Oh guys. It’s really, really that time: my final (non-celebrity-related) post. I’m glad to say that I went out with a bang on that last John Mayer post. I mean, I guess. You know. If I could have chosen, the last celebrity-related post would have been something LeAnn Rimes/Brandi Glanville-related, but hey. It can’t always be flaccid penises and boob cutlets all the time, you know.

On that note, oh my goodness. My personal voyage with Evil Beet Gossip started off back in 2009, when I was just chomping at the bit to stop writing link exchange posts and move on to bigger things. In late 2009, I got my wish: Sasha, who is the original Evil Beet herself, had hired me as an official staff writer for Evil Beet Gossip. I thank her so, so much for taking a chance on someone like me way back then. 5,394 posts later, I leave you with this, my own personal, sentimental, and irregularly inappropriate and ill-placed advice for those to whom it might be applicable: never stop moving forward. Seriously. No matter what life throws at you—good or bad—just never stop moving forward. Go after what you want, but be so, so thankful for what you have in the meantime.

That, of course, brings me to be so, so thankful for all of you guys, because many of you are so, so wonderful. I’d like to call a few of you out, here, so be prepared:

evilbeetdouche. You were one of my very first allies on Evil Beet, and I’m eternally grateful to you. You stuck by my side when there was that weird transition where everyone and not just some people hated me, and by the way? I think I know who you really are! BOOM. ;)

Chaz! Oh Chaz. You know where I’m going, because we go way back like that, and I hope you’ll come and stir the shit in the new joint, too. Also, please, please bring guest with you. It just won’t be the same.

Mireee. Girl, you’ve been around forever. You were even around on Zelda Lily, and that’s where I really got to know you. You’re smart and kick-ass and never let anyone put you in a place where they think you belong. You’re one of my most favorite commenters because secretly, I want to be just like you.

CranAppleSnapple: I’m sorry that certain things drove you away, but I have a book from you, and I will always think of you whenever I look through it. YOUR NEW CAT IS SO CUTE and your husband is, too!

Angry Pirate. I don’t know where you’ve been, but the last time I saw you was on a Courtney Stodden post on the twentieth of the month. I still officially never got a goodbye! Boo on that business. Do come back, OK?

puddin. Could you possibly win more Caption This contests? You’re hilarious, girl. I’m going to miss sending you free crap.

I’m sure there’s probably many, many more that I’ve interacted with on a personal level, and if I left any of you out, I’m sorry—I’m going to blame it on the tears and the big, big, really big glass of Merlot that’s currently clouding my vision.

I also want to send a major, major thankyou to Emily, who has been my partner in crime and cohort at Evil Beet Gossip for longer than anyone else ever has. She’s the most amazing, most sensitive, most hardworking lady I’ve ever met, and while I’m sorry that she’s leaving Evil Beet, too, because I know how well-loved she is, I’m also super happy that she’s coming along with me and embarking on a whole different, crazy adventure that will hopefully prove successful for both of us. Emily’s a real gem, and I count myself blessed to know her.

Last, I want to thank A., who entered my life sometime around 2010 (I can’t even remember when, it seems like it’s been so long) and had faith in me even when I wasn’t sure I had it in myself (hid that one pretty well, huh?). A. has been the best boss anyone could ask for, and rest assured, friends, there’s so much going on behind the scenes at Evil Beet that’s going to just knock your socks off in the coming months, so be on the look out for it, guys.

I love you all immensely, and I will never, ever forget you, or the various parts you’ve played in one of the greatest and most rewarding experiences of my life.

On a final note, I’m going to let my homies, Boyz II Men, do the rest of my talking for me, because that’s appropriate right now, maybe:

Although we’ve come to the End Of The Road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the End of the Road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Catch you on the flip side, guys. Promise you’ll belong to me forever! xo

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Here’s John talking about his new, sturdy relationship with Katy Perry:

I haven’t had any trouble in my private life at all. It’s been … I mean, I’m quite happy. I’m happy in all aspects of my life. I’m very happy in all aspects of my life.

And John on being wary of photographers:

I used to be incredibly put off by somebody taking a picture, thinking as if in some way it was it was invading my brain. But all it is, is you can see where I was last weekend. That’s all … That’s not tremendously frightening to me.

On Frank Ocean (?):

Frank is such an interesting, deep, touched, wonderful guy. He’s fascinating to me. He’s so great.

And last, on how he’s improving himself and his life and what we can expect in the coming days:

I’m interested in living more of a life that’s invisible to everybody and more vibrant to a fewer people that are in my life.

Oh, but wait. John Mayer was spotted getting cozy with ‘Girls’ star Allison Williams in New York City this past weekend, so there is still that, right? A leper never really loses his spots or whatever, don’t you know.

Kristen Stewart is fuming with Robert Pattinson for not giving her enough attention while he’s Down Under filming, a source tells RadarOnline.com exclusively. The On the Road actress has been missing Robert, 26, since he flew to Australia to shoot futuristic western The Rover, and because of the time difference the pair has hardly spoken to each other.

