When we last checked in on Amber Portwood, Teen Mom and ne’er-do-well, the news was that she was probably going to jail for two years. But that was way back in December, and a lot of things have happened since then, so we’re going to have to do a little bit of catching up before we get to this latest news, ok?

Back in January, Amber was sentenced to five years in prison for drug charges, but she was able to make a deal that would allow her to avoid prison altogether if she completed a rehabilitation program. Part of the deal was that Amber had to live in a halfway house for up to three years and get a job – so no Teen Mom for her. But the halfway house she was set to go to decided that they didn’t want her around, so she got one of Lindsay‘s classic ankle bracelets. A couple of weeks after that, Amber – surprise! – failed a drug test when she refused to produce a sample. She didn’t have to go back to jail, but she had to write a 500 word essay on her “responsibilities as a drug court participant,” because apparently the court system in Indiana is a lot like middle school.

A couple of months passed by uneventfully, but in May, she had to go back to jail after she missed a court appointment. Amber’s excuse? She had gallbladder surgery, and her doctor told her that she needed to stay in bed for three weeks, so she couldn’t make it. Everyone called “bullshit” on that one, then they called her doctor, who explained that while she did actually have the surgery, she was totally able to make it to court. But she was released from jail once again, and went back to the terms of the rehabilitation program.

But then – here’s where it gets good – Amber got sick of the rehab and requested to be sent to prison. She told the judge that she’ll always be a “bad girl,” and that she’d been doing drugs throughout the program.

And that brings us to today:

“Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood has been sentenced to five long years in the big house … again — after asking an Indiana judge to reimpose her sentence, stemming from a December drug arrest.

Portwood was in court this morning when the judge reimposed the sentence. Her attorney asked for leniency, but the judge was unmoved … insisting he had no choice but to enforce the terms of Amber’s plea agreement.

Portwood’s five-year prison sentence was previously stayed on the condition she complete a drug rehabilitation program — but as we first reported, Portwood gave up on the program … and asked to go to prison instead.

The judge said he would refer Amber to the Indiana Department of Corrections therapeutic community program — an incarceration-based treatment program.

Portwood will be given credit for time served in jail.

And that’s the long, sordid tale about Amber Portwood, and how she’s going to spend the next few years.

Amber from Teen Mom has had a really rough year. For starters, she went to jail for hitting her boyfriend and neglecting her daughter, she tried to kill herself, and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and dissociative disorder. Things were looking up for a hot minute earlier this week when the protective order keeping Amber from seeing her daughter was lifted, but now, just a few days later, it looks like Amber has violated pretty much every single one of her terms of probation.

TMZ has a list of those violations:

– “Failure to behave well in society” — namely, drinking too much and hitting a person at a restaurant last month
– Failure to obtain a GED
– Failure to complete 6 months of anger control evaluation and classes
– Failure to pay probation fees
– Failure to set up a $10,000 college fund for her baby daughter

So basically Amber can’t do anything right. Seriously, she had to go to some classes, get a GED, and make some payments. It’s not like she’s poor. Also, one of her rules was that she had to “behave well in society.” Someone told her to be a good girl out in public so she wouldn’t have to go to jail for two years, and she just said “nah, I’m just gonna punch this chick at the IHOP.” That’s how this whole thing is going down.

Man, some people …

“I don’t think anyone was surprised. I mean it is heartbreaking, but Kim and Kris are like Gary [Shirley] and me. Total opposites. One is a diva and the other is a down-home guy.”

- Amber Portwood compares her relationship with good ol’ Gary to the relationship between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.

Can we get Amber a job as a guest blogger? Or could someone give her a job on The View or something? I never would have guessed, but after this little snippet and some imagination, I figure that there’s probably not anyone else I’d rather hear report on some gossip than the trainwreck that is Amber Portwood. Can you think of anyone? I’m open to suggestions here.

Additionally, when E! asked Amber who was the diva, her or Gary, she responded with “Well, Janice Dickinson told me I’m a diva, so I guess I’d have to say I’m the diva.” And that’s how you pull together a Teen Mom, a Kardashian, and the always marvelous Janice Dickinson to form a new holy trinity of trashy fabulousity.

Oh, good ol’ Amber Portwood, that hot mess of a Teen Mom. It always seems like no matter what other trainwreck MTV has to offer, Amber always comes out on top, doesn’t it? And you might be like “no, no, Emily, didn’t you see Deena‘s ass crack?” And yes, I did, but I’m here to offer you irrefutable evidence that Amber Portwood is, in fact, MTV’s trashiest employee. I call it “irrefutable” because it comes from her own brother.

