It’s that time of year, friends. It’s the time when a great deal of us will give and receive gifts to celebrate a significant religious event or to go along with other people who are celebrating a significant religious event so we can get presents too, or just because it feels nice to decorate trees and bake cookies and feel like other people actually believe in peace on earth and goodwill towards men. It’s The Holidays, friends. The big ones.
And that’s where Gwyneth Paltrow comes in. She understands the situation that a lot of you are in: you’re poor people with no sense of style or decorum, but you still have to give presents to people so they’ll still like you and invite you to their parties. She understands, and she wants to help. And that’s why she wants you to buy this shit on her site!
If you go on over to Goop, you can check out the holiday items that Gwyneth has to offer. There aren’t any elaborate gifts or anything like that, no, Gwyneth wants you to focus on the important stuff. And that’s the presentation.
Here are some cards that she wants you to buy. There are ten of them, and, as you can see, they read “Happy Everything,” so you can send them to pretty much whoever. And all ten cards come with that nice brown envelope pictured! For just $30, these cards can be yours:
But here’s the big thing: the presents! They need to be presented well, and they need to look good. And that’s why you need this Goopy wrapping paper! If you order this, you get four whole rolls of reversible paper, and 18 whole tags! The best part? It will just cost you $52! Check it out:
Does it feel like we’re forgetting something? It’s because we are! It’s those wonderful holiday family portraits! Gwyneth isn’t about to leave you high and dry on that front, so she’s offering you a pack of 50 cards (all with their own envelopes again!), and all you have to do is slap your picture on it and send it off! This little package will only run you $150. But, as you can see, it’s so worth it:
Thanks, Gwyneth! You never fail us!
November 5, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Emily
I’m sorry, I just love Snooki so much. I love how much she loves that precious baby, I love how happy she looks, and I love that she doesn’t give a shit about not having a face full of makeup and a body covered in self tanner anymore. I think this is all just so wonderful, and I love it.
And isn’t it just so much fun to see how different some people look without makeup? It is, right? Just think about what Snooki looked like when we first saw her. That huge hair, the deep orange tone of her skin. All that makeup. Did you ever think we would get to where we are today with this girl?
Probably just disregard all this if, for some reason, you still hate her. Instead of fawning over her, you can take this time to go grow a soul or something.
November 5, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily
Is it safe to say that LeAnn Rimes doesn’t really have a career anymore? No, I know that she’s talented, and I know she still does shows, but we all know that several famous people refuse to quit reaching for the spotlight after their star has faded, and I think we can all agree that these days, LeAnn Rimes is known for her crazy face as opposed to her music. So why would someone want her to do a TV show?
Because someone wants her to do America’s Got Talent. Someone wants LeAnn Rimes to be a judge on one of those televised talent shows, just like Britney Spears and Mariah Carey before her. Can you even imagine? Did these people not watch her interview with Katie Couric?
For what it’s worth, Shannen Doherty and Carly Simon are also up for the job, so, you know. Yeah, no, I don’t either.
I’ll give them this though: I would watch LeAnn Rimes on reality TV for days. I would sit ever so still for hours upon hours, just watching the everlasting trainwreck that is LeAnn Rimes opening and closing her mouth while forming words. And I would love it. So good decision?
November 5, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily
Yes, I’m talking about that party at the Playboy Mansion that they brought their baby to, and no, the photo above is not from that. The photo above is from some event several months back. But this photo, this one right below this paragraph, the one I’m about to show you? This is what Kelsey Grammer and his lady love, Kayte Walsh, dressed up as for Halloween:
Kelsey said that he “threw together an uninspired Dracula,” which, yeah, but that Kayte was a witch, and that “her hat was missing as she had removed it because her wig was itching and it was hot.” But Kayte’s a blonde already, and even if she wasn’t, what would even be the point of wearing a wig? And what’s with that thing on her nose?
I just … I don’t even know. Yeah, this is the same thing that Avril Lavigne’s ex did, and that was weird too, but this is just downright creepy and uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because they made this questionable decision while making the questionable decision of bringing their little baby to a party at the Playboy Mansion, or maybe it’s because Kelsey absolutely refuses to stop talking smack about Camille in interviews. Either way, it’s really f-cking weird, and someone needs to school Kelsey on what kind of behavior is acceptable and what kind of behavior isn’t.
And just so this isn’t the last image you have of Halloween this year, here’s a photo of Neil Patrick Harris and his family:
November 2, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Who could forget this charming story? One of our very favorite famous fathers, Michael Lohan, was in charge of sending one of our very favorite famous mothers, Octomom, to rehab. Michael claimed that Octomom’s manager reached out to him and told him about Octomom’s problem with Xanax, and Michael was like “no problem, I got this.” He staged her intervention, and he set up a treatment program for her.
Except apparently this never happened.
Here’s the statement from Octomom’s rep:
“Michael Lohan’s only participation in this was that he gave me a number to a California rehab. [The TMZ story] also said that Michael and I arranged the treatment, which is not correct. Nadya wanted to check herself into treatment and came to me for help and I got her in.”
Right? But here’s what Michael said about that:
“I was contacted by Gina Rodriguez [Octomom's rep] to put together a TREATMENT PLAN and FACILITY for Nadya! Those things only! The most important thing is the willingness to realize and surrender to the issue and commit to getting help! Nadya was willing to!”
So it sounds like someone’s fibbing here, doesn’t it? And after this little exchange of statements, Octomom herself took a brief break from rehab to make her own:
“I chose to seek treatment after consulting with my manager regarding my recent use of Xanax, which was prescribed by my physician for panic attacks. There were no other people involved with me entering treatment other than my manager and myself. There was no intervention that took place. I am working in therapy every day with my doctors and therapists regarding the origin of these attacks so as not to have to rely on medications to handle it. I am paying for my own treatment; I am finding my voice here.”
This forces us to ask a very tough question: who is more trustworthy, Michael Lohan or Octomom?
November 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Emily
Well, don’t get too excited. It’s actually a song by Borgore, but it does feature Miley Cyrus. She shows up about halfway through, then starts throwing cake everywhere and spreading it all over her boobs and looking hot as hell. Yeah, but really. When did Miley get so hot? Is it the haircut? It’s probably the haircut.
Another fun fact: that unicorn that Miley’s making out with? That’s Liam Hemsworth. It’s Liam Hemsworth wearing a unicorn mask. And now I’m super bummed to think that my day peaked three hours after I woke up.
Oh, and the song itself, how do you feel about it? I feel pretty much just like “whatever.” The chorus is catchy though, right? I don’t know, I’m still hung up on the Liam Hemsworth unicorn.