Kristen, 22, feels Robert’s neglecting her, according to the source, and has told him she wants him to check-in more often!

“With Robert out the country, a thousand miles away working in Australia, Kristen has been missing him badly,” the source reveals. “The time difference is 18-and-a-half hours between Los Angeles and Adelaide, where Robert is, so it’s proving a difficulty for them to speak to each other regularly and easily. Robert is often starting his working day when Kristen is busy, and vice versa. And he’s not the best at sending texts, or keeping in touch in the first place.”

“Kristen is angry with him because she thinks he’s not giving her enough attention – it’s absolutely killing her. So, she’s told him off and said she wants more messages, updates…. Anything…. so she doesn’t feel forgotten about!”

As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Kristen has also been getting frustrated with Robert for his reluctance to fully forgive her and re-commit to their relationship following her cheating scandal. Robert has been playing hard to get since rekindling their romance, and the actress is starting to get annoyed because she feels that she’s been putting in all the effort to make it work out between them.

“Rob and Kristen are at a crossroads right now as to whether he finally accepts they are back together or not,” a source previously told Radar.

Wait, why are we even considering this? I thought we collectively decided that Kristen and Rob‘s relationship was solely for the ‘Twilight’ franchise, and that both of these people had gone their respective ways awhile ago. I thought that we were done speculating over these two and their true sexual orientations, but I guess not, huh?

On the flip side, Kristen is looking pretty stressed out these days, so if it isn’t something to do with Robert Pattinson and their “relationship,” then I’m willing to bet it’s got something to do with Rupert Sanders. Now that he’s, you know, officially back on the market again.

Eddie had started taking Propecia, like many men, because he was concerned about hair loss. He had fantastic hair, but who was I to sideline his vanity? … This particular drug [Propecia] had nasty side effects – including ones that happened in the bedroom. I knew he was concerned about his hairline, but momma needed something h**d. I was not down for a limp d**k and gave him an ultimatum: It was the Propecia or me! Eddie never took well to being cornered or criticized. So it was no surprise when he immediately shot back that my lady business wasn’t what it used to be.

—Brandi Glanville, again, from her book Drinking & Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders, talking about her ex-husband‘s impotence in the bedroom that occurred because of a hair-regrowth agent.

Of course, I don’t mean to laugh, because laughing at a man’s lack of performance in the bedroom just isn’t all that nice, but this is Eddie Cibrian that we’re talking about here, and he is quite a piece of crap, if you ask me.

… But then, you have to wonder—did Eddie step out on Brandi because of her creepy “Momma needs something hard” references? Because that’s just f-cking creepy. … Creepy, in case you didn’t get it the first go-round—and I’m talking cringing creepiness, here, guys. And mean. That’s pretty mean, too. And now, I’m not saying that Brandi emotionally abusing Eddie is a good excuse to be sleeping around on your wife, but it sure isn’t the worst one I’ve ever heard, either.

Who knows—maybe LeAnn gave Eddie some good (sexual) healing that Brandi just … well, didn’t.

This is Anna’s latest look at a fashion function in New York City, and gosh, guys, this girl gets prettier and prettier as the days go by. So pretty, actually, that it’s becoming super necessary to find out more about Anna and her rubbing-one-out ways.

For example, did you know that she’s way into British dudes? Must be a Kristen Stewart complex rearing its cheat-provoking head, but it’s a real thing. What does she like about UK men, though? Well, according to a recent interview, she likes their dry sense of humor and their accents, but really, who doesn’t?

As for her career, Anna was nominated for a Tony award for Best Actress in 1998 for her role in something called ‘High Society’, which just proves that there’s talent, like, coming out of her ears, and she’s also close friends with Adam Lambert.

Is there anything this chick can’t do?

Anna Kendrick: Love It or Leave It?

Kanye must be so, so proud.

Here’s three hints:

—He was in a movie in the early nineties with Matthew McConaughey. It was a good movie for livin’.
—His twin brother is just as weird.
—No, really: his twin brother is really, really weird.

Oh gosh, so there’s a big story here. Actually, there’s two stories, and I’m going to leave it up to you to decide which story is the true story.

Here’s London’s version of events:

Jason went to a bar in Arizona, where he was jumped by two 250-lb. bouncers. He did nothing to provoke the attack, the end.

Here’s law enforcement’s version of events:

Jason went to a bar in Arizona, sneezed on a bouncer and failed to apologize. The bouncer got pissed, shoved Jason, and Jason began to “attack” the bouncers (I say “attack,” because how much “attack” can a 5’11″ man who weighs 150 pounds really put out?). Jason got his ass kicked, the bouncers called the police, and when they showed up to pick him up and book him, he reacted belligerently, cursed at police, threw around his massive star power, and then proceeded to shit in the back of the police car.

I don’t know about you, but I’m more apt to believe the second story, partially because it’s probably true, and partially because it’s just more fun.

