Today's Evil Beet Gossip

So Long, Farewell

Oh guys. It’s really, really that time: my final (non-celebrity-related) post. I’m glad to say that I went out with a bang on that last John Mayer post. I mean, I guess. You know. If I could have chosen, the last celebrity-related post would have been something LeAnn Rimes/Brandi Glanville-related, but hey. It can’t always be flaccid penises and boob cutlets all the time, you know.

On that note, oh my goodness. My personal voyage with Evil Beet Gossip started off back in 2009, when I was just chomping at the bit to stop writing link exchange posts and move on to bigger things. In late 2009, I got my wish: Sasha, who is the original Evil Beet herself, had hired me as an official staff writer for Evil Beet Gossip. I thank her so, so much for taking a chance on someone like me way back then. 5,394 posts later, I leave you with this, my own personal, sentimental, and irregularly inappropriate and ill-placed advice for those to whom it might be applicable: never stop moving forward. Seriously. No matter what life throws at you—good or bad—just never stop moving forward. Go after what you want, but be so, so thankful for what you have in the meantime.

That, of course, brings me to be so, so thankful for all of you guys, because many of you are so, so wonderful. I’d like to call a few of you out, here, so be prepared:

evilbeetdouche. You were one of my very first allies on Evil Beet, and I’m eternally grateful to you. You stuck by my side when there was that weird transition where everyone and not just some people hated me, and by the way? I think I know who you really are! BOOM. ;)

Chaz! Oh Chaz. You know where I’m going, because we go way back like that, and I hope you’ll come and stir the shit in the new joint, too. Also, please, please bring guest with you. It just won’t be the same.

Mireee. Girl, you’ve been around forever. You were even around on Zelda Lily, and that’s where I really got to know you. You’re smart and kick-ass and never let anyone put you in a place where they think you belong. You’re one of my most favorite commenters because secretly, I want to be just like you.

CranAppleSnapple: I’m sorry that certain things drove you away, but I have a book from you, and I will always think of you whenever I look through it. YOUR NEW CAT IS SO CUTE and your husband is, too!

Angry Pirate. I don’t know where you’ve been, but the last time I saw you was on a Courtney Stodden post on the twentieth of the month. I still officially never got a goodbye! Boo on that business. Do come back, OK?

puddin. Could you possibly win more Caption This contests? You’re hilarious, girl. I’m going to miss sending you free crap.

I’m sure there’s probably many, many more that I’ve interacted with on a personal level, and if I left any of you out, I’m sorry—I’m going to blame it on the tears and the big, big, really big glass of Merlot that’s currently clouding my vision.

I also want to send a major, major thankyou to Emily, who has been my partner in crime and cohort at Evil Beet Gossip for longer than anyone else ever has. She’s the most amazing, most sensitive, most hardworking lady I’ve ever met, and while I’m sorry that she’s leaving Evil Beet, too, because I know how well-loved she is, I’m also super happy that she’s coming along with me and embarking on a whole different, crazy adventure that will hopefully prove successful for both of us. Emily’s a real gem, and I count myself blessed to know her.

Last, I want to thank A., who entered my life sometime around 2010 (I can’t even remember when, it seems like it’s been so long) and had faith in me even when I wasn’t sure I had it in myself (hid that one pretty well, huh?). A. has been the best boss anyone could ask for, and rest assured, friends, there’s so much going on behind the scenes at Evil Beet that’s going to just knock your socks off in the coming months, so be on the look out for it, guys.

I love you all immensely, and I will never, ever forget you, or the various parts you’ve played in one of the greatest and most rewarding experiences of my life.

On a final note, I’m going to let my homies, Boyz II Men, do the rest of my talking for me, because that’s appropriate right now, maybe:

Although we’ve come to the End Of The Road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the End of the Road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Catch you on the flip side, guys. Promise you’ll belong to me forever! xo

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Katy Perry Changed John Mayer’s Soul, and the Color of His Aura Probably, Too

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Oh, you mean you didn’t hear? Because yes, John Mayer did an interview with Rolling Stone wherein he discussed how very happy Katy Perry has made him, and how much his life has changed for the better since he stopped being a feathered-hair doofus whose very favorite past time was objectifying women and subjecting them to bogus serenades like ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’. Things are so, so much better.

Here’s John talking about his new, sturdy relationship with Katy Perry:

I haven’t had any trouble in my private life at all. It’s been … I mean, I’m quite happy. I’m happy in all aspects of my life. I’m very happy in all aspects of my life.

And John on being wary of photographers:

I used to be incredibly put off by somebody taking a picture, thinking as if in some way it was it was invading my brain. But all it is, is you can see where I was last weekend. That’s all … That’s not tremendously frightening to me.

On Frank Ocean (?):

Frank is such an interesting, deep, touched, wonderful guy. He’s fascinating to me. He’s so great.

And last, on how he’s improving himself and his life and what we can expect in the coming days:

I’m interested in living more of a life that’s invisible to everybody and more vibrant to a fewer people that are in my life.

