And oh how I wish it were literally instead of figuratively. Life would be just grand. The guy in the video is CM Punk. He’s actually kind of hot, he’s well-spoken, and he’s the reigning WWE Champion or something I think.

Here’s some of the transcript for the above video, in case you can’t view it:

In my world, women are to be revered and respected. And in this life, I firmly believe there are consequences and repercussions for people’s actions and I don’t think Chris has paid for what he’s done. Picking up trash on the side of a highway does not make amends for repeatedly striking a woman in her face and sending her to a hospital. Now Chris wants to throw stones my way. And that’s fine. But put some gloves on and get in the ring. I will choke you out, and I will make you feel as weak and powerless and scared and alone as any woman that has had the misfortune of knowing a sad, cowardly little boy such as yourself.

Yes, Chris indeed wants to throw stones in this guy’s direction. Because he’s got BIG BALLS, I’m assuming. BIG ENOUGH BALLS to beat the snot out of a woman who’s stupid enough to probably say, “Tee hee, we were young and stupid, but now we’re older and stupid and SEX SEX ABUSE IS HOT BUY MY NEW ALBUM.”

How’d this all start, you wonder? Punk fired off a tweet on Monday night that looked something like this:

I would like @chrisbrown to fight somebody that can defend themselves.

Chris then retorted:

@CMpunk needs more followers. He’s such a leader! Not to mention the roids hes on has made it utterly impossible for him pleasure a women.

@CMpunk contact my assistant and I’ll have em send u an autographed pic for my biggest FAN!!!

So, classy right? Normally I’d say, “Ooh, this CM wrestler guy is really taking potshots in order to get his name in the news, ’cause I’ve never heard of him before,” but after examining myself long and hard, guys, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m completely OK with it. Potshot away, folks. Maybe we, together, can knock some sense into the repeat commenters on websites much like this one to avoid making stupid-ass quips like “Chris Brown is hawt, he can beat me any day hur duh bur duh bur.”

What were you guys doing back in back in 1999? You know, back when this video was shot. I was sixteen (not much younger than Britney herself), crushing hardcore on this dude from the swim team who already had a girlfriend, and with abs that were just as hot. What’s changed in the thirteen years that’s passed since? Well, I hooked up with the dude from the swim team about five years after the crush had subsided – the girlfriend was an ex-girlfriend by that point – and you know what? It wasn’t as awesome as I’d always imagined. The abs stayed pretty much where they were (OK, not as great as Britney’s eighteen-year-old abs, but pretty damned good abs for a twenty-eight year-old mother of one), and generally, things are super. Don’t you just love those middling years and how unpredictable they can be?

Ahem.

Britney, however, is in her own sort of cacophonous mess – sources close to her are saying that her upcoming wedding to Jason Trawick has her in bridezilla mode, and while I can’t exactly see Britney all waving her manicured hands around, ordering people to do this and that (because come on – Brit Brit probably hasn’t had a manicure since her ‘Sometimes’ days), I can understand that she could possibly be under a tremendous amount of pressure. From the UK’s Now magazine:

As she tries to prevent a feud breaking out between Jason’s family and hers, the pressure’s bringing her out in spots – which is stressing her out even more!

A friend says: ‘Brit’s been bombarded with instructions on where to have her wedding. Her family’s pushing to have the ceremony in Louisiana, but Jason’s family wants it back East.

‘Britney wanted it in Hawaii or at Elvis’s Graceland estate, but it looks like what she wants has to go on the back burner. She’s flipping out.’

Oh Britney. Let’s just take it easy for awhile and remember the easygoing, fun-loving days gone by, OK? Can we just do that for a minute, take a breather? Check out the original video below!

Drew Barrymore is pregnant. [The Superficial]

The Cheater Fist Pump. [Lainey Gossip]

Rihanna has ‘Girls Gone Wild’ bash in London. [Bossip]

Kate Beckinsale‘s funk face. [Starpulse]

Bam Margera was arrested during Mardi Gras. [TMZ]

Danny DeVito was at The Lorax. [The Blemish]

Jonas = dumped. [theBERRY]

‘Amazing Race‘ facilitator found dead, poisoned. [Huff Po]

Whitney Houston‘s daughter was wasted at her mom’s funeral. [Hollywood Dame]

Kim Kardashian wins worst personality. [Socialite Life]

Mariah Carey really thinks she looks awesome. [The Superficial]

Adam Levine uses the pull-out method to prevent pregnancy. [Cele|bitchy]

Oh look, more celebrities posing as Marilyn Monroe. [Popbytes]

Zac Efron and Taylor Swift duet. [Hollywood PQ]

Chris Brown‘s “girlfriend” is really f-cking stupid. [IDLYITW]

Who knew that our President was such a showman with such confident charm and swagger? Well, I did, for one. Ha! What a guy. I don’t care how you feel about his policies or the things he’s done (or not done), I’m strictly talking about the fact that this man’s got some serious chutzpah. Or moxie. Or whatever you want to call it. It is what it is.

