Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin to Charlie Sheen: “You Will Never Win”

A photo of Alec Baldwin

These days, one of the first things I think about when I wake up is Charlie Sheen.  Is that sad?  Seriously, my routine involves making the bed, petting the puppy, turning on the computer, and Googling Charlie Sheen.  It seems like good ol’ Alec Baldwin has been following a similar routine, because he took some time to write up a bit of decent advice to Charlie:

But you know what you should do? Take a nap. Get a shower. Call Chuck. Go on Letterman and make an apology. Write a huge check to the B’Nai Brith. And then beg for your job back. Your fans demand it. You will never win because when you are as big a douchebag as some of these guys are, they have no choice but to snuff you. (Do you secretly want to get snuffed? So you can go back and make movies?)

Sober up, Charlie. And get back on TV, if it’s not too late. This is America. You want to really piss off Chuck and Warner Brothers and CBS? Beg for America’s forgiveness. They will give it to you. And then go back. You are a great television star. And you’ve got the gig. As I learned from closely observing Tony Bennett so I could impersonate him on SNL, this is supposed to be fun.

P.S…. buy Cryer a really nice car.

That sounds like some pretty solid advice, but some of that’s got to sting.  How closely has Alec been following Charlie this past month or so?  Like, has he heard the man talk at all? Charlie Sheen has centered his life around the idea of winning, and he clearly knows how to work a machete – I’d be a little more delicate with my words if I were Alec.

Alec Baldwin > Betty White?

Last night, Alec Baldwin hosted the 35th season finale of Saturday Night Live.  I’m not sure when I started liking Alec Baldwin, but it happened and I don’t know how I feel about it.  Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers were there too, so it was a double dose of goodness.

By the way, I don’t really believe Alec Baldwin is greater than Betty White.  She’ll always be my favorite.

Check You Out, Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin

Yesterday was New York University’s Commencement ceremony.  It happened at Yankee Stadium.  Alec Baldwin was their guest speaker. And I am a little bit jealous (my commencement speaker was a 90-year-old former senator who rambled for an hour about trains and aliens and his bladder cancer, but that’s another story).

Alec was also given an honorary doctorate in fine arts, having received his original degree from NYU’s Tisch School for the Arts in 1994.  On top of his shiny new Ph.D, he is also hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend.  This is a huge week for Alec Baldwin, you guys. You should probably send him a card or something.

What do you think of Alec Baldwin?  Does he deserve all this ruckus? Is he your favorite Baldwin (personally, my heart belongs to Daniel)?

Don’t Fuck With Kim Basinger

If I wasn’t a hardcore member of Team Baldwin, you know I’d be tipping my hat to this crazy bitch for her next-level revenge tactics. Kim Basinger, as it turns out, is relentless. She will stop at nothing to make her ex-husband miserable, including ratting him out to the paparazzi. Digging through Paris Hilton’s old bag of tricks, are we?

From the Chicago Sun Times:

A major New York paparazzo claims he and other shutterbugs were tipped off by Basinger about daughter Ireland calling 911 last week. Now called a ”major misunderstanding” by Baldwin’s camp, that incident led to Baldwin briefly going to a New York hospital, before being released and declared perfectly healthy.

When Baldwin got home, he was infuriated by the huge number of paparazzi lurking outside his Manhattan apartment building — and had to be restrained from going after a photographer he claimed hassled him physically.

While Basinger’s camp denies any contact with paparazzi, my source insists it was the actress whose call came through immediately after the paparazzi picked up the 911 call via police radios.

Damn! I would say that this story is total garbage, but now that I think about it, I could totally see Kim doing something like this. And I know nothing about the woman! Doesn’t she have that face, though? She kinda has an Arthur Slugworth from Willy Wonka vibe, no? Like maybe she would hang out in dark and mysterious corners making secret calls to paparazzi in attempt to push her husband back off the wagon once and for all?

I don’t like you, Kim Basinger, but I respect your thorough anger.

Alec Baldwin Rushed to Hospital for No Reason

Alec Baldwin was taken to the hospital this morning after being found unresponsive in bed by his 14-year old daughter Ireland. Although initial reports suggested that booze and/or pills were involved, those rumors have since been dismissed.

Baldwin was released within an hour and his rep released the following statement:

“This was a misunderstanding on one person’s part. Alec was quickly released from the hospital, he’s completely fine and will be at work today. If there was a real problem, he wouldn’t have been released within an hour.”

OK, so the “one person” with the “misunderstanding” is clearly Ireland, who you may remember from this leaked voicemail from a few years ago. Are we to believe that Ireland doesn’t know the difference between an unconscious person and her sleeping father? Is it possible that Alec had been drinking or using drugs before Ireland called the police or do we think perhaps this is just her idea of some teenage drama?

Alec Baldwin Leaving Hollywood … Again.

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Right around the time that Alec Baldwin was spewing vitriolic voicemails at his daughter Ireland, he stated that he was quitting the business to focus on family.  According to Alec, the folks over at 30 Rock wouldn’t release him from his contract, so we’ve been stuck with Jack Donaghy ever since.  For that I am very thankful.

Now a bit of time has passed and Alec still wants out of this.  “I don’t have any interest in acting anymore.  Movies are part of my past. It’s been 30 years. I’m not young, but I have time to do something else.  It’s a difficult thing to say, but I believe it: I consider my entire movie career a complete failure.  I’ll tell you why. The goal of moviemaking is to star in a film where your performance drives the film, and the film is either a soaring critical or commercial success, and I never had that.”  Alec, are you nuts?  You’re the narrator of the Thomas the Tank Engine movies; if that doesn’t qualify as both a “critical and commercial success” (as well as a personal sanity-keeper for this chick) I don’t know what does!

Of course, Baldwin could go all Cher/Streisand/Stones on us and have one of those fancy comebacks in a few years, but it doesn’t sound like that’s his plan.  Although he doesn’t directly admit it, I can almost guarantee you that he’s clearing his schedule so that he can pursue a political career.  He’s so Ronnie Reagan, except, you know … a Dem.

And The Job Goes To …

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The Oscars aren’t happening until March 7th of 2010, but as of today, the hosts have been confirmed.

Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin will co-host the 82nd Academy Awards.  Martin has done this gig twice before and Baldwin is a hosting virgin.  When asked about the pairing, Martin replied “I am happy to co-host the Oscars with my enemy Alec Baldwin,” and Baldwin stated “I don’t play the banjo, but I’m thrilled to be hosting the Oscars – it’s the opportunity of a lifetime.”

I’m not sure how this match will be, but if it helps me make it all the way through the four-hour (plus!) broadcast, I’m all for it.