Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Adrien Brody

Did You Guys See the Adrien Brody-Stella Artois Commercial Last Night?

If you’re the type of person who only watches the Super Bowl for its pricey, over-the-top commercials, then you probably caught this amazing commercial, featuring my dream man stumping for an equally-amazing beer to boot.

If you were a Steelers fan too busy chewing your nails ’cause of the BEAT DOWN that the Packers were handing out last night, then you might have missed this hot-assed gem of a commercial.

No joke, though, guys – as soon as I saw that very definitive silhouette slouched in the darkened entryway of the pub, I knew it was him. I KNEW. I spent the proceeding two minutes mouth agape, drooling, and in ecstasy, and before I knew it, it was over.

That, my friends?  Is precisely how I envision (a lot) of sex with Adrien.

Oh Adrien Brody. You are so hot and delectable and I would just eat you off a fucking spoon. Is there anything you can’t do?

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If Jennifer Aniston is Dating Adrien Brody Like It’s Being Rumored, I’m Going to Have to End Her Career

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I haven’t thought of just how yet, but this bitch will be done.  Ruination by cheap, imitation flat iron or even an embarrassing eHarmony exposé.  Something.  Something, we’ll see.  It’s on.

I know that I kind of explode a little bit when I find out that my very own Brody is rumored to be dating anyone, but for him to be dating my Hollywood nemesis, the object of all my celebrity-related snarky mocking? It’s not the type of news that I wanted to wake up to – in fact, this makes for a really fucking bad Tuesday morning.

According to Showbiz Spy, Brody and Aniston were caught getting cozy with one another – probably at a launch of another stupid, sparkly Jennifer Aniston-themed perfume that fucking no one’s gonna wear, because who the hell wants to smell like desperation and salty unshed tears anyway? – but that’s aside from the point:

“Jen and Adrien were flirting with each other outrageously — you could totally tell that they’re an item. At one point, Adrien was leading Jen away in hand. She was rubbing her hands down his back and gazing into his eyes like she was totally smitten. Jen is definitely very taken by Adrien, who has been a close acquaintance of hers for a long time. He’s a charming, intelligent guy who has no pretensions about him whatsoever, so Jen always feels at ease in his company. And besides the fact he isn’t insecure about her success, she loves the dangerous, edgy side to him. He exudes this rugged sex appeal that Jen gravitates towards. But she needs to be careful.”

First of all, Jen gives that ‘smitten’ look to any male that makes eye contact with her.  I heard her mailman had to be reassigned to a different route because she creeped him out so bad.  And that was a mailman.  Come on, Adrien! Like, it’s actually pretty simple. If you’re not going to cave, meet my incessant demands and contacts to your agent to start sharing my bed (even for a few minutes, I promise thatsallineed) stat, then at least pick a cool chick to bone. Because Jennifer Aniston, man. That’s just embarrassing for you, and frankly, I don’t know how much more disappointment I can take today.

The “Amazing Adrien,” Indeed

Oh, Adrien Brody, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Apparently, my boyfriend has so much all-encompassing ambition that he’s got a back-up plan in case Hollywood ever gives him the big steel boot: performing as a magician, The Amazing Adrien, at children’s birthday parties.

According to a recent interview, Brody states:

“I was the Amazing Adrien. I would do younger children’s birthday parties. The one trick I could do almost anywhere was to break a pencil with a dollar. It was destructive, and also cool. Magic was my first foray into acting. There’s improvisation and you have to reel people in — it’s a good stepping stone and handy to have as a back-up!”

What’s amazing and magical is the way this total stranger has me so besotted. I hope your acting career heads south, Adrien, and then you can head south and do magic tricks at my party. I promise there’ll be a lot of ego-stroking by way of referring to you as the “Amazing Adrien,” and we’ll see if there’s any tricks that involve things disappearing into a box. That one’s my favorite.

Love It Or Leave It: Brad Pitt’s Baby Face

Remember when Brad Pitt starred in Legends of the Fall? God, that was a great movie. Definitely one of my all-time favorites. He was so stinking hot, with his sun-kissed skin, his bleached-out hair, and his flashing blue eyes. I was totally, totally in love. I even had the movie posters in my bedroom, back when it was appropriate to still hang posters in my bedroom. I think if I hung huge photos in my bedroom these days, I might get some pretty strange looks, but I wouldn’t care. I’d have a life-sized cut out of Adrien Brody, like, stapled to my ceiling, and we’d have long, in-depth conversations every night.  You know, if I were eleven again.

