Oh, Betty. Words simply cannot express what you mean to me. But on this day, January 17th, 2012, you turn 90, so I feel like I’m obligated to try.

The first memory that I have of you is, of course, as Rose on Golden Girls, and what a magnificent memory it is. My older sister sometimes watched this wonderful block of programming on Lifetime that consisted of alternating between episodes of Golden Girls and Designing Women, and I always used to sneak in and watch them with her. I didn’t understand a lot of what was going on, as five-year-olds aren’t typically extremely aware of menopause jokes, but I knew that, without a doubt, you were always my favorite. Ok, ok, there was a time when it was Dixie Carter, but I always came back to you, Betty, I swear!

One time the social worker came to our house to see how my brother was doing after his latest stay at the juvenile hall, and it was one of the days that I decided that instead of reading books to my stuffed animals or taking my dolls for a wagon ride through the backyard, I wanted to sit four inches away from the television and watch some Golden Girls. My mom tried to get me to go somewhere else, but I was a sassy five-year-old, and I wanted what I wanted. The social worker asked if Golden Girls was appropriate programming for such young children, and my mom got flustered, and then I didn’t get to watch Golden Girls anymore. Though I did still sneak out of my bedroom at night and peek through my sister’s door when she and my brother were watching Nightmare on Elm Street, so who’s the real winner here, social worker?

But this isn’t about the nightmares that I got when I fell asleep in the hallway watching scary movies through cracks in doors. This is about you, Betty. This is about you and all you’ve done in your 90 years on this earth …

What’s your favorite Betty White moment?

You’ve heard the song! You’ve seen the photos! Now watch the music video!

Here’s Betty White, this time in delicious .flv form, in an epic diva-off with English pop star Luciana.

Last time I covered Betty’s version of Luciana’s “I’m Still Hot,” it didn’t occur to me to listen to the lyrics too carefully. Shame on me! The video is for Lifeline, a program that allows you to sell your life insurance policy off in exchange for beaucoup bucks (it’s something only the terminally ill used to be able to do). Wow! And if this video is to be trusted, you can frivol your insurance away on a mountain of pectorally undulating Rocky Horrors and, also, on that velour tracksuit you’ve always wanted. Of course!

Disturbing message aside, this video is really kind of cute.

Oh, Betty White. I get the shtick. You’re nearly 90 years old, but you’re still spry, and you always have that mean twinkle in your eye. We all titter anytime you say something lewd in that tinkling, silvery voice of yours.

But actions speak louder than words, madam, and you’ve demonstrated over and over again that you’re “still hot.” We know you are! There’s no need to reassure us!

I guess I just don’t see the benefit in cutting a dance track emphasizing how “hot” Betty White still is. I realize that Ms. White will dutifully promote the ish out of herself, by any means necessary, and making a cameo in Luciana’s dance hit “I’m Still Hot” is one way to widen her appeal.

But “rapping grandma” has been done before, and it’s almost always agist and uncomfortable. I don’t know—something about tricking an old woman into rapping seems exploitive. Is it just me? Have I finally lost my sense of humor? Maybe I can go borrow a new sense of humor from Betty.

Shooting the music video with singer Luciana:

To quickly recapitulate: a Marine asked Mila Kunis to the annual Marine Corps Ball. She accepted. So a Lady Marine asked Justin Timberlake to a different Marine Corps Ball. With bells on! he said. Then, another Marine asked Betty White to the ball. DENIED. Denied by Betty White!

And actress Linda Hamilton will not stand for it. At least, I think this is really Linda Hamilton? It sure sounds like her. Radar and Movieline both seem to think this is really Linda Hamilton. Yes, this is probably really Linda Hamilton.

So here is Linda Hamilton, begging Sgt. Ray Lewis to take her to the Ball, and I mean begging. And—you’ll like this part—she opens her plea with a clip from her Terminator 2 days, showing Sarah Connor doing chin-ups. (Sgt. Lewis introduced his Betty White video proposal with chin-ups as well, see.)

Will the sergeant accept Linda Hamilton’s proposition? “You are amazing,” he tweeted, presumably to Ms. Hamilton, but he didn’t outright accept or decline. Maybe he’s holding out for a date with an even higher-profile celebrity: “dude I have gotten dozens of offers over the last couple hrs!” he reported cryptically.

I have some depressing news. I don’t even know what to say, you guys. This is really difficult for me.

Betty White will not be attending the annual Marine Corps Ball.

I KNOW. I thought for sure Sgt. Ray Lewis had a lock on this, because his YouTube proposal was darling. But Ms. White has other commitments.

