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7Paris Totally Wants to Party with the Taliban

Paris Hilton

Earlier this week, Paris Hilton somehow met the wife of British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. America’s unofficial Ambassador to the World (it’s sad, but it’s true) later talked about how she liked Tony Blair better, how Tory leader David Cameron is “not hot,” and how she would bring about world peace if she were elected President.

Prime Minister’s wife Sarah Brown described Paris Hilton as “smart” and “caring” after they met this week in Los Angeles while the heiress in turn gushed that Mrs Brown was “inspirational”.
…And as for her own plans if, God forbid, [Paris] ever becomes President? She’d “definitely try and make peace with the countries we are fighting. I’d throw a party so they could all get along and stop the war.”

Of course! Why didn’t I see it before now? Remixed versions of “Blue Monday” and body shots are the answers to all the world’s problems!!

Why the hell is Paris Hilton meeting with with the wife of the Prime Minister? And why do I think of this song by The Stanglers every time I write the name “Gordon Brown?”

May 9, 2009 at 9:53 am by Kelly
Filed Under: Paris Hillton

18Oprah Destroys KFC

No, Oprah did not go into her local Kentucky Fried Chicken and rip tables and booths in half with her bare hands in a fit of extra tasty crispy fried chicken-craving rage… Although I wish she had.

On last Tuesday’s Oprah show, the would-be saint announced a deal she had partnered with KFC to promote. Customers and Oprah devotees could download a coupon and bring it into KFC for a free two piece meal of their new Kentucky Grilled Chicken (a product whose slogan should be “Kentucky GRILLED Chicken? What’s the Point?”).

The promotion was originally supposed to run through May 19th, but it seems like the chicken pluckers underestimated the Oprah effect. Similar to the butterfly effect, the Oprah effect mandates that if Oprah flaps her underarm fat in a field in Africa, blindly devoted wildebeests American consumers will stampede to buy whatever product she’s currently promoting and a giant thunderstorm will brew inside KFCs all across North America.

The overwhelming response to the promotion–which included long lines and clashes between tired employees and hungry customers– has led KFC to put the free meal deal on temporary hiatus. Customers can bring in their free meal coupon and fill out a form to receive a new coupon in the mail which they can redeem for a free meal and a free Pepsi at a later date. I love the video above because the PR team directed KFC president Roger Eaton to sound really excited and happy when he says “We can’t redeem your free coupon at this time!” Yaaay! I suspect that might not even be the real President of KFC. I think he’s a plant, because the PR people understand that almost anything sounds like a good idea when it’s being said by a happy, excited Aussie.

If you don’t feel like filling out a voucher and waiting for your new free chicken coupon to show up in the mail, you can just go into El Pollo Loco, who is capitalizing on KFC’s gaffe by promising to honor KFC’s coupon for free chicken– on Mother’s Day no less. What better way to thank your mother for squeezing you out of her vagina and selflessly putting up with decades of your crap than by taking her to El Pollo Loco for some free coupon chicken?

May 9, 2009 at 9:26 am by Kelly
Filed Under: Oprah, Oprah Winfrey

7Get on the Floor and Do the New Kids Dance

This weekend, I am living in the past.

Last night, by a strange twist of fate, I ended up at the Happy Days off Broadway musical, where I spent a few hours trying to figure out whether they were making fun of Happy Days or celebrating it, and consequently, trying to decide whether I wanted to stay till the end of the show or just leave and go get blindingly drunk at a nearby bar. I could never decide– I don’t think the cast could either. All I know is  that through two and a half hours of lyrics like “I’ll take you dancing on the moon,” no one jumped a single freaking  shark, and that’s just plain annoying.

Later today, I’ll be going to see a Star Trek movie based on the original series, which is something I haven’t done since 1991.

All this retro craziness began Friday morning when the New Kids on the Block performed “Hangin’ Tough” on the Today Show to a crowd of screaming women and gay men–just like old times. I watched this and had instantaneous post traumatic flashbacks of the first concert I ever went to, which was, of course, a NKOTB concert. I went with my friend Yari, who got so excited when they came on stage that she choked me until I blacked out. We were in the third grade.

I was always a Jon girl, and it’s nice to see that, like Harison Ford in that Tomb scene at the end of Last Crusade, I have chosen wisely. He’s aged well and doesn’t reek of having pickled his liver in pills and booze the way the rest of them have… with the exception of Jordan. Jordan seems like his addictions would trend more towards Botox and oxygen bars.

Oh, and Danny still looks like a monkey.

Well, got to go tease my bangs, put on my new Roos, and head out to Topkapi so I can buy some new slap bracelets.

May 9, 2009 at 8:52 am by Kelly

23Brother of American Idol Winner David Cook Dies of Brain Cancer

American Idol winner david cook brother adam cook dies of cancer

American Idol winner David Cook lost his brother, Adam Cook, early Sunday morning to the cancer he had been battling for 11 years. The disease had spread to his spine and the 36 year old father of two was suffering from a large brain tumor.

David Cook made the announcement later the very same day while presiding as honorary chairman at the 12th Annual Race for Hope 5K event in Washington, D.C., an event which raises money to fund brain cancer research.

“I actually lost my brother yesterday to a brain tumor, and I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else right now,” Cook told the crowd. His team raised more than $97,000 for the event. “I lost one today,” Cook said, “but I gained 9,000, and I will be here every year that they will have me.”

May 3, 2009 at 4:29 pm by Kelly
Filed Under: David Cook

17‘Circus’ Is Proving to Be the Most Appropriately Named Tour Ever

Continuing the string of crazy incidents and mishaps that have been the hallmark of Britney Spears’  Circus tour, last night a fan at the Mohegan Sun Arena in Connecticut pulled a Lindsay Lohan and rushed the stage. He was able to get disturbingly close to Britney before a backup dancer began pushing him off stage and security rushed in.

Chances are that it was just some drunken idiot who wanted to be part of the show, but Britney was visibly shaken. She quickly recovered and went on to finish the encore performance of her song “Womanizer”.

I

May 3, 2009 at 4:14 pm by Kelly
Filed Under: Britney Spears

53Miss USA Pageant Paid for Miss California to Get Breast Implants

carrie prejean miss usa paid for breast implants

They already had Donald Trump, Perez Hilton, and Miss California herself, but apparently three giant boobs just weren’t enough for the Miss USA pageant, so the pageant decided to pay for two more.

This past Friday on CBS’s The Early Show, a Miss California pageant official confirmed that the organization paid for Carrie Prejean to get breast implants a few weeks before the Miss USA pageant finals.

California pageant Co-director Keith Lewis stated that “We assisted when Carrie came to us and voiced the interest in having the procedure done…We want[ed] to put her in the best possible confidence in order to present herself in the best possible light on a national stage.”

Apparently building “confidence” means undergoing a potentially dangerous and painful surgery to make your tits bigger. Perhaps I could learn a little something from Carrie. I should probably give up on trying to feel good about the body god has given me and opt instead for the sweetest plastic rack money can buy.

If they wanted her to “present herself in the best possible light,” maybe they should have skipped the silicone implants and tried doing a little Q & A practice session instead.

Also, judging by the picture above, I think the Miss California pageant organization might want to demand their money back. The only boob I see in that picture is Carrie Prejean herself.

May 3, 2009 at 10:29 am by Kelly
Filed Under: Carrie Prejean