The second reason? Well, because today was a big day for Lindsay Lohan! Yes, Lindsay Lohan jetted straight across the United States from New York City to Los Angeles all in a few hours, got turned away from a bunch of swanky hotels, only to find herself looking … well, like that ^^ for her court hearing today. Ain’t she purty, y’all?

Also, if you were wondering how she fared in court, it’s just this: she’s not going to jail. For now. I mean, I’m sure ever, too, but it’s certain that she’s not going anywhere for at least the next thirty days. Nope, Lindsay isn’t due back in court until March 1st to determine if this thing is going to go to trial, and if it does, that’s not going to be ’til March 18th. Lindsay’s not required to show at the March 1st hearing, but she positively must be present at the 18ths, no ifs, ands or buts.

Needless to say, the judge wasn’t happy with Lindsay and, in fact, the judge wasn’t happy with Lindsay’s new lawyer, either, Mark Heller. At one point during the proceedings, Heller attempted to make small talk with the judge about their mutual hometown of New York City, to which Judge Sautner responded, “Flattery doesn’t get you anywhere in this court.” Simple enough, right? She shut him down right quick. Why can’t she do the same to Lindsay?

Who would you rather—Ashley or Selena?

This is girlfriend, continuing her Costa Rican adventure, hanging out and doing yoga (I think) on the beach.

All I know is that Liam Hemsworth is one lucky, lucky man—wouldn’t you agree?

Check out the gallery for more photos of Miley strutting stretching her stuff on the beach.

Rihanna has opened up like never before about getting back together with her ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown, and what it means for her public image.

“I decided it was more important for me to be happy,” she tells contributing editor Josh Eells in the new issue of Rolling Stone, out Friday, January 31st. “I wasn’t going to let anybody’s opinion get in the way of that. Even if it’s a mistake, it’s my mistake. After being tormented for so many years, being angry and dark, I’d rather just live my truth and take the backlash. I can handle it.”

The couple’s public reconciliation comes less than four years since Brown assaulted Rihanna the night before the 2009 Grammy Awards. Brown plead guilty to assault and performed community service, but he remains on probation.

“When you add up the pieces from the outside, it’s not the cutest puzzle in the world,” Rihanna says. “You see us walking somewhere, driving somewhere, in the studio, in the club, and you think you know. But it’s different now. We don’t have those types of arguments anymore. We talk about shit. We value each other. We know exactly what we have now, and we don’t want to lose that.”

And Rihanna says that if Brown were ever to display a hint of his past behavior towards her, she is ready to walk.

“He doesn’t have the luxury of f–king up again,” she says. “That’s just not an option. I can’t say that nothing else will ever go wrong. But I’m pretty solid in the knowing that he’s disgusted by that. And I wouldn’t have gone this far if I ever thought that was a possibility.”

Ooh, Chris Brown doesn’t have the luxury of f-cking up again. I’m sure that’s going to be in the forefront of his mind when he goes off on a rage-filled explosion of fists and teeth—I’m sure he’s going to be thinking, “Oh, wait, that’s right; I don’t have the luxury of f-cking up again, but I do have the luxury of boning another silly chick with self-esteem issues, so there’s that, too.”

Later on in the interview, she insinuates that Chris should have been pretty broken up about losing her the first time around—or at least, that’s what she was intending by keeping her distance for a few weeks to start:

“I wanted him to know what it felt like to lose me. To feel the consequences of that. So when that (stuff) came back it hit me like a ton of bricks. Like, God, you’ve got to be kidding right now. But I got real with myself, and I just couldn’t bury the way I felt.”

In short? This girl is a complete idiot. Lena Dunham got it right—Rihanna’s just dumb and pathetic. That’s all.

From TMZ:

It was a rough night for Lindsay Lohan and mama Dina …. first, flying to L.A. to dodge an arrest warrant and landing after midnight …. then getting rejected by a swanky hotel … and TMZ has learned they were BLACKBALLED.

Lindsay and Dina showed up at Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica (see video) at around 1 AM Wednesday. Lindsay stayed in the car while Dina went inside to check in, but she was unceremoniously turned away. Sources at Shutters tell TMZ they put Lindsay on a blacklist after she allegedly trashed one of their rooms in 2007.

Lindsay and Dina then went up the road a piece, to the Loews Hotel where they were also turned away. Management tells TMZ … there were no rooms available.

First of all, turned away by Shutters on hearing-eve? I don’t know if any of you guys have ever been there, but Shutters, undeniably a really great resort, only charges a mere $2400.00 a night for an ocean view suite, which, to me, is a lot of money to be spending in one night, but to a celebrity who’s got disposable cash and assets? A f-cking drop in the bucket. For Lindsay, though? Like me, it’s also a lot of money to be spending in one night, especially when it one night in the suite amounts to a quarter of a month’s rent—which Lindsay still can’t pay. It’s no wonder she was turned away—I doubt that it really had anything to do with a prior room-trash (because duh, that was totally six years ago when Lindsay was young and stupid and … oh wait), and I’m sure it had all to do with the fact that Lindsay’s worth nothing these days. That seems like a good assumption to make. Or at least a fun one, anyway.