Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Michelle Williams Should Probably Punch Lindsay Lohan in Lindsay Lohan’s Stupid Face Right About Now

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So, to preface all of this f-ckery, can I just remind you about how Lindsay Lohan always tried to make it seem like she was Heath Ledger’s one true love, and how she was just so genuinely devastated when he passed, which was five years ago yesterday? Because she did, even up until this past December, because that’s Lindsay: she can’t leave well enough alone, and whenever anyone’s getting any kind of publicity (even when they’re dead), she’s got to go ahead and insert herself in any way she can.

Sigh. Cue Lindsay. As I said, yesterday was the five-year anniversary of Heath Ledger’s death, and in memorial, Lindsay posted this on her Twitter page:

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First of all, if you were confused (like me), “Matty” is actually Heath and Michelle Williams’ daughter, Matilda, lovingly known as “Mattie,” and as far as I’m aware, it was Michelle who carried and birthed Matilda, and not Lindsay. OK? Do you see where I’m going with this? Because now you can see what Lindsay did here—this is a dick move. … No, this is actually a c-nt move, and as much as I hate that word, I’m willing to admit that it’s the word I whisper most forcefully when I’m really, really pissed off, and I feel like Lindsay Lohan and her unbelievable self-absorption justifies that anger.

Can I just go ahead and call Lindsay Lohan a scumbag? Can I? Because when my back’s against the wall and I have no more verbal ammunition, “scumbag” is the first thing that comes to mind, guys. And Lindsay Lohan is the epitome of “scumbag.”

Leonardo DiCaprio Quits Acting, Too

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From Page Six:

This could be Leonardo DiCaprio’s last awards season for a while. The actor has announced he’s retiring from acting indefinitely. “I’m a little bit drained,” he told German newspaper Bild. “I am now going to take a long long break.”

After doing three films in two years – Django Unchained, The Great Gatsby and the recently-finished The Wolf of Wall Street – DiCaprio says, “I’m just worn out.”

Publicity tours for those films still loom, however, but DiCaprio, 38, has other plans for when his schedule slows down. “I would like to improve the world a bit,” he says. “I will fly around the world doing good for the environment.”

In the meantime, he’s living green at home. “My roof is covered with solar panels,” he revealed. “My car is electric. A normal person does not drive more than 50 kilometers a day. That can be done with a plug.”

I could think of a ton of other things you could do with that plug, too, Leo.

However, I guess the most appropriate question in this circumstance would be, “Can we live without Leonardo DiCaprio in cinema for at least a little while?”, to which the short answer is “Yes.” The long answer would be something like, “Why does it have to be for a little while,” or “At least until Baz Luhrmann dies, please.”

thePMlinks

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Lindsay Lohan’s new boyfriend is paying for it all. And he doesn’t know how true that statement really is. [The Superficial]

Michelle Obama’s glorious inauguration gown. [Bitten and Bound]

Highlights from said ball, if you missed it. [Starpulse]

Kate Upton does Mercedes-Benz. [Hollywood PQ]

Chunky, funky big dogs. [OMGBlog]

Adele shops for her baby. [Socialite Life]

Leonardo DiCaprio to the rescue. [Celebslam]

Jennifer Lawrence is a trendsetter. [Yeeeah]

Megan Fox is a sacrifice. [The Blemish]

Of course she’s insane. [TooFab]

Jennifer Hudson serenaded the Obamas. [The Frisky]

Tiffani Amber Thiessen—definitely kind of tacky these days. [Cele|bitchy]

Jenna Jameson tries so hard to be Miley Cyrus. [IDLYITW]

Nicole Kidman is going “indie.” [Lainey Gossip]

Prince Harry finally opens up about those naked photos. [Celebzter]

Celebrities all hate Lance Armstrong now. [Celebrity VIP Lounge]

Miranda Kerr’s perfect ass. [Moe Jackson]

Everybody’s shitting all over Kris Humphries. [Bossip]

Rihanna definitely knows how to work the tip. [Elite Daily]

‘Beautiful Creatures’ TV spots. [I Need My Fix]

Drew Barrymore has it all. [Lainey Gossip]

Wait, Britney’s allowed to drive? [The Superficial]

Ryan and Eva: Still Together, Now With Photos

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Where’s Eva, though? She in the back stuffing her face with convenience store pizza? F-ck no. No, I’ll grudgingly show you where she’s at:

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Grr. There she is. She’s waiting outside with the dog, George, who is also inseparable from Eva, like his silly, deluded owner.

Last. Those motherf-cking pants. Third time in a damn month, and while it would be OK if the pants were actually nice, they’re not. They look like something my five-year-old wears, and while they’re totally cute and adorable on her, they’re not cute or adorable on Eva. Granted, yes, I’m bitter as all get-out when it comes to pretty much anything Eva Mendes does (except for that face … she does have one gorgeous face), but those pants would be poor fashion in motion on anyone short of Betty White.

But yep. Here they are. Together. Drinking Cokes. The third Coke is for Ryan’s personal assistant (not pictured), and not George. Thought you should probably know that.

Lindsay’s Real Excited to Be With Max from The Wanted, Huh?

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What the hell is this? Is this a victory dance or something? The old “I got a man!” strut? That what this is all about? Gang signs? Nose-picking? Peek-a-boo? I don’t get it.

