Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Kim Kardashian Needs You to Shut Up About The Whole Kris Humphries Thing

A photo of Kim Kardashian

“It’s like, so old news. I’m technically, like, legally married, and I’m like, pregnant, but some other, like, man got me pregnant. Like, not my husband. Like, yeah, ha, like, ha. Hilarious, guys. Like, so hilarious. Whatever.”

Ok, now just imagine that line said in a weird, drawn out, sort of nasally voice. That’s basically what this whole entire interview with Kim Kardashian is about.

She did an appearance on a radio show, along with Kourtney Kardashian, and of course everyone wanted to talk about her crazy situation. Here are some of the things that she said:

“He’s [Kris Humphries] … suing me for an annulment … He’s claiming that I [committed fraud] … Who would ever do that? It’s just not who I am. All those fake and fraud rumors got started because of that, and we have to deal with that and handle that.”

Oh, except all those “fake and fraud rumors” started about two seconds after her sex tape was “leaked.”  But who’s keeping track?

“I would have rather ended it when I felt that way, than waste a year of my life not being happy,” she says. “But for him, too. I knew the whole world was going to bash me. I knew that. I said to myself, ‘What’s more important? My life and my happiness, or what the whole world thinks of me?’ [Staying married] would be vain. That would be fake. That would be doing it for publicity.”

Well, her life and happiness need to do some serious thinking the next time they make a huge commitment so that they don’t change their minds a few weeks later.

“If anyone [only] knew all the fertility problems and the things that I was going through,” she says. “God brings you things at a time when you least expect it. I’m such a planner and this was just meant to be. What am I going to? Wait years to get a divorce? I’d love one.It’s a process.”

Wait, what?  How did she knew she was having all these fertility problems?  I thought that fertility problems only showed themselves when you were trying to get pregnant, is that right?  Unless she has some other condition that makes pregnancy hard, I think that means she tried to have a baby before?   I’m really not sure with this one, I’m just wondering when she would have found out about her fertility problems.

“I just don’t like all the jokes. Things ‘longer than Kim’s marriage.’ Technically I’m still married, so that joke doesn’t really work … Give it up, people.”

Uh, that doesn’t make it sound better, Kim.  You think you just gave yourself the upper hand, but you really, really didn’t.

Lindsay Lohan Probably Isn’t A Prostitute, Maybe

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

I just don’t know what to think, you guys. This is hard. Is Lindsay a prostitute? Is she not a prostitute? She’s so misunderstood. Just like her dad.

Because here’s what happened: there was this new story all about how Lindsay is getting paid to go on dates with rich dudes. Or, ok, obviously the story wasn’t new, but this quote from Michael Lohan was:

“She is getting paid to date rich men. Dina is pimping her out – it’s disgusting!”

But just shut your stupid mouths, because he never, ever said that, ok? Not ever. Not in a million years. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan is NOT banging rich dudes for money … despite reports she’s a highly paid escort — so says her father.

Michael Lohan is quoted in the reports in question, saying Lindsay is “getting paid to date rich men.” According to the reports, these dates last for several days and the men shower her with lavish gifts like jewelry.

One alleged client is the third in line for the throne of Brunei, who allegedly paid Lindsay $100,000 to celebrate New Year’s with him in London.

But Michael insists he was misquoted — telling TMZ, “By absolutely NO MEANS did I ever make such a statement … EVER!”

He adds, “Sure, Lindsay and [other celebs] make personal appearances and get paid for it! Sure, she and they get paid to go to birthday parties and other occasions! But for sex? Are you kidding me? I would never say that because she would NEVER do that and it NEVER happened!”

Oh, because Lindsay’s dad would be the first person she’d tell about it. Please. I don’t think that Lindsay would call herself a prostitute, but I don’t doubt that she’s making these “personal appearances,” and that sometimes the personal appearances take the form of dates, and sometimes, natch, dates lead to sex. How else does she ever have any money?

