“I wasn’t like ‘Oh, I’m going to marry 50 Cent…’ I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He’s very sweet and antithetical to what you’d think of him.”

- Chelsea Handler on who I like to think is her one true love, 50 Cent.

Did anyone else’s heart break a little bit after reading that? It’s like, damn, Chelsea, 50 Cent is a person too. He has feelings. Don’t be so harsh. I mean, seriously.

Do you remember when Chelsea and 50 started hooking up? It kind of blew everyone’s mind, but then it was sort of easy to see why these two would be good together. They’re both just so obnoxious, right? These two crazy, loud, offensive people found each other in this big wide world, and that was beautiful and inspiring. And obnoxious.

Even though 50 Cent didn’t really say the sweetest things about Chelsea (remember that time that he was all “yeah, she’s cool to talk to, but you probably wouldn’t look at her and want to bang her,” wasn’t that charming?), I think he really did love her. I think that he thought she was The One, the girl of his dreams, the apple of his eye. He thought he would settle down with her in a nice little cottage in the country, and they would get wasted together for the rest of their days.

But Chelsea wasn’t having it. She broke things off for whatever reason, and that was that. But somehow, over a year after the fact, she’s still saying hurtful things to poor 50. My opinion of Chelsea was never that high (to be fair, it was pretty much nonexistent), but now, Chelsea, you have gone too far.

But yeah, wasn’t this a crazy couple? I kind of wish they had gotten married, you know? It’d be a hell of a wedding.

On his Twitter page, as you can see above, 50 claims that his music career is more or less over, and that if he were to die soon, he’d be OK with that. Me, I’m here to say “It’s alright, 50. Just because everybody hates ‘In Da Club’ and ‘P.I.M.P’ doesn’t mean you have to go away and die.” Do some movies, check out a reality show or two; there’s other ways of getting famous without having to drop over dead. You’re all about seeing Lindsay Lohan’s genitals – why not try hooking up with her? I’m sure she’s got some open legs options for you, and if it doesn’t make you more famous, it’ll at least add some variety to your life. You could go and get shots every week for the rest of your life, and what’s more dramatic and attention-grabbing than contracting a hot, throbbing chronic illness from an authentic source of organic germ warfare?

But who knows. I mean, of course, I could be wrong. Maybe he is suicidal. Maybe this is his cry for help. Maybe he didn’t get enough tattoos removed. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t actually love vagina anymore. I mean, he was all about telling dudes via Twitter a year or so ago that if they didn’t love vagina, they should probably kill themselves, and Rufus Wainwright already thinks he’s gay anyway. Did Fitty come to some sort of epiphany while he’s been counting nickels for Newports? Maybe it’s just that he just can’t get oral sex like he used to and he’s bitter and seeking the sympathy suck from a few randoms. I don’t know. All I do know is that this is one seriously disturbed dude, and if he’s actually got a management team left, they really need to pull his Twitter account ASAP before he looks even stupider than he does already, because seriously – all of this Twitter drama over the past year or more? Come on. How embarrassing.

I don’t know, Curtis, but if you’re looking to be the topic of conversation everywhere just one more time, maybe you should date another seedy blonde like Chelsea Handler. Seems like you got a lot of mileage out of that one, huh, boy?

In Playboy, you guys. 50 Cent is really sad that he didn’t get to see Lindsay Lohan‘s genitals in Playboy. He never really specified that last part, but since Lindsay’s Playboy spread is pretty much the only place her vagina hasn’t been, I’m going to go ahead and fill that in for him.

Here’s 50 wondering about “Lindsay’s cooch”:

“I haven’t seen it. But I always wondered what Lindsay’s cooch looked like. Ever thought about it? I’ll check it out and see what happens.”

And here’s 50 theorizing on whether or not Lindsay is a stripper now:

“$1 million to pose nude is the same thing strippers do almost every day for way less. If they give you a million dollars, does that change the status of what you’ve done? If I pay a 100 dollars to see a cooch is it the same thing as paying a million dollars when you’re a movie star or celebrity? The same transaction? Or is it socially different? Does it register different because of how much?”

You know, 50 Cent, I can’t really answer that, and at this point, I’m not sure if it’s because I need to consider it more or if it’s because your continued use of the word “cooch” grosses me out.

What do you guys think? Do you want to hear more of 50′s philosophical thoughts? Is Lindsay’s Playboy extravaganza just high dollar stripping? Does the word “cooch” make you feel uncomfortable too?

Everyone knows that Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent had some sort of something going on not that long ago, but the talk show host has finally confirmed that they were seeing each other “very casually” (you know what that means) at one point.

In an interview with Piers Morgan on Tuesday night, Chelsea said that she and 50 were dating and that he was the exact opposite of what you’d imagine him to be. She also added that while she enjoyed their time, she wasn’t so fond of his tendency to surprise her with gifts. She said, “I don’t really like when men buy me ridiculous gifts, especially when I don’t know them well. I can buy my own gifts. I really don’t like gifts from rappers in general, since I’m not a hooker.”

Only rappers employ hookers, huh, Chelsea? Oh, I see how it is.

So there you have it. For all of those who’ve been losing sleep at night over this, you can rest easy knowing that the two were definitely fucking at one point and that Chelsea ain’t no gift-accepting hooker.

“Chelsea [Handler] is confident. I think confidence is the sexiest thing about a person. She’s the kind of person that if you’re blessed with the opportunity to hang out with her, you’ll enjoy it. I’m not sure you’ll look at her and actually want to jump over the table and fuck her, but you might. You would leave after talking with her feeling that she is a cool person.”