For those of you who are wondering whether or not I said everything that was in Life & Style magazine, I will tell you yes and no.  Really I did not say anything that no one already knew.  Second, the editor of the magazine called me and asked me to either confirm or deny what other sources were saying.  Unfortunately this time I confirmed.  I love Amber very much but she has changed considerably since she was “16 and Pregnant.”  See, back then she was barely making a few hundred dollars a month for doing the show.  She was the same person that I had always known her as growing up.  As the years went by her salary gradually went up higher and higher. This is because MTV associates are a bunch of sadistic assholes who continued to lure her in with more money as an incentive to stay on the show.  Over time a few hundred dollars a month turned into tens of thousands.  During this time she also gradually changed.  She lost her way and became someone else.  She is over-dramatic and thinks of herself as an A-list celebrity.  I personally believe that these little blackout spells that she has is just a cry for help and a way to go back to where everyone will do everything for her, Seasons.  It makes me sick to know that so many people look up to individuals on MTV.  They are/were people just like you who only got on TV to exploit themselves and act like dumb asses.  Let me tell you a story about how Amber got on the show.  My ex-wife tried to sign us up for a show called “Engaged and Underage.”  They called me and told me that they wanted to film us.  I told them that we were already married and they said, “that’s fine.”  They wanted to do a special with us.  Get married and then turn around and tell our families that we had been married for over four months at the time.  I told them that they were not going to make a mockery out of my life.  I wish Amber would have had the same mentality as me.  When I deployed to Iraq in 2007 Amber found out that she was going to have a little girl.  Of course, MTV called my ex and said, “hey, we are doing a show called 16 and pregnant, know anyone who would be a good candidate.”  So they got Amber’s name.  Had I been home I would have told her just how sadistic MTV was.  When I came home on mid-tour leave I found out that she was not only pregnant but that she was also going to be on a MTV show.  This made me furious because I knew it would ruin her life.  Fast forward to today and we can all see that Amber is a complete train wreck.  Most of you might say that it is Amber’s fault because she signed up for the show.  I would agree, slightly.  MTV is slowly ruining her life day by day and they do not care for one reason, ratings.  Now Leah has a dysfunctional mother because she wants to live  the lifestyle of the rich and famous.  My last point that I wish to make is this.  If you are making $15,000 plus a months then why even have a show about struggling mothers.  None of them are struggling yet they are forced to say they are.  This is no longer a show about how hard it is to be a mother.  Instead it is a show about how one can go from being broke as hell to have a shit ton of money for simply having a kid.  Now there is going to be a season 4.  They are not even TEENS anymore.  Call it something else like, spoiled snotty rich inconsiderate hateful bitchy mothers who make thousands for spreading their legs.  End of story.

Did you get all that?  The part where Amber’s brother calls her out numerous times?  The part where he actually calls his sister one of a group of “spoiled snotty rich inconsiderate hateful bitchy mothers who make thousands for spreading their legs”? Because that’s some intensity there.  Those aren’t words you just throw around.

So who’s the trainwreckiest MTV star now?

According to sources at Radar Online:

“Late this morning (11:34 a.m.), Anderson Police responded to a call at a residence in the 1300 block of Pleasant Meadow Drive. According to the caller, 21-year-old Amber L. Portwood was depressed and threatening to end her life. The victim, who did not appear to be injured, was transported to a local medical facility for further evaluation. An Anderson police source also confirms that the call was not made by Amber at her home, but by “a relative” at a different location, who advised the authorities to check on Amber. A source told Star [magazine] that the mother of Amber’s on-again, off-again boyfriend, Gary Shirley, made the phone call …

… to the police.

The source has provided Star with further details of the dramatic scene at Amber’s home. “Two policemen arrived, found her face-up on the couch and immediately called for an ambulance. When two EMT workers arrived, they removed the rope that Amber had loosely knotted around her neck. They tried speaking with her, but she was in and out of consciousness and couldn’t respond; she was just moaning. They gave her an oxygen mask, put her on a gurney, and rushed her to the hospital.”

So, wow. Pretty heavy stuff. She tried to hang herself? That’s really horrible, actually. I mean, DID she try to hang herself? Or did she just loosely knot the rope around her neck and decide, hey, I’m gonna lay down on the couch and rethink this whole thing.

I have no doubts that we’ll be hearing the whole story on this business sooner rather than later, but I definitely hope – above all – that her daughter will indefinitely be put in a safe environment, free from threats of violence, death, and mental illness. The whole situation is a total shame, but it’s the baby that really matters at the end of the day. Maybe harsh, but definitely true.

Well, I guess it’s nice that MTV decided to use their Teen Mom stars run a formal PSA about teen pregnancy (as opposed to the show, which is just one long, kind of unclear PSA about why you might not want to have a baby at 14), but I’ve learned nothing from it. No, that’s not true. I’ve learned that I’m happy I was raised to speak proper English and that I wasn’t allowed to dress like an overly made-up slore.

The intro to the PSA features one of the moms saying, “The night that I got pregnant, I wish that me and my boyfriend were cuddling and watching a movie,” and a moment later shows that Amber Portwood character saying something like, “I wish we had just relaxed.”

First of all, it’s “my boyfriend and I,” and secondly, the last thing you need to do, Amber, is relax. Why not hit the gym, read a book or wash all that graffiti off of your car?