Ryan Gosling Loves to Knit

A photo of Ryan Gosling

Hey, girl. Let me ask you something, if that’s all right. Are you tired of guys who simply want to paw at your angel cushions and poke at your love chasm? Do you just want to say “hey, lover, I’m sore and I’d rather just a Kardashian show and knit”? Then please extend an invitation my way, girl. I’ll provide the yarn if you can provide the wine.

But no, really, Ryan Gosling really loves knitting:

Ryan Gosling’s perfect day involves knitting.

The ‘Gangster Squad’ actor has developed a love for creating garments out of needles and yarn as he thinks it’s a great way to relax after a hard day’s work.

He said: ”I did this scene in ‘Lars and the Real Girl’ where I was in a room full of old ladies who were knitting, and it was an all-day scene, so they showed me how. It was one of the most relaxing days of my life.

”If I had to design my perfect day, that would be it. And you get something out of it at the end. You get a nice present. For someone who wants an oddly shaped, off-putting scarf.”

However, Ryan’s life hasn’t always been so calm and says he got a love for showbiz after watching his uncle perform as an Elvis Presley impersonator.

He told Australia’s GQ magazine: ”When I was a kid, it [my uncle] was certainly the most interesting thing going on in the house. He made his own costumes, did all the sequins – it took months. And I became a bit like his shadow, helping him when I could. He was in the mirror, working on the voice and singing, and he [slowly] created this character, and then he put together an act and performed in a local talent show. And because I was so interested, he made me the head of security. As a joke.”

Is this man even real?

Taylor Swift Hit on Bradley Cooper, Bradley Cooper Was Like “LOL, No”

A photo of Bradley Cooper

From Radar:

You just know there’s another song that’s going to written from this: Taylor Swift wants to hook up with Bradley Cooper, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively.  And now the superstar singer has asked  pal Jennifer Lawrence to introduce her to Silver Linings Playbook co-star Bradley.

The newly single 23-year-old country music singer desperately wants to date the hunky Hangover actor and has begged Jennifer, 22, to set up them up. However, when Jennifer sounded Bradley, 38, out about Taylor he said he wasn’t interested and that she was too young for him!

“Bradley has absolutely no intention of getting together with Taylor,” a source told RadarOnline.com.

“First of all, her reputation precedes her. Bradley is very wary of dating someone who is a bit of a serial dater like Taylor.

“He thinks she’s far too young for him and wants to date someone his own age, not 16-years younger because he’s ready for something serious.

“It was a little awkward for Bradley . Jennifer came to him and told him that Taylor was interested in getting together. He had to politely decline, knowing full well that Jennifer and Taylor are friends. It was an ambitious move from Taylor, but she’s going to have fixate on someone else as Bradley’s just not that into her,” the source divulged.

Oh my gosh, you guys, excuse me while I laugh all over the place. I’m laughing so much because I know in my heart that this happened, and that Bradley Cooper‘s face throughout the whole thing was hilarious. Oh, and also because I’m sure Jennifer Lawrence was awkward about it.

The only thing that doesn’t make me laugh is the thought of how Taylor took the rejection. Hint: I’m sure it wasn’t good. Extra hint: let’s all hope that Taylor doesn’t know how to make legit voodoo dolls.

Let’s Talk About Britney Spears’ Breakup Again

A photo of Britney Spears

Look, I need you guys to get real with me for a minute: do you care this much about Britney Spears‘ broken engagement? Because I really do. I think it’s super interesting, and I’ve always been curious about the creepy specifics of her conservatorship. What I’m saying is that I’d love to talk about this story whenever there are new rumors out, but if it’s too much, I’m willing to listen to you guys. How much do you want to hear about Britney?

Anyway, here are more details about what happened. It’s from People, so know that it’s probably legit:

Britney Spears once believed in a fairy-tale ending for herself and Jason Trawick. But by mid-December, she was no longer wearing her engagement ring, and she knew it just wasn’t going to happen, a source close to her family tells PEOPLE.