… So, what you’re saying, CURTIS, is that you banged her for her sparkling personality and not her looks? Because I’m not quite sure how to take that otherwise, but hey … ‘you might.’

Way harsh, Fitty friend. Way harsh.

Eminem – Syllables feat. Jay-Z, Dr. Dre & 50 Cent by ChasinDatPaper

The new track features Dr. Dre (hello wicked awesome high school memories), 50 Cent – who I have kind of deplored since ‘In Da Club’ and ‘P.I.M.P.’ – and Jay-Z, king of modern rap as we know it.

A lot of critics claimed that the track appeal itself might be overshadowed by so much big-name talent, but me? I think, though there are many, many nuances of this song, that it’s classic Em and I’m content to love it just for that fact – also, I’d still totally have a zillion of Eminem’s babies.  I’m sure that has something to do with it, too.

Chelsea Handler posted this photo of her smooching her rumored man 50 Cent’s cheek in bed with the caption, “I don’t know why anyone thinks I would ever date a rapper.”

I think the two make a pretty good pair in that I can barely stand either of them for the exact same reasons.

Caption your brains out in the comments, kids…

“I was trying not to get photographed next to her in a bathing suit, for obvious reasons. So I did a lot of stuff on my own. I can’t bring 50 Cent with me, ’cause he’s not a strong swimmer. … I call him Curtis when we’re having sex. … [But] he does have a real name. His name is Curtis. Curtis…I don’t know, I should find out.”

The ever-amusing Chelsea Handler speaks to Jay Leno regarding her recent Thanksgiving day jaunt to Mexico with pal Jennifer Aniston and also addresses the ever-continuous rumors that her fine old ass is being walloped by 50 Cent on the regular.

Ah, the ways of the world never cease to amaze me. If I could have chosen two other people that were allegedly hooking up that surprised me just as much, I’d say like, Jake Gyllenhaal and Lindsay Lohan or something.  Mel Gibson and Heidi Montag.  Totally. Did not. Expect.

But alright.

According to sources, Fitty and Chelsea were spotted acting quite cozy with one another over the weekend in my city, New Orleans, at one of my favorite jazz clubs (Blue Nile, baby), and it’s been unofficially officiated that the two are, in fact, dating:

“It’s been going on [for] awhile. It’s more of a hookup thing — whenever they are in the same town.”

A rep for 50 Cent declined to comment, while Handler’s peeps stated, “She saves all her comments for her own show.”

So, yeah. A bit vague, but it’s Apparently On, though a part of me still wonders if we can expect anything serious from Chelsea Handler, including letting us in on the reality of her dating life.

The above Tweet was posted by 50 Cent to his prolific Twitter account the other night and now the rapper is making statements about how the remark was in no way intended to be anti-gay.

Here’s his apology, as he posted it on his Twitter page:

It pains me to admit that I even understand his ignorant-ass point, but I can totally see how a person who’s used to speaking like this would not understand that his remarks would be perceived as homophobic. It’s also clear that 50 doesn’t realize that his constant talk about getting blow jobs comes off as generally ignorant and so it seems safe to assume that he’s probably a gay-bashing, head-receiving moron. And he probably doesn’t realize that we can’t forget that the ever-homophobic Eminem was the man to discover 50 and put his name on the map.

The problem here is partially 50 Cent, sure. But also, like… What do we expect from this dude? Mental clarity? Fairness? Reason? We made this dude a star when he was talking like this to a beat, so why are we acting so offended now?

If you think you’re going to get that out of a dude who thinks “LOL” is a magic eraser and who regularly Tweets about his penis being in someone’s mouth, yeah… like, maybe you should kill yourself.

Did anyone catch Fitty’s odd-assed Tweet from yesterday, apparently about blowjobs? Because I did. And for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what he was really saying, where he was going with it, or if he was even sober at the time of said Tweet.  I mean, does one really refer to girls that they want to fuck as ‘bitches’ these days?  Isn’t that, like, sooo 1994 or whatever?

A lot of people think that 50 is taking it to the streets (of Twitter) in search of a lady love, Some people think he’s looking for a girlfriend. Me? I think he’s just losing it.  Because if he really thinks that a popsicle is really a perk of fellatio for a ‘bitch,’ he’s kinda mistaken.  But maybe that’s just me.

No, ladies and gentlemen, your eyes are not deceiving you. This is not a photo of Dave Chappelle under age-progression photography. It’s a photo of “serious actor,” 50 Cent, who will probably want to drop that whole numbered-name thing if his acting career does go off and go by his real name: Curtis Jackson. File that away in the old memory banks, because he’s aiming to become a big-time A-list actor.

And you know what? I’ve made fun of him in the past, because I’m just not a big rap fan, for one, and his on-stage persona kind of obnoxious-ed me out (I did see him perform once, accidentally; I was drunk and wandering), but I think that he might have a serious shot at doing this damned thing. For his upcoming role in Things Fall Apart, he plays a cancer-stricken football player and not only is he starring in it and giving the role some pretty serious thought, he wrote the screenplay, too.

So are you going to give 50 Curtis his chance at stardom? Think he can take off the gun-toting, angry visage of gangster-thug rapdom and pull on a sleek, New York-sex-in-the-afternoon role of super movie star-dom only to join the ranks of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Tom Hanks?