Today's Evil Beet Gossip
American Idol

Idol Premieres with Lackluster Numbers OR I Miss Paula, You Guys

American Idol premiered last night and for the first time in the six years (only six years? I feel like this shit has been on my whole life), the ratings failed to crack the 30 million mark. They did OK and came in with about 29.8 million, but for a premiere and with Victoria Beckham holding down the judges table with, they probably could have done better. Of course, one major drawback to the show this season is that Paula Abdul is now gone. I don’t think I appreciated what a delicious nutty flavor she added to the panel until now. I mean, sure! I knew she was “on something”, I knew that slurring words during a talent competition was totally ridiculous and only acceptable because she’s insane, but I don’t think I ever thought to myself “This is what gives this show its X-Factor.”

I’m thinking it’s a really bad thing that Paula’s gone now. American Idol, for how seriously it takes itself, always seemed to be in on a bigger joke when Paula was on the panel. It was like, “We’re only watching this televised talent competition because that chick form the 80s who acts like a junkie is hilarious.” The panel last night though? Snore. Simon’s still mean, Randy’s still meaner because he acts nice but just sits there and laughs at Simon, and those skinny dark-haired broads were BOR-ING.

Also, did this first episode seem to work all the sad angles more than ever or what? It’s as if it doesn’t even matter if you’re a good singer, you have to be an OK singer who survived cancer or has an old person in their life or has low self-esteem. I was really OK with the fact that Kelly Clarkson just had a good voice. I don’t need her to have a hysterectomy in order for me to want to hear “Walk Away” in the shower every day. Once we’re voting for these people based on all the different variables– do we “like” them?, are they attractive?, does their story make us sad?, are they OK at singing?– the competition completely falls apart.

What did you think about the show last night? Any hopes for anyone who has made it so far to make it to the next round?

Oh, P.S. If you’re anything like my friend Chuck, you might want to get pumped up for the next round of auditions by doing something like this:

Sorry. I have no idea what’s wrong with him.

Simon Cowell to Leave American Idol


Oh, Simon, you awesome British shithead, you.

I love this show.  Like, I love this show in the same way that the fabled fat kid loves cake.  Maybe even more.

Reps announce that Simon is jumping ship on the kind-of-sinking American Idol and will judge and also be an executive producer for a related show, The X Factor. Which, like Idol, will also air on Fox.

I don’t know, man.  First that crazy Paula gets dropped and we think that the show can’t withstand the rigors of judging talent without a nutty, drugged-out former dancer to keep us entertained and now this?  What are you doing, Fox?  Are you singlehandedly trying to ruin my life?

Wives Crawl Up Their Husbands’ Asses in Light of Tiger Woods Scandal

Katy and Kris Allen

The Tiger Woods scandal has gotten pretty out of hand (I know! I know! I am a part of the problem! This is the last mention of Tiger today unless something completely amazing breaks), and lots of people out there are questioning their spouses faith in light of the news that even the most seemingly boring dude in the world was caught having fourteen mistresses. Last night former American Idol contestant Kris Allen told TMZ that his wife Katy has been “all over him” ever since she read up on Tiger.

I barely even trust my own dog, so I can imagine that this story is being brought up a lot between couples out there. TMZ is calling it “Tiger Woods Syndrome” and I think for once, they are pretty accurate. It’s not as if we didn’t know before that people cheated on each other, but now we’re all reminded that even “the nice guy” could be banging chicks from reality shows condomless behind their wife’s back. Kind of scary, right?

Ellen Degeneres to Judge American Idol

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This comes so far out of left field, it’s guaranteed to be a home run. As we were all sitting around, shaking our heads and wondering how on earth American Idol could continue to be interesting during its post-Paulum depression, the FOX executives were doing something absolutely genius: They were hiring Ellen Degeneres.

Ellen will take the fourth judge’s seat after its preliminary auditions phase (so basically she gets to miss out on the worst part.) “I’ve watched since the beginning and I’ve always been a huge fan, so getting this job is a dream come true,” said Ellen.

It’s funny this should happen today. I’ve been absent from around here for awhile — I was at a cabin in the middle of Idaho, for anyone who’s interested — and this morning I found myself sitting in front of the TV as it happened to be tuned to Ellen. It’s been years since I’ve watched her show, and I was just struck with how creative and entertaining and all-around brilliant her show is. I was like “I wish I had the opportunity to see more of her.” AND NOW I WILL!

Ya know, I really thought Paula was irreplaceable on that show. I bet she thought that, too. But they didn’t try to find another Paula — they found her polar opposite. I think Ellen will continue Paula’s tradition of treating the contestants with kindness, but she’ll be perceptive and (intentionally) funny and sober in the process, and I think it’ll be fantastic for the show. Ellen seems to have lately really embraced her inner butch lesbian — and I’m loving the look on her — and I think it’ll be fantastic to have an openly gay presence on the show. I’m certain it’ll prevent Ryan and Simon from hinting at one another’s homosexuality as an insult, which was getting really really old.

Well-played, my friends at FOX.

Michael Douglas’ Son is in a Lot of Trouble for Mailing Bath Salts

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It was discovered last week that Michael Douglas’ son Cameron, 30, had been arrested for dealing meth. The drug arrest was less shocking than the size of it, as Cameron sent about a pound and a half of meth via FedEx, an amount valued around 18 thousand dollars, at least on a couple occasions.

Supposedly it wasn’t too hard to bust Cam, as this is something he had kept up for years. Make the meth, package and ship it across the country calling it “bath salts” or “pastry” and get paid. Unfortunately, the DEA caught on to his ways after several of his former pals and employees ditched him out. As of right now, the authorities are still staying silent on whether or not Douglas is still being charged or even if he’s still behind bars.

Paula Bids Ab-dieu to Idol

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I’m devastated. Just appalled. Apparently Paula Abdul will not be returning to American Idol because she could not reach a contract agreement with the producers. (Read: They were tired of having to babysit a wasted Paula on live television twice weekly.) I guess we all kind of saw this coming last year, when they brought Kara on board, and later when they were having contract difficulties, but something inside me believed that it would never really happen. I was wrong.

Paula tweeted about this national catastrophe:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all..Cont’d…

I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon.

What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me

I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch Idol without Paula. Half the fun of that show for me is playing the “How high is Paula?” game I invented. Oh Paula. Don’t leave me!

Ginger Spice Has Wardrobe Malfunction, Uses Boyfrend Like a Human Shield

Geri's Wardrobe Malfunction

Former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell stood behind boyfriend Henry Beckwith to block her bod from the paps at a polo match while she readjusted her misbehaving dress. Her beau seems to be a good sport about it, but the photos look ridiculous. Check out the gallery below!