Last night, if you didn’t know, was Blues Night at the White House, a concert featuring both Mick Jagger and B.B. King. The show will be televised on February 27th on PBS, and will also feature a few cameo performances by your very own President. Other performers included Jeff Beck, Susan Tedeschi – who I will discuss briefly in a moment – and Shemekia Copeland, who is the daughter of legendary blues guitarist and singer, Johnny Copeland. Her first album was also produced by one of my own personal favorites, Dr. John. She’s cool, and you should probably check her out.

Someone else you should check out if you aren’t familiar with her? Susan Tedeschi. I heard this song when I was probably thirteen and it just stuck with me so much and changed the face of my musical tastes forever (seriously; I was listening to Hanson and Britney Spears back then):

Awesome, right?

Lastly, I’m not going to go intermingling politics where I said I wouldn’t (yeah, OK), but I will leave you with one final thought: see the rigmarole that the Republican Presidential candidates are going through right now? It’s all a joke. None of them are going to win against Obama, and it’s not because he’s suave and he can sing and all that’s on the Republican candidate menu are dusty, geriatric old farts who’d rather play golf with their own personal Bernie Madoffs than cut loose and have a good time – for a good cause – like a normal person might.

That’s all, I promise!

The blues concert will be part of the “In Performance at the White House” series that airs on PBS. Get some!

Want to know why Megan Fox is one of my latest favorite ladies? Because that stupid Marilyn Monroe tattoo is getting fainter and fainter as the days go by. Seriously. It’s practically almost gone. Plus, she looks so hot these days. The Botox is all but gone and her hip bones are no longer protruding like she’s trying to use them as weapons to recreate some kind of weird Tomb Raider vibe.

All good news for Megan Fox and her fans, right? Well, no, not so much. Turns out that role she was going for against Lindsay Lohan – you know, the Elizabeth Taylor Lifetime movie role? Sources are saying it went to Lindsay because there’s apparently a market for blowjobs guaranteed with STDs for whatever reason. From Access Hollywood:

Lindsay Lohan has more than just her upcoming hosting gig on “Saturday Night Live” to celebrate – she’s scored the role of Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime TV movie, “Liz and Dick,” a source tells Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush.

But, there is one legal-related caveat: Lindsay needs to stay on the right side of court.

According to the source, if Lohan continues to stick to the judge’s orders, as she has been doing, she will be playing the “Cleopatra” beauty in the Lifetime made-for-TV film about the late actress.

TMZ also has a story that Lindsay’s taking this role appointment very seriously, and would probably chew off her own arm if it meant keeping the role and getting whatever Lifetime movie awards that might happen to exist somewhere out there on the D-list:

Lindsay is telling friends, she’s taking her new gig extremely seriously — “obsessing over getting the part right” for the film.

According to sources, Lindsay is doing nothing but watching old Liz Taylor movies to help her recreate the Hollywood icon’s posture, speech, and every other little detail.

We’re told Lindsay has also been watching old Liz interviews online and reading a bunch of Liz biographies.

Oh … My God! What went wrong, Megs? You’ve got the look, the acting chops (for a Lifetime movie, anyway), and the lack of cracked-out behavioral history. How did Lindsay manage to get her scruffy little hands on a part that you so deserved?

I’m baffled, friends. And I’m sure Megan is, too, just judging by the vacant ‘What the f-ck just happened’ look on her face in most of the gallery photos. Check them out, and do yourself a favor – cheer up. It’s still Megan Fox in a bikini, after all.

OK, OK – it wasn’t really *for* Jen, but she allegedly sent his Very Special Breakdancing Shoes to the set, and after Ellen approached the topic of his secret talent, he had no other option but to show both Ellen and the audience a few choice moves.

What does that mean? Well, it means that we’ve got Justin Theroux, multitalented dude who can dance, ride a mean motorcycle, capture the hearts of prolific women (right; that one was the easy one, really), act, and produce/direct. He can also be pretty evasive when he needs to be, and when you’re dating Jennifer Aniston, I most definitely think one needs to be. Seems like such a catch, right?

I mean, aside from the whole thing about him having the poor judgement in dating a woman who makes him wear a gold ring with his own name on it, and how he unceremoniously dumped his ex-girlfriend of, like, a decade for her, he’s actually kind of cute and endearing. He does engaging interviews. Women ‘woo!’ for him. And finally, the pièce de résistance – he breakdances. Have you ever slept with a dude who could breakdance? If you have? Well. I think I rest my case.

Good for you, Jen. All things considered, of course.