Poor 27 Dresses’ Judy Greer! Always a bridesmaid and never a—wait, what? Oh. Scratch that.

The offbeat Judy Greer, forever relegated to playing the quirky “best friend” (13 Going on 30, Love and Other Drugs, The Wedding Planner) and the “sexy weirdo” (Kitty Sanchez in “Arrested Development,” Fern in Jawbreaker), will finally play the lead in her own production! That is to say, she’s newly engaged to her boyfriend of one year, Dean Johnsen.

Well, that’s it, boys: Judy Greer is officially off the market. “SAY GOODBYE TO THESE!”

Thank God my mother didn’t catch this year’s Miss USA pageant on TV. I mean, I missed it, too—does anyone between the ages of 13 and 60 watch it anymore? (And do let me know in the comments if you did, weirdos. I just know there’s one 40-year-old dude here who turned off his cell phone and popped himself some kettle corn.)

Oh, mom. The times, they are a-changin’: this year’s pageant winner, Alyssa Campanella of California, believes that evolution should be taught in schools. (That stance isn’t incredible on its own, no, but it likely came as a shock to the all-important Bible Belt demographic.) Miss Campanella is one of only two contestants who announced, point-blank, a belief in the theory of evolution at all. Most pageant contestants either said that intelligent design and evolution should be taught in schools (zzz), while the rest seemed to misunderstand the question.

Her argument isn’t very structured, no, but apparently Miss Campanella’s candor gave her a competitive edge:

Unprecedented! Miss USA 2011 also spoke in favor of medical marijuana, kind of:

Well, I understand why that question would be asked, especially with today’s economy, but I also understand that medical marijuana is very important to help with those who need it, m-medically? Uh. I’m not sure, if it should be legalized, if it would really affect, you know, with the drug wars—I mean, it’s abused today? Unfortunately? So that’s the only reason why I would kind of be a little bit against it, but medically it’s okay? So… that’s my answer.

Last year’s pageant winner, Rima Fakih of Michigan, was the first Muslim crowned Miss USA! Betcha didn’t know that! How could you? You have never watched a Miss USA pageant in your life.

Wedding bells pealed Friday, May 20 for actor Doug Hutchison and his bride, 16-year-old Courtney Stodden! The couple married in Vegas.

Hutchison, a talented character actor who briefly trained at Julliard, is 51. He played my favorite alien serial killer on X-Files. But you might remember him best from his gut-turning portrayal of creepy sociopathic prison guard Percy Wetmore in The Green Mile.

The new Mrs. Hutchison is a self-described “upcoming recording artist, a model, inspiring actress, dancer, [and] TV show hostess.” Her website adds that she is an “all-American girl.”

The couple released this statement:

We’re aware that our vast age difference is extremely controversial. But we’re very much in love and want to get the message out there that true love can be ageless.

Aww, I think this is great. Every 16-year-old girl dreams of marrying a movie star. Dreams really do come true!

Other advantages to their 35-year age difference:

- Courtney can buy beer and cigarettes if she brings her new husband along. (Kidding! No one cards this girl, guaranteed.)

- She’s 16! Maybe she’ll finally get that used car she’s had her eye on.

- In a few years he’ll pick up the tab for her boobs college tuition!

- Then he’ll actually save money, since Courtney will be able to use her student discount on everything.

- Maybe now we can all stop freaking out about the two-year gap between cradle-robbing Selena Gomez and young, innocent Justin Bieber. Ha, ha, yeah, right!

Well? Did I miss anything? Help a lady out.

I don’t even want to picture a lover’s quarrel between the two, though. What do you think? Will she shout “You’re not my father!” and slam the door to her bedroom?

Comedian Reggie Brown has made a career out of his Barack Obama impersonation—his cadence is right-on, and with a little makeup, Brown is nearly a dead ringer for the 44th president. Plus he’s pretty funny.

It’s small surprise, then, that Brown was hired to do a set, in character, at the Republican Leadership Conference held at the Hilton New Orleans Riverside this weekend.

The set started well, and it made pretty funny use of a slideshow presentation, but after about 18 minutes—and just as he was getting ready to zing Michele Bachmann!—the Obama impersonator was escorted offstage. (RLC President Charlie Davis himself did the axing—all smiles—and Brown handled the indignation very nicely.)

Gawker reports that Brown’s uncomfortably off-color, racially charged digs at the president were what arbitrated his ousting (and Charlie Davis agrees), but nearly every other media outlet is reporting that, when it comes to their own kind, ahahaha, Conservatives can’t take a joke.

In the video, you can hear the crowd turn just as soon as “Obama” makes his first joke about presidential hopeful Mitt Romney and his “first lady, second lady, uhh, third lady…” (Romney is Mormon.)

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I absolutely cannot abide 20-year olds who write memoirs because, unless your parents died and you are raising your little brother all by yourself or you made it all up, how am I to care?

But Bristol Palin has accounted for my ageist ire by titling her new autobiography Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far. Ah! Bristol’s journey so far! I like how the title already leaves the door open to a sequel.

In her new book, Bristol treats us to certain revelations about her private life. For instance: she drunkenly lost her virginity to Levi Johnston during a camping trip. Yup.

Bristol couldn’t even remember the sexual encounter—she’d managed to black out on wine coolers—so I guess it’s a good thing she overheard Levi bragging to their friends later, or else she might have thought Tripp was immaculately conceived. (Levi Johnston’s reaction to news of their pregnancy: “Better be a fucking boy.” Nice.)

I like Bristol Palin (for now), and I like Dancing With The Stars, and I really, really like Kyle Massey and I hope it’s true they’re dating. And because I like Bristol so much right now, I am only too happy to have her confirm that Levi Johnston is a bloodsucking bug.

Also, I appreciate Bristol’s newfound sense of rebellion. She should keep trying to piss people off; it looks really good on her.

Without peeking, can you guess who these boobs belong to?

The answer is hidden after the break!

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