My darling D.,

I’m sorry we got into a (minor) spat, honey. You said that I was “short” and “abrupt” on the phone last night, and you were probably right. I had a case of the Grumps, particularly because I had cut my leg on the refrigerator (?!) and skinned my hand on a bottle of water (?!?!!).

But I was also annoyed because I forgot the 2011 Emmy Awards were on Sunday, watched Tamara Drewe and a couple episodes of “Lingo” instead, and then discovered that I had missed a live performance of Michael Bolton singing “Jack Sparrow” with the Lonely Island.

I was so mad at myself. And worse, “Jack Sparrow” is your favorite song! I know that it is, because there was that one time, a month or two ago, when you were talking smack about Michael Bolton, and I said “Don’t you ever talk about Michael Bolton like that,” and then I said, “Watch this video of Michael Bolton, please,” and ever since, you have watched the “Jack Sparrow” SNL Digital Short a couple times a day. (It’s very annoying, the way you do that.)

But I want to make it all up to you, D. So: the medley of all your favorite Lonely Island songs is embedded below!

The boys need a backing vocal track, maybe, but their stage performance is basically one big magic trick. Bolton, the victim of a (spectacular) quick-change, is barely wearing his mustache for the first third. Also: Maya Rudolph channels Lady Gaga, John Stamos is very convincingly disguised as Andy Samberg, The Hangover‘s Ed Helms is unrecognizable in his Timberlake wig, Akon performs the hook to “I Just Had Sex,” and national treasure William H. Macy is in on the joke. Bless your little heart, Macy.

But most importantly, Michael Bolton.

If the video suddenly vanishes from YouTube—these things do happen!—you can also watch the medley here.

Image gallery via the Daily Mail:

You know, like I asked you to?

If you didn’t, you missed some magic.  In a totally unexpected move, The Last Unicorn was not mentioned, but The Lonely Island premiered a new video, which I think is better.  ”I Just Had Sex” is totally the new “I’m On a Boat.”  Switch out T-Pain for Akon, throw in Blake Lively and Jessica Alba as pure bonuses, and we have some magic here.

“It just comes with the territory. That, in particular, is not even worth wasting the breath to comment on. I’ve been around for over a decade and I think my work speaks for myself.”

Christina Aguilera addresses the constant whispers that she’s trying to emulate Lady Gaga in music and appearance.

Akon recently states that there’s nothing new about the singer’s attempt to copy Gaga’s music and names her upcoming album, Bionic a “junior” attempt at trying to be like the Lady herself.

When Akon brought his copycat accusations to the table earlier this month, Christina retorted by saying she wasn’t going to … retort:

“It just comes with the territory. That, in particular, is not even worth wasting the breath to comment on. I’ve been around for over a decade and I think my work speaks for itself … I probably would have engaged, and been a little upset. It’s not even worth the time anymore, there’s a bigger picture out there. There’s too much good to be pent up with someone else’s negativity.”

So what do you guys think? Is she a little, let’s say, “similar” to Gaga with her latest album or has Aguilera just been ’round long enough to know that even when cut-throat innovation fades, talent and reinvention rule?

Yeah, I just make the headlines like that to get all the pedophile traffic in. Oh, pedo traffic, rain down on me. Let’s work together to turn all your disgusting, freakish Google searches into money for me.

Seriously, though, I’m not especially up in arms about this video of 9-year-old Noah Cyrus singing “Smack That” backstage at one of big sis Miley’s concerts while dancing with a level of sexuality echoed by every fucking pre-teen dance troupe in the country. Like, really, I used to live next door to this four-year-old boy who knew all the lyrics to “Californication” and ran around singing and dancing dirty to it all day long and no one was all like “GASP! THAT CHILD IS A WHORE!” We were just like, “Dude, that’s a cute kid. Who is probably gay.”

Kids today know the lyrics to “Smack That,” because, ya know, it was on the radio forevah. And nine-year-old girls have been doing dance moves like that since their 22-year-old dance teachers have been training them to. And by that I mean since the ’80s. It’s not like she’s peeing on R. Kelly. Ease up, peeps.

Singer Akon has announced that he will renounce his U.S. Citizenship and move back to Africa if John McCain is elected.  I can’t believe about about to say this but…

Please.  Everyone.  Go vote for The Maverick.  Only so that this abusive asshat can get his one-way plane ticket home.

If he [Obama] doesn’t get into office, I’m gonna change my citizenship,” he said. “I’m moving back to Africa. You can hold me to that. I’m afraid to live there if he [McCain] is President. The decisions he makes scare me: he’s making selfish decisions, he’s doing whatever it takes to get into office.”

It’s easy to make such asshole proclamations when Obama is the front-runner.  It would be like Tara Reid holding a press conference and saying “If McCain wins, I’m totally getting on the wagon and throwin’ my ass into rehab and swearin’ off of stomach lipo.”

Oh look, guys! It’s Akon, punching some chick in the face at one of his concerts. This young man is so lovely.

Maybe it’s time for the “Smack That” singer to do himself a Prodigy cover.

What’s the verdict, kids? Does Whitney still have it?

This whole thing kind of falls flat for me, honestly. The song itself is boring, and Akon’s totally out-singing her. Whitney just doesn’t have the pipes like she used to. And I guess that can be blamed on another kind of pipes. Sadness.

(BTW, the video is just a montage, it’s not for this specific song.)