thought she was having a good time — honestly, to me, it seemed like she was panicking — and thought it was “hot.” I disagree. Paula didn’t really like it. Simon agrees with Paula that she just wasn’t all that interesting to watch, and the dancing wasn’t very good. Simon accuses Ryan of being gay because we’re 17 minutes in and it’s about time someone used the most popular television show in the country to imply that homosexuality is something to be ashamed of. Every. Single. Time.

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Haley’s Military Fans

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Haley Scarnato’s fiancé Bobby Krudwig got his brother and his fellow servicemen to give her a shout out from Iraq. Krudwig’s brother, Army Capt. Keith Krudwig, 34 (far left, wearing sunglasses in the photo) is in his second tour in Iraq and since he couldn’t be there to support Hayley in person, he had his mom hold up a sign that was panned to before she was annouced Tuesday.

I’m kind of a Haley fan. I have no idea why. She seems so sweet. Can’t wait for her naked pics to hit the internet.