The only thing I like about this PSA is that finally, like, 12 seconds into the whole thing (it’s only 15 seconds long) someone brings up the idea of using protection. The whole thing was feeling like a hypocritical ad for abstinence until one of these geniuses had the sense to bring up the idea of not raw dogging.

Ugh, what the hell is wrong with people?

Teen Mom‘s Amber Portwood has had a rough couple of years and the recent vandalism on her Ford Taurus is just another thing to add to her list.

First she, you know, became a teen mom, then she and her baby daddy wound up in jail and then she had some nude photos of herself leaked. Oh, and there’s that really unfortunate tattoo she got, too. I’m sure she probably wanted to kill herself when she pulled up to her mother’s house and saw that her car was spray painted with words like “whore,” “slut,” and “fucker.”

RadarOnline has all the photos of the damage, which I’ve grifted for easy viewing, and hey now! It’s looks pretty bad. How and why this happened has yet to be proved, but Radar’s suggesting that it was the work of her next door neighbor, whose boyfriend Amber is supposedly now dating.

A couple of years ago, my then 17-year-old brother stole some dude’s girlfriend, and in true high school form, the dude scratched the words “bitch faggot” into the hood of his car. At the time, I thought it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, but mostly because my little brother can be pretty annoying. Still, no one, not even someone who is arguably a whore, slut and fucker deserves to have something like this done to their property. Pretty messed up stuff.

Partially nude photos of Teen Mom’s Amber Portwood have been leaked and RadarOnline got ‘em first. Amber, who recently took Kim Kardashian to task for bashing her and her co-stars, appears fully nude with her hands cleverly covering some of her naughtier parts. The best thing(s) about these photos? That huge tattoo of her daughter covering what looks like baby bump #2. Klassy!

The NSFW pics are in the gallery after the jump and they are gross. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Teen Mom star Amber Portwood is insisting that she’s not pregnant again, but her new boyfriend, Adam Dockery, keeps saying otherwise.

Adam reportedly told RumorFix that Amber took several pregnancy tests and each of them came back positive. He also added, “She went to Planned Parenthood. And she’s telling me it was negative, but I’m not so sure if I’m believing her though.”

Nice. A boyfriend who speaks to the press about his girlfriend’s personal business AND paints her to be a liar. This guy could teach even Scott Disick a thing or two.

What do you guys think? Is Amber dumb enough to be pregnant again, or is she just having sex with some big mouthed fame hungry idiot?

Teen Mom star Amber Portwood is firing back at Kim Kardashian for some comments she made recently about the negative impact of Amber’s show on teen culture. Kim warned girls not to idolize the underage and pregnant girls on the MTV show and said that she fears the show puts the wrong message out there.

Amber spoke to E! and gave quite a statement:

“There’s actually a study that shows since the original 16 and Pregnant aired, the number of teen pregnancies has gone down. Last time I checked, Kim Kardashian had a sex tape floating around on the internet and I’m pretty sure she made a lot of money off of it. She made a sex tape when she was younger, and she wants to bash the girls on Teen Mom? If you read the articles about the show, they do nothing but talk about how the show reveals how hard it is for all of us. It doesn’t glamorize anything! It shows the heartache we’ve all gone through. We may be ‘celebrities’ because our face is out there, but it’s only because we’ve done some bad things. That’s not glamorous.”

Pretty lucid and slightly intelligent, huh?

I’m definitely not one to side with Amber, but she’s right. Kim Kardashian is far from being in a position to judge what people do to make a name for themselves. Her entire family has endlessly benefited from her letting Brandy’s little brother urinate on her, and she’s calling out these teenage girls? It sounds to me like Kim’s never seen Teen Mom OR Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Um, I don’t even know what to do with this information.

Amber Portwood, who I didn’t even know was a citizen of Earth until earlier this week, was forced to report her earnings to the judge handling her case and the number is shocking. HollywoodLife.com is reporting that the Teen Mom star said she has pulled in $280,000 this year for being a television personality.

$280,000! That’s a shitload of money for an MTV star that’s not even old enough to make club appearances.

Hopefully this girl has someone in her life who will help her manage whatever dough that’s not eaten up by her legal fees. I mean, she only traded her privacy to get it.

I’ve done my best to ignore both this show and this news story, but I can’t anymore. Yo, one of the moms from that show Teen Mom is in jail! … Yes, only one of them. Can you believe it?

Amber Portwood, who looks like an orange Pound Puppy, was jailed this morning after being charged with three class D felonies, two for domestic battery and one count of neglect of a dependent (that would be her baby). The charges sprung from an on-camera fight between Amber and her former fiance and baby daddy, Gary Shirley, who she claims to be getting along with these days.

Because of an Indiana law stating that anyone charged with domestic violence is required to spend at least 24 hours in jail regardless of whether or not bail has been posted, Amber is currently being held. Should everything go according to plan, Amber will be back out by later this evening.

As I said, I don’t know anything about this show, so I’m going to have to rely on you guys to guide me: Is Amber a misunderstood teen, in a crappy position, or is this chick just a total menace?