Still, her rejection letter was a class act. From Access Hollywood:

“I am deeply flattered and truly appreciate the invitation, as everyone knows I love a man in uniform… but unfortunately I cannot accept, as I will be taping an episode of Hot In Cleveland,” White said in a statement to Access Hollywood.

She signed her statement, “Love, Betty White.”

Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, however, will still accompany their respective dates to their respective balls as planned.

“Marines have a lot of balls,” Kunis said.

While Justin added, “We want to pay honor to our country and embrace their balls.”

In the meantime, Sgt. Lewis is disappointed but unruffled: “Fifteen minutes was great!” he tweeted.

Next, Kelsey De Santis asked Timberlake to be her date, and he totally accepted. Well played, Corporal De Santis.

But now, not one to be outdone, Sgt. Ray Lewis is asking Betty White to accompany him to the same dance.

“She’s funny, she’s sweet, she’s mature,” the Marine sergeant says in his video, a long-stemmed rose in hand. “She’s the all-around perfect woman.”

Sgt. Lewis pleads a pretty good case, too: the young veteran did tours of both Afghanistan and Iraq and, according to a recent tweet, he plans to serenade Ms. White with a song next.

Internet! Let’s make this happen!

Let me tell you, there’s nothing I enjoy like a good old-fashioned feud. Ain’t nothin’ better to get that blood pumpin’. And a feud between Lindsay Lohan and Betty White?  Forget it.

So here’s what happened.  It all started when Betty told The Daily Mail the following:

“They party too much, don’t learn their lines, are unprofessional and they grumble about everything. I think they are terribly ungrateful. I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in show business, and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, for example, although there are plenty of others, too. They are the most blessed people in the world and they don’t appreciate it.”

Once again, Betty White told it like it is. Charlie hasn’t responded because he’s probably still too busy being completely out of his mind, but apparently Lindsay’s come down long enough to get her feelings hurt by Betty’s statement, and here’s what she had to say:

“Wow. I’ve always been a fan of hers. It’s just a bit strange when people feel they must speak publicly about others. Especially a grown woman.”

Lindsay, girl, you know Betty’s right on this one.  Maybe instead of making statements like this, you can prove her wrong by, you know, giving a damn.  I know it’s a little late in the game at this point, but we all know you’ve got it in you.

I dunno about you guys, but I can barely watch sitcoms on TV today. They’ve either been on so long that they’re mad tired-feeling or they just generally blow. Last night I caught a preview for ABC’s new sitcom Happy Endings (starring Elisha Cuthbert, SNL‘s Casey Wilson and Damon Wayans Jr.) and yo! I might actually watch this shit! The preview made me laugh out loud at least twice (“white girl on vacation” braids are something I’m really into,) and the cast seems great. I’m getting almost a “modern version of Friends” vibe here.

Could this show be the next big thing? Are there any other mid-season shows coming out that you’re looking forward to seeing? What about shows you’re just totally done with? Let’s talk TV!

ABC has this new show that they’re filming called Obese, and it follows eight severely overweight people as they try to lose a significant portion of weight from home. Only problem with taking eight really super fat people and telling them to shed pounds for money? They’re desperate, obviously. Desperate to lose the weight and desperate for the cash. Don’t we live in a fun world?

Apparently one of the eight contestants, 25-year old LaRhonda Darby, was rushed to the hospital in Oklahoma City this weekend due to severe dehydration. LaRhonda was taking water pills, you guys. Water pills aren’t a joke. I took them for two weeks a couple years ago and I’d wake up every morning feeling like my body was made out of bones and dry seaweed. Not cute.

I dunno, I’m pretty tired of seeing these kinds of shows. I just think that they’re more disrespectful than they are inspirational, and if these people are motivated by money and prizes and not their health, I doubt that whatever weight they loose will stay off for good. It seems like they’re almost mocking people who are essentially handicapped.

“I don’t care who anybody sleeps with. If a couple has been together all that time—and there are gay relationships that are more solid than some heterosexual ones—I think it’s fine if they want to get married. I don’t know how people can get so anti-something. Mind your own business, take care of your affairs, and don’t worry about other people so much.”

- Betty White tells Parade what’s up.

This woman is still God, right?  Like everything she says is still gospel?  Somebody fly Betty to the White House quick so that she can tell Congress about how neat being on Golden Girls was and cool equality would be.

Oh, look. Betty White did another thing we can all laugh at. Man, woman, child. We all enjoy Betty White. Yup! Can’t hate on the Betty White-loving masses for overexposing her in the years leading up to her death. Seems logical to me.

Anyway, this promotional video for You Again is pretty funny. Betty White, Sigourney Weaver, Kristen Bell and some other chick all take turns bitching each other out, demonstrating how impossible things are when you put multiple women with strong personalities in the same room. Women! Can’t control those tides!