Anyway. It’s apparent that Angelina has, indeed, sucked up the majority of Pitt’s lifeblood, because yes, while he looks much better without the pube farm he had growing on his face for awhile, he still doesn’t look amazing. And I’m not saying that because he’s gotten older — he just doesn’t look well. Still hot, still totally bankable, but there’s something different there, and I think I know what it is: look very, very closely underneath Brad’s exposed dimple … I think I see vampire fang scars. Lifeblood. Angelina. Succubus.

See? I Told You This Chick Was Bad News.

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But no. No one ever heeds my advice. And look what happens. The hottest man in the world ends up shagging a woman who wrecks a bunch of cars and walks away (literally), shrugging her shoulders.

Yep, January Jones, star of Mad Men and alleged girl-thing of my main squeeze, Adrien Brody, was involved in four-car smashup earlier last night. The LAPD stated that Jones hit three cars with her own Range Rover, causing substantial damages. After a witness called the accident in, Jones was reported to take off on foot, claiming that she couldn’t stick around for this kind of madness (no pun intended). Jones later returned to the scene and told police officers that she’d taken off because the paparazzi had been hounding her. Likely.

Currently, there are no factors of drugs or alcohol to consider, but one never really knows, do they?

See, Adrien? I’m not gonna say ‘I told you so,’ but, damn, boyfriend. I told you so.

Changed your mind yet, have you?

Adrien Brody is Dating This Homely Hag?

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Dear Adrien Brody:

I love you. I’ve loved you since I first saw you in The Pianist. When you looked out from your Nazi-ravaged apartment and directly into the camera, we had a moment. I’d swear on all that’s holy that we did. I write this letter to you with a heavy heart and a burning pit that resides in the depths of my stomach, for I fear that I’m going unnoticed by you as of late.

And now.  Now I hear rumors that you’re dating January Jones and I have to ask: what’s the appeal? Why not me, Adrien? Oh, the things that I would do to you (and for you!) had I the chance. I could take you around the block and show you the world all in one jaunt more than a few times. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, I’m your girl; I’m married. What type of woman knows how to force a make a relationship last other than one who’s married? If it’s a quick sexual fling that you’re into, I campaign to be your first choice. I could show you things that I’m willing to bet you’ve never seen (uh, guaranteed) before.

But January Jones, man. January Jones. She’s the chick that was supposed to be banging Jeremy “Cause of Death: Undercooked Fish” Piven. And she was hooking up with Ashton Kutcher at one point and he was known for screwing some pretty smarmy, easy chicks. She even dated crazy-eyed Josh Groban. Yeah, she’s probably appealing in that she’s “eclectic” sort of way ’cause she likes a strange blend of dudes that’d rival mixing espresso and lime juice or whatever, but count me unimpressed.

Anyway, I implore you to lay off the skinny, horse-faced blonde. She’s not for you, Adrien, and I’m not saying this because I fervently want to solicit your penis and eventually, your burning, mutually-undying love; I’m saying this because I want you to be happy in a way that only I know how to induce.  Not that skinny, horse-faced January Jones.

I wish you luck, Adrien, but no other woman could love you like I would.

Total sadface,
Sarah

PS -
I’m totally going to see Predators, even though I’m sure it’s going to suck. Doesn’t that gesture itself speak volumes?

Who’s Hotter: Jason Schwartzman or Adrien Brody

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The two of them showed up in Beverly Hills last week to do a press conference for their upcoming Wes Anderson film, The Darjeeling Limited, which also stars Owen Wilson (but you can’t vote for him) and Natalie Portman (who is clearly hotter than any of these people).

So I’m looking through these pictures trying to decide which of them I should focus this post on. “Who’s hotter?” I asked myself. “Jason Schwartzman or Adrien Brody?” And what I decided is that I’m not sure. So I’m putting it to you guys. Let me know.

Who's hotter?
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