Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Kim Kardashian Needs You to Shut Up About The Whole Kris Humphries Thing

A photo of Kim Kardashian

“It’s like, so old news. I’m technically, like, legally married, and I’m like, pregnant, but some other, like, man got me pregnant. Like, not my husband. Like, yeah, ha, like, ha. Hilarious, guys. Like, so hilarious. Whatever.”

Ok, now just imagine that line said in a weird, drawn out, sort of nasally voice. That’s basically what this whole entire interview with Kim Kardashian is about.

She did an appearance on a radio show, along with Kourtney Kardashian, and of course everyone wanted to talk about her crazy situation. Here are some of the things that she said:

“He’s [Kris Humphries] … suing me for an annulment … He’s claiming that I [committed fraud] … Who would ever do that? It’s just not who I am. All those fake and fraud rumors got started because of that, and we have to deal with that and handle that.”

Oh, except all those “fake and fraud rumors” started about two seconds after her sex tape was “leaked.”  But who’s keeping track?

“I would have rather ended it when I felt that way, than waste a year of my life not being happy,” she says. “But for him, too. I knew the whole world was going to bash me. I knew that. I said to myself, ‘What’s more important? My life and my happiness, or what the whole world thinks of me?’ [Staying married] would be vain. That would be fake. That would be doing it for publicity.”

Well, her life and happiness need to do some serious thinking the next time they make a huge commitment so that they don’t change their minds a few weeks later.

“If anyone [only] knew all the fertility problems and the things that I was going through,” she says. “God brings you things at a time when you least expect it. I’m such a planner and this was just meant to be. What am I going to? Wait years to get a divorce? I’d love one.It’s a process.”

Wait, what?  How did she knew she was having all these fertility problems?  I thought that fertility problems only showed themselves when you were trying to get pregnant, is that right?  Unless she has some other condition that makes pregnancy hard, I think that means she tried to have a baby before?   I’m really not sure with this one, I’m just wondering when she would have found out about her fertility problems.

“I just don’t like all the jokes. Things ‘longer than Kim’s marriage.’ Technically I’m still married, so that joke doesn’t really work … Give it up, people.”

Uh, that doesn’t make it sound better, Kim.  You think you just gave yourself the upper hand, but you really, really didn’t.

Lindsay Lohan Probably Isn’t A Prostitute, Maybe

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

I just don’t know what to think, you guys. This is hard. Is Lindsay a prostitute? Is she not a prostitute? She’s so misunderstood. Just like her dad.

Because here’s what happened: there was this new story all about how Lindsay is getting paid to go on dates with rich dudes. Or, ok, obviously the story wasn’t new, but this quote from Michael Lohan was:

“She is getting paid to date rich men. Dina is pimping her out – it’s disgusting!”

But just shut your stupid mouths, because he never, ever said that, ok? Not ever. Not in a million years. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan is NOT banging rich dudes for money … despite reports she’s a highly paid escort — so says her father.

Michael Lohan is quoted in the reports in question, saying Lindsay is “getting paid to date rich men.” According to the reports, these dates last for several days and the men shower her with lavish gifts like jewelry.

One alleged client is the third in line for the throne of Brunei, who allegedly paid Lindsay $100,000 to celebrate New Year’s with him in London.

But Michael insists he was misquoted — telling TMZ, “By absolutely NO MEANS did I ever make such a statement … EVER!”

He adds, “Sure, Lindsay and [other celebs] make personal appearances and get paid for it! Sure, she and they get paid to go to birthday parties and other occasions! But for sex? Are you kidding me? I would never say that because she would NEVER do that and it NEVER happened!”

Oh, because Lindsay’s dad would be the first person she’d tell about it. Please. I don’t think that Lindsay would call herself a prostitute, but I don’t doubt that she’s making these “personal appearances,” and that sometimes the personal appearances take the form of dates, and sometimes, natch, dates lead to sex. How else does she ever have any money?

Ryan Gosling Loves to Knit

A photo of Ryan Gosling

Hey, girl. Let me ask you something, if that’s all right. Are you tired of guys who simply want to paw at your angel cushions and poke at your love chasm? Do you just want to say “hey, lover, I’m sore and I’d rather just a Kardashian show and knit”? Then please extend an invitation my way, girl. I’ll provide the yarn if you can provide the wine.

But no, really, Ryan Gosling really loves knitting:

Ryan Gosling’s perfect day involves knitting.

The ‘Gangster Squad’ actor has developed a love for creating garments out of needles and yarn as he thinks it’s a great way to relax after a hard day’s work.

He said: ”I did this scene in ‘Lars and the Real Girl’ where I was in a room full of old ladies who were knitting, and it was an all-day scene, so they showed me how. It was one of the most relaxing days of my life.

”If I had to design my perfect day, that would be it. And you get something out of it at the end. You get a nice present. For someone who wants an oddly shaped, off-putting scarf.”

However, Ryan’s life hasn’t always been so calm and says he got a love for showbiz after watching his uncle perform as an Elvis Presley impersonator.

He told Australia’s GQ magazine: ”When I was a kid, it [my uncle] was certainly the most interesting thing going on in the house. He made his own costumes, did all the sequins – it took months. And I became a bit like his shadow, helping him when I could. He was in the mirror, working on the voice and singing, and he [slowly] created this character, and then he put together an act and performed in a local talent show. And because I was so interested, he made me the head of security. As a joke.”

Is this man even real?