Oh, but wait. John Mayer was spotted getting cozy with ‘Girls’ star Allison Williams in New York City this past weekend, so there is still that, right? A leper never really loses his spots or whatever, don’t you know.

Is Kristen Stewart Worried About Getting Dumped?

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From Us Weekly:

Kristen Stewart is fuming with Robert Pattinson for not giving her enough attention while he’s Down Under filming, a source tells exclusively. The On the Road actress has been missing Robert, 26, since he flew to Australia to shoot futuristic western The Rover, and because of the time difference the pair has hardly spoken to each other.

Kristen, 22, feels Robert’s neglecting her, according to the source, and has told him she wants him to check-in more often!

“With Robert out the country, a thousand miles away working in Australia, Kristen has been missing him badly,” the source reveals. “The time difference is 18-and-a-half hours between Los Angeles and Adelaide, where Robert is, so it’s proving a difficulty for them to speak to each other regularly and easily. Robert is often starting his working day when Kristen is busy, and vice versa. And he’s not the best at sending texts, or keeping in touch in the first place.”

“Kristen is angry with him because she thinks he’s not giving her enough attention – it’s absolutely killing her. So, she’s told him off and said she wants more messages, updates…. Anything…. so she doesn’t feel forgotten about!”

As previously reported, Kristen has also been getting frustrated with Robert for his reluctance to fully forgive her and re-commit to their relationship following her cheating scandal. Robert has been playing hard to get since rekindling their romance, and the actress is starting to get annoyed because she feels that she’s been putting in all the effort to make it work out between them.

“Rob and Kristen are at a crossroads right now as to whether he finally accepts they are back together or not,” a source previously told Radar.

Wait, why are we even considering this? I thought we collectively decided that Kristen and Rob‘s relationship was solely for the ‘Twilight’ franchise, and that both of these people had gone their respective ways awhile ago. I thought that we were done speculating over these two and their true sexual orientations, but I guess not, huh?

On the flip side, Kristen is looking pretty stressed out these days, so if it isn’t something to do with Robert Pattinson and their “relationship,” then I’m willing to bet it’s got something to do with Rupert Sanders. Now that he’s, you know, officially back on the market again.

Quotables: Eddie Cibrian’s a 9 in the Bedroom … When He Can Get It Up

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Eddie had started taking Propecia, like many men, because he was concerned about hair loss. He had fantastic hair, but who was I to sideline his vanity? … This particular drug [Propecia] had nasty side effects – including ones that happened in the bedroom. I knew he was concerned about his hairline, but momma needed something h**d. I was not down for a limp d**k and gave him an ultimatum: It was the Propecia or me! Eddie never took well to being cornered or criticized. So it was no surprise when he immediately shot back that my lady business wasn’t what it used to be.

Brandi Glanville, again, from her book Drinking & Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders, talking about her ex-husband‘s impotence in the bedroom that occurred because of a hair-regrowth agent.

Of course, I don’t mean to laugh, because laughing at a man’s lack of performance in the bedroom just isn’t all that nice, but this is Eddie Cibrian that we’re talking about here, and he is quite a piece of crap, if you ask me.

… But then, you have to wonder—did Eddie step out on Brandi because of her creepy “Momma needs something hard” references? Because that’s just f-cking creepy. … Creepy, in case you didn’t get it the first go-round—and I’m talking cringing creepiness, here, guys. And mean. That’s pretty mean, too. And now, I’m not saying that Brandi emotionally abusing Eddie is a good excuse to be sleeping around on your wife, but it sure isn’t the worst one I’ve ever heard, either.

Who knows—maybe LeAnn gave Eddie some good (sexual) healing that Brandi just … well, didn’t.

Love It or Leave It: Anna Kendrick is So, So Precious

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So we’ve talked about Anna Kendrick just a little bit here and there, but the tipping point really revealed itself when she talked about masturbating to a Ryan Gosling movie in a theater. That was a stroke of brilliance right there, no pun intended.

This is Anna’s latest look at a fashion function in New York City, and gosh, guys, this girl gets prettier and prettier as the days go by. So pretty, actually, that it’s becoming super necessary to find out more about Anna and her rubbing-one-out ways.

For example, did you know that she’s way into British dudes? Must be a Kristen Stewart complex rearing its cheat-provoking head, but it’s a real thing. What does she like about UK men, though? Well, according to a recent interview, she likes their dry sense of humor and their accents, but really, who doesn’t?

As for her career, Anna was nominated for a Tony award for Best Actress in 1998 for her role in something called ‘High Society’, which just proves that there’s talent, like, coming out of her ears, and she’s also close friends with Adam Lambert.

Is there anything this chick can’t do?

Anna Kendrick: Love It or Leave It?

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Guess the Celebrity: Mugshot Edition!

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Oh guys. I never tire of these weird, sad mugshots that we get to see on the regular, and in fact, I kind of look forward to them each and every time. It’s not that I wish misfortune on these people, of course, it’s just that these mugshots are so damn ridiculous.

Here’s three hints:

—He was in a movie in the early nineties with Matthew McConaughey. It was a good movie for livin’.
—His twin brother is just as weird.
—No, really: his twin brother is really, really weird.

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