“Britney spent Christmas in L.A. with [sons] Preston and Jayden. Jason was around for parts of the holiday, but it was very obvious that they were not really together anymore,” the source says.

“They were not affectionate and instead just seemed to keep things going for the boys’ sake. Britney looked a bit gloomy and tense over the holidays.”

Trawick, 41, moved out after the holidays, and the couple officially announced their split last Friday.

Having dated her former agent since 2009,and been engaged for a year, Spears, 31, had been talking a lot about her wedding last summer. “But lately she acted like she knew it would not happen,” the source says. “She hasn’t talked about her wedding plans in a couple of months.”

That was quite a change from the early months of her engagement, when Spears was very focused on wedding planning. “She would spend hours online looking at dresses and dreaming,” says the source.

Another source says the pair’s problems were significant enough that they had never set a wedding date.

“Britney wanted to rush in, but there were things that needed to improve before they got to that place,” this source says.

“They love each other, but like any relationship, and especially this one, there were some major challenges and hurdles and constant work that needed to be done. At the end of the day, it just wasn’t working, and things were’t going to change, so it was time to let go.”

I think this story sort of goes against the story about how Jason had to enlist Britney’s dad to help in the breakup, don’t you? Like, this story makes it sound like Britney is actually aware of what’s going on around her. I could see a mixture of the two stories being true – like Britney understood what was happening, but her conservators are trying their best to keep her as dependent on them as possible, so they treated her much more delicately than they needed to – so that’s good, I guess.

Poor Britney.

Jennifer Lopez “Would Love” to Have More Babies

A photo of Jennifer Lopez

And so it begins. And by “it,” of course I mean Jennifer Lopez‘s campaign to get Casper Smart‘s sperm inside of her baby factory. It’s going to come hard and fast, just like … oh god, I can’t even finish that joke.

Before we get too far into this, here’s what Jennifer actually said:

“I would love to have more. I don’t know if it’s in the cards for me, but I would love it.”

There’s no word on if she was holding Casper’s hand when she gave this quote, squeezing it hard and looking right into his eyes, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case. I think we all realize how hard Jennifer goes when she wants to lock a dude down, and it looks like she’s pretty set on Casper, for some reason. So basically, expect a proposal and a pregnancy announcement within the next six months. I’m going to go ahead and call that. Mark your calendars, because it’s going down.

Jessica Simpson Got Her Own Sitcom!

A photo of Jessica Simpson

When I think about the things that the world needs, a sitcom starring Jessica Simpson, based on her life, is actually pretty high up there. It’s probably like no more wars, more equality, less poverty, Jessica Simpson sitcom. In that order.

Luckily, Jessica herself has realized this, and so did some people who could make it happen. So it’s happening. Yes.

From Us Weekly:

Ready for your closeup, Jess? Second-time mom-to-be Jessica Simpson is set to star in an NBC comedy pilot presentation inspired by her own her life, Deadline reports.

The project, which does not yet have a title, will be a fictionalized version of the singer-turned-actress-turned-fashion mogul’s colorful life in the public eye. It is being produced by Universal Television and Electus, the company behind Simpson’s other current TV series, Fashion Star.

“We are thrilled to team up with the multitalented Jessica Simpson to bring this new sitcom to life on NBC as she is truly a modern-day Lucy with incredible comedic chops,” Electus founder and chairman Ben Silverman said. “From running a fashion empire to wrangling her public image as a new mom, we see Jessica’s character approach a variety of ‘everyday’ circumstances that will get audiences laughing out loud.”

“I am so excited to work with Ben and NBC again, this time on a scripted comedy,” Simpson, 32, added of the semi-autobiographical venture. “I often find myself thinking that no one could ever make up the things that actually happen in my life, so between the real life elements and a great team of writers, I think we’ll have people laughing.”

If crying over this announcement, clearing out my schedule completely for the next few months in anticipation of the airing of the first episode, and preparing to make the perfect buttered Pop-tart in her honor is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.