Thing is, I thought Max was done with Lindsay. He did, after all, say a few weeks ago that there were no “babies on the horizon.” No, he really did. In an interview with E!, Max said this about Lindsay:

She was good to party with, but there’s definitely not going to be any babies on the horizon.

And a mere week after that (and kindly note the usage of the word “had,” also), Max allegedly talked to Yahoo!, where he called Lindsay nothing more than a groupie:

What’s the right word for her? A yeah, a groupie!

But apparently, all’s fair in love and war making people less famous than you take pictures in a hotel room to make it look like you’re humping on the regular. But hey—whatever works for you, right, girl?

Don’t Worry, Brandi Glanville Has Stuff to Say About LeAnn Rimes, Too

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From Radar Online:

Brandi Glanville, appearing on Monday night’s edition of Watch What Happens Live, called LeAnn Rimes “insane” in reference to the singer’s latest tell-all interview.

Brandi implied LeAnn’s been crying wolf with her cavalcade of emotional, no-holds-barred interviews – the latest with Entertainment Tonight, in which she discussed her fears of losing husband Eddie Cibrian, and her stint in rehab for stress and anxiety.

“Everyday there’s a tell-all,” Brandi said. “It’s kind of cray-cray!”

Host Andy Cohen asked Brandi about rumors that Eddie, a modestly successful TV actor, had hooked on to LeAnn as a Sugar-Mama.

“It’s true, yeah,” Brandi said, confirming that Eddie had always wanted to live in a big house in an affluent community – two wishes the How Do I Live singer has been able to grant with her wealth.

Fellow guest star Hoda Kotb chimed in with the adage that the “way you got him is the way you’ll lose him,” a reference to how Eddie was married to Brandi at the time he hooked up with LeAnn.

Asked point blank if she though LeAnn was insane, Brandi said, “Insane? Yes I do!”

Brandi said she knows LeAnn religiously watches her antics on The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, recalling how her son Jake saw Andy on TV and said, “That’s [LeAnn's] favorite show!”

“I hope LeAnn will come on!” Andy said.

The jury remains to be seen on that: During the broadcast, LeAnn took to Twitter to (presumably) respond to Brandi, writing, “Wow the texts from my friend. KISSES and KMA,” as in, “Kiss My A**.”

First, let me say: anytime I hear someone use the non-word “cray-cray,” I want to punch a puppy in the face. Wait, no; that’s not right. Anytime I hear someone use the non-word “cray-cray,” I want to punch them in the face. That’s much, much better, and much more accurate, too.

Second? I’m very much Team Brandi (just by default, though; it’s not like I like the silly bitch or anything), but if she wants to keep her sanity-cred, then maybe—just maybe—she should also shut her mouth about LeAnn, too. It’s like, let LeAnn do LeAnn, because everyone knows that LeAnn is completely batshit crazy. Everyone knows that LeAnn’s got a bunch of screws loose up there, rattling around and damaging other parts from the constant rumble. Nuts, nuts, nuts. Talking about how nuts someone is won’t make them less nuts, you know?

And last? Can you even imagine what it’s going to be like if and when Eddie cheats on LeAnn? Oh my God, the fur is going to absolutely f-cking fly. I can’t even picture what LeAnn’s face would look like upon hearing the news, or worse, what LeAnn’s face would look like after hearing that the public heard the news. It’s just too much to bear.

I can’t wait.

Lana Del Rey Wants to Be Angelina Jolie, is a Weird, Dead Mannequin Instead

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From France’s Madam Figaro, Lana Del Rey on trying to get past her crazy augmented face and seeing that she’s a real live person:

Music was my passion, but my work with this foundation is more important. I myself had the chance to be [helped by an establishment]. Helping others now feels like it’s my turn to give something back. I want to become a sort of Angelina Jolie. Like her, I think fame is nothing in itself, but it can be put to good use – by using it to generate money for charity for example.

What foundation? You didn’t even know she was working with a foundation? Because duh, Lana Del Rey‘s working with a foundation, and with the third hand growing out of my ass, I’m Googling what foundation she’s paired with right as we speak. Her, ahem, foundation is … well, I can’t find anything anywhere, actually. It’s not really in the rest of the magazine excerpts I’ve come across, and when you Google “Lana Del Rey foundation,” all you get is a bunch of mess about how Lana Del Rey was a bunch of mess one time when she had a big foundation (makeup) snafu. We’ll let that one slide. There’s a good chance she might have been talking out her ass anyway.

Moving on, here’s Lana Del Rey on what she was like as a kid:

As a child, I felt different. I always wanted to make my life a work of art.

And last, on rehabilitation from alcohol:

When you no longer drink, it is more difficult to celebrate. In fact, when I quit drinking, I lost my life. It took my all to reinvent myself. Find the roots. It was very difficult. At the same time, I had never felt rooted in whatever I’ve done or wherever I’ve been since.

That. That right there—that’s a good, honest point that she made, and I admire her for owning up to it. It’s pretty decent of her, and hey, maybe Lindsay Lohan will even read this interview somewhere, someday. Maybe she’ll even take a page out of Lana’s book, quit drinking, and start some ubiquitous foundation that she can hide behind until the next Big Movie Role tumbles downhill. I like the sound of that, don’t you?

Lana’s overall look in this photo shoot, though, not so much. She looks dead. No, wait—she looks like a mannequin, only not a hot mannequin like Kim Catrall played in the movie Mannequin, a weird, dead mannequin. That sounds about right.

What do you guys think of Lana’s photos?