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“It’s funny because usually it’s the girl who’s naked. I was like, ‘That’s right, bitch. The tables are turned!’ ”

The ever-eloquent Drew Barrymore on her latest film, Going the Distance, and her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Justin Long, showcasing his dong in the very same movie.

Justin Long dong. Justin Long’s penis, balls, and/or ass. OK, now. Say it with me: Eurrgh!

July 28, 2010 at 6:30 am by Sarah

4How Completely and Utterly Surprising

So, Bristol Palin has decided to suck even more fame from her surroundings by discussing, now, how she told her mama dukes that she and Levi Johnston were “re-engaged.” Bristol, naturally, sits with Us Weekly and dishes on what it was like breaking the news to former Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin (though I was under the impression that Brisol and Levi had done the initial interview about getting back together and claimed that Sarah didn’t know — even at that point? Oh, fuck it, I’m confused and it’s all because there’s a Palin involved.):

You said you were really scared to tell your mom. How did it go?
I just called her. I said, “Hey, mom, I have something to tell you. Levi and I got engaged.” So she didn’t find out from the magazine.

Her reaction?
She’s apprehensive and concerned about this. She doesn’t want to see me get hurt again. She knew Levi and I had been talking, but she wanted to know if Levi was really sincere about this. I told her we were working on our relationship for Tripp, and she told me, “Actions will speak louder than words.”…

So how is your family reacting to the news?
What I’ve done is starting to sink in, and every family member of mine has so many concerns – and that is scaring me. My dad is on the same page as my mom: They don’t want to see me get hurt. They don’t want to see again what I already went through with Levi… people are more worried for me than they are excited.

Have the cautious reactions made you consider a longer engagement?
Yeah, definitely. I’m realizing now, the more people talk about an actual wedding, how much work it’ll be. And I know Levi and I have a lot to do to rebuild this relationship.

Some still speculate you got engaged only because you’re pregnant.
Levi and I both said we won’t have sex until marriage, and so there is no possible way I am pregnant.

Others say your engagement is a publicity stunt to get a reality show.
We get offers all the time to do reality shows, but it’s not for me. I don’t think I’d ever consider it. It wouldn’t suit our lifestyle, and I don’t want that invasion of privacy.

What if Levi wanted to do one without you?
We haven’t really addressed it, but I don’t think he would want to because it’s not in anyone’s interest to have a camera crew around all the time.

… Yeah, OK, guys.

July 27, 2010 at 9:30 am by Sarah

7So, Will This, or Will This Not, Suck?

This is the movie that positively screams, “Vanessa Hudgens still has a career!” Remember her? The dour-faced girl that bangs Zac Efron? Yeah, I had to Google her, too. (I’m kidding; I did not have to Google Vanessa Hudgens. I have High School Musical posters all over my bedroom, duh!)

Sucker Punch, the latest creation directed by Zack Snyder, features Hudgens, Abbie Cornish (who used to date Ryan Phillippe), Jena Malone and Emily Browning, among other notable actresses, and this was the movie that Vanessa Hudgens was referring to when she said she was doing a project that involved physical training by Navy SEALs.

In all honesty, the trailer doesn’t completely blow, and Emily Browning in A Series of Unfortunate Events totally rocked my world. Maybe Vanessa can finally shed that pesky High School Musical thing and become a real actress. You saw what Footloose did for Kevin Bacon’s career, am I right? That fucker’s got his own six degrees of separation.

Anyway. Will you see this movie?

July 27, 2010 at 8:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Vanessa Hudgens

6Paris Hilton Goes Off the Rails Again

Crazy. Two Paris Hilton posts in a week, guys. It’s like a redux of 2005! And 2006! And 2007! And I’m loving it!

Paris Hilton, who was always one of my favorite celebrity targets, has shed her guise of chaste and demure sobriety, and was photographed on her latest vacation partying it up circa the days of the Trifecta of Trouble (read: back when Lindsay, Britney and Paris were all chummy-chums), and it’s fabulous.

The photos speak for themselves, and clearly everything — and everyone — has come full circle.

Sometimes? Life is amazing.

July 27, 2010 at 7:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Paris Hilton

7Michael Lohan is Far More Disgusting Than You Ever Imagined

You know, just when you thought Michael Lohan couldn’t sink any further (and how much further could you sink after kicking a girlfriend in a crotch, and then another girlfriend in the face?), he goes and outdoes himself: it’s been confirmed that Michael sold naked, sleeping photos of his (I’m assuming “ex”) fiancee, Kate Major, in an attempt to retaliate after she went public with abuse claims.

The photos were said to be taken this past April, and were done without knowledge — or approval — of Kate, who is now considering criminal charges against Lohan.

As for Michael? He definitely thinks that his reprehensible actions are justifiable:

“She [Kate] has no money, no job and she’s been living off of me for the last 8 months… and her dad just cut her off. If she doesn’t stop the nonsense, more and more will come out. I am tired of being used and people who need to make up stories to make money off others. I have more important issues to deal with than Kate Major.”

What a stellar, stellar man. I hear there’s a cell open next to his daughter; maybe the two could bunk up and get some quality time in. I mean, if this isn’t some kind of sexual violation that’s deserving of jail time, I don’t know what is.

Way to go, fuckhead.

July 27, 2010 at 6:30 am by Sarah

4Of Course There’s Another Mel Gibson Tape

If it’s a day ending in “y,” you can bet your sweet ass that there’s (another) Mel Gibson tape floating around the interwebs, just waiting for a rapt audience to hoot and holler at his misogynistic and racially-motivated antics.

RadarOnline has the latest audio, which you can listen to here, but in case you’re at work, or have small children in the vicinity, I’ve taken the liberty of transcribing the audio to text (OK, I lied, it was merely an exercise of the magic of CTRL+C and CTRL+V) so you can read his rant, rather than have to subject yourself to the gruffness of Mel’s psychoticisms. (Yes, that’s a word because I just happened to invent it. Now.)

Jump in to read the text!


July 26, 2010 at 9:30 am by Sarah