I’ll start out by warning you all that I napped this afternoon, so you won’t be privy to any of my insomnia-induced diatribes this evening. Hopefully I can still make this interesting.
It’s LATIN night tonight. What could possibly go wrong (cough … Haley Scarnato). And, ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Drive is in the audience tonight! Who are they? What is Drive? WHO KNOWS?! But I’m guessing it airs on Fox. Ryan’s wearing lavender again. That never gets old. Oh, wait, except it does.
Jenny from the Block is here, and it turns out she’s kind of famous and successful. They fail to show any of her clips as a Fly Girl on In Living Color, and I think that’s just an all-around failure on Fox’s part. Ooh, and she speaks Spanish! Sometimes she sings in it, too. She gives the contestants some predictably bland advice about what the audience is looking for, and states in her interview that she does have some favorites, although she won’t say who.
Melinda Doolittle. “Sway.” Is “sultriest” a word? JLo just used it. Melinda’s all like, “I’m so not sexy! Eeee!” and I want to slap her. I want to be like “No, you’re not! You know why? The teeth! American parents are forever grateful to you, as they no longer have to remind their children to brush their teeth. The kids watch American Idol. They get it now. The show finishes and the kids are all like ‘Mom, can I go brush my teeth now?’” She kills the song, of course. She looks very nice, in a simple black dress and pearls. Randy thought it was a solid performance. Paula thought it was “subtle and sexy and beautiful.” Simon didn’t like it. He doesn’t think she brought enough personality, and thought she appeared old. Melinda actually seems kind of relieved that her perfect streak was broken.
LaKisha. Getting direction from the best of the best on how to say “conga.” LaKisha is understandably confused, as, here in the land of English as a Primary Language, the word is pronounced “cahnga,” but in Jennifer Lopez’s Universe of Affected Latina Accents, it absolutely must be pronounced “cohnga.” They work on this for awhile. Then, all of a sudden, Jennifer Lopez is having a seizure! An angry seizure! Oh, wait, no, she’s showing LaKisha how to dance. Now LaKisha’s face is fighting with her breasts for camera space. The camera guy’s all like, “Pan out, pan out!!!” because her breasts are taking up the whole screen. I would tell you what LaKisha is wearing, but it has already sent me into a Lopez-style seizure. Oh, this isn’t good at all. This girl is so not equipped for this song. Ha! She’s pronouncing the word “cahnga.” Like it’s supposed to be pronounced. Rock on, LK. That’s easily the most entertaining part of this. The rest is just kind of sad to watch. She doesn’t know how to work with a song she can’t belt. And she’s so focused on getting the dance steps right I’m amazed she’s even singing the right words. Randy thought she was having a good time — honestly, to me, it seemed like she was panicking — and thought it was “hot.” I disagree. Paula didn’t really like it. Simon agrees with Paula that she just wasn’t all that interesting to watch, and the dancing wasn’t very good. Simon accuses Ryan of being gay because we’re 17 minutes in and it’s about time someone used the most popular television show in the country to imply that homosexuality is something to be ashamed of. Every. Single. Time.