And where were you? ‘Cause if you weren’t there, then you weren’t really anywhere, now, were you.

Three of VS’s hottest, Adriana Lima, Lily Aldridge, and Candice Swanepoel, were photographed yesterday promoting the brand and mugging the hell out of the cameras for everyone in sight. Oh, and they were also promoting the release of the new VS fragrance, Bombshell. But I’m sure no one noticed that a bit.

Ah, to be a Victoria’s Secret model.

Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima and her husband, pro basketball player Marko Jaric are the proud parents of a baby girl named Valentina Lima Jaric.

The notoriously virginal until married model gave birth on Sunday, which is nine months and one day after her Valentine’s Day wedding.  No word on the baby’s stats such has length or weight, but rumor has it that Adriana should be weighing in at her normal 101.2 lbs. by the first of the month.

Congrats to the happy couple on their new family addition!

Adriana Lima used to be my “one.” And I don’t mean “one” in the sense Jack Donaghy meant it on that episode of 30 Rock a few weeks ago. I mean the “one” as in the answer to the question straight people like to ask each other when the party is winding down, they’ve had too much to drink to be able to go to sleep right away, and there is nothing but 1970′s reruns of Soul Train on TV. That is, “Who would you swap teams for?”

For one friend, the answer to that question (his “one”) was David Bowie– which is questionable because David Bowie is not really on anyone’s team, except maybe Iggy Pop’s.

But my “one” was Adriana Lima. I’ve been getting the Victoria’s Secret catalog since I was 17 years old and have always been intrigued by the sultry brunette with the pouty lips.

Lately however, every time I’ve seen her she’s been less and less attractive. It’s not as if she looks terrible. It’s just that she doesn’t look nearly as sexy as she used to. I can’t quite put my finger on it.  She just always looks disheveled. It’s as if there is just something– her hair, her makeup, her posture– that is a little off each time, like a functioning alcoholic struggling to keep her appearance up.

What you see above is what was left of her when she attended the launch of Victoria’s Secret’s new Noir collection this Saturday in New York. In the gallery, you can also see a hilarious picture of her trying to look sexy with a very unhappy pussy.

I’m going to have to find a new “one.”

Victoria’s Secret model, Adriana Lima, eloped with Minnesota Timberwolves point guard, Marko Jaric.  The two quietly got hitched in Jackson Hole, Wyoming on February 14th, but just announced their union yesterday.

Lima gushed, “We are so excited about our future together.  And we are really looking forward to a big romantic wedding this summer with all of our friends and family.”   Why didn’t they just wait until this summer to get married in the first place?  You know it wasn’t because of some unplanned pregnancy.  Adriana, a 27 year-old devout Catholic, has always vowed to remain a virgin until marriage.

May the couple experience many years of joy, happiness and fucking.

Gentlemen (and ladies, I suppose), it’s time to put those Adriana Lima fantasies to rest.

The supermodel got engaged to her basketball star boyfriend, Marko Jaric, on Thursday night — Adriana’s birthday — says Jaric’s publicist.

“He asked and she said yes. They are both incredibly happy and couldn’t be more in love,” says publicist James Weir.

Damn. They got that statement out, like, seconds after the actual engagement happened. Impressive, kids.

Sure, she has a killer body, but look at that face!

Not hot.

Here’s Adriana being not-hot at some press conference at some fashion thing in Mexico City.

Now I’ll be quiet and you all can remind me of just how jealous I am.