Today's Evil Beet Gossip

What Would Make Adele Defecate on Herself?

A photo of Adele

That was a fun little question, wasn’t it? Do you want to think about it for a minute? Go ahead, I’ll wait. Did you come up with anything good? Take a break real quick and leave it in the comments, and then come back. Did you do it? All right, now let me tell you what the real answer is …

Psych! You’re going to have to read through excerpts from this interview that she did with Matt Lauer to figure out what Adele thinks would make her “f-cking shit” herself. Really, it’s a great interview.

On getting a phone call from Elton John: “I had no idea who it was and he just started chatting away to me and I passed the phone over to a friend and I was like yeah, it’s Elton. It still cracks me up. It made me think my god it’s another level now.”

How she keeps a low profile: “The other day I walked through Trafalgar Square, tourist haven. I was a bit worried and I was in my pyjamas because I’d been working the day before, I was in colour too, I’m always in black. I had floral tracksuit bottoms on and this massive green coat and some little pink pumps. Luckily …I was really scared but I had this massive umbrella. Nobody recognized me.”

What she would do if an ex wrote songs about her: “I’d f-cking shit myself. I’d be mortified,” taking time to point out, “But also if they wrote songs about me, they’d be: ‘This song’s about Adele’. I’ve never given any names ever, but everyone’s going to know this song’s about me. No-one actually knows who my songs are about”.

On writing such personal songs: “I do wish I’d kept a lot of things to myself, but I never knew the album was going to be so big. I will be more wary when I go into things now.”

On being a celebrity: “I just want to make music, I don’t want people to talk about me. All I’ve ever wanted to do was sing. I don’t want to be a celebrity. I don’t want to be in people’s faces, you know, constantly on covers of magazine that I haven’t even known I’m on.”

It’s been way too long since Adele last did an interview. I can definitely understand wanting to make music without all the gossip, but I just love her too much. I wish she had a talk show or a video blog or my phone number so I could just hear her talk all the time. I find her accent just incredibly charming, and she always seems like so much fun.

In case you’ve forgotten what I’m talking about, here’s some of the actual video:

I. Love. Her.

Yes, Kristen Stewart Is Still Doing Interviews

A photo of Vanity Fair

This time, Kristen is the cover girl for Vanity Fair, and much like her other recent interviews, she uses a lot of cusses and she doesn’t give a f-ck. She also explains why she looks so greasy half the time! It’s really an enlightening interview, so let’s go ahead and get to it, all right?

On being photographed: “I have been criticized a lot for not looking perfect in every photograph. I get some serious shit about it. I’m not embarrassed about it. I’m proud of it. If I took perfect pictures all the time, the people standing in the room with me, or on the carpet, would think, What an actress! What a faker! That thought embarrasses me so much that I look like shit in half my photos, and I don’t give a f-ck. What matters to me is that the people in the room leave and say, ‘She was cool. She had a good time. She was honest.’ I don’t care about the voracious, starving shit eaters who want to turn truth into shit. Not that you can say that in Vanity Fair!”

Robert Pattinson on Kristen: “People have decided how they are going to perceive her,” Robert Pattinson tells V.F. of Stewart. “No matter how many times she smiles, they’ll put in the one picture where she’s not smiling.”

On Juicy jeans: “Look at a picture of me before I was 15. I am a boy. I wore my brother’s clothes, dude! Not like I cared that much, but I remember being made fun of because I wasn’t wearing Juicy jeans. I didn’t even think about it. I wore my gym clothes. But it’s not like I didn’t care that they made fun of me. It really bothered me. I remember this girl in sixth grade looked at me in gym and was like, ‘Oh my God! That’s disgusting—you don’t shave your legs!”

How Twilight changed her life: “You can Google my name and one of the first things that comes up is images of me sitting on my front porch smoking a pipe with my ex-boyfriend and my dog. It was [taken] the day the movie came out. I was no one. I was a kid. I had just turned 18. In [the tabloids] the next day it was like I was a delinquent slimy idiot, whereas I’m kind of a weirdo, creative Valley Girl who smokes pot. Big deal. But that changed my daily life instantly. I didn’t go out in my underwear anymore.”

Did I understand that first quote right? Did she say that she tries to look bad in photos so that people won’t think she’s fake? Isn’t that a little silly? Or is she just saying that she doesn’t make a point of looking glamorous and perfect every time she goes into public because, once again, she “doesn’t give a f-ck”? Because one makes sense, and the other makes me want to hit things. But regardless, I’m going to do my best to work “voracious, starving shit eaters who want to turn truth into shit” into at least one conversation today. I imagine it will be with my kitten.

As for the second quote, I love you, Robert Pattinson, but no, this isn’t true. Up until recently, it was pretty hard to find a picture of Kristen smiling. That’s not how we decided to perceive her, that’s just the way it was. A story about Kristen has to be accompanied by a photo of Kristen, and approximately 98% of Kristen Stewart photos show her not smiling. Facts are facts.

But do you remember those photos of Kristen smoking a pipe out on the porch? Because they were wonderful. I just wish the paparazzi could have taken some shots of her going out in her underwear.

Never change, Kristen.