Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Look, It’s The Kardashian Kristmas Kard!

A photo of the Kardashian family Christmas card

Because we all know that it’s not Christmastime until we see how the Kardashians and the Jenners decided to come together for their annual Christmas card.

There’s a couple of interesting things here, I guess. Obviously, Kanye isn’t there, which is extremely upsetting, and also surprising. Don’t they realize how much more press they would get with this is he was on there? There’s not any trouble in Kimye paradise, is there? Heaven forbid Kim lose the latest love of her life, especially when she’s still married to her last one. Can you even imagine?

I guess the only other interesting thing is how much people care about these cards every year. When I was trying to find the best version of this photo, I found dozens and dozens of other blogs and news sites that already got the tip last night, and I don’t get it. And you know I’m not trying to do a big “why do people care about celebrities?” thing, or even a “why do people care about the Kardashians?” thing. People care about them because it’s fun to gossip, duh. But I don’t get why people care so much about these Christmas cards specifically. Is it just so we can speculate about Kim’s love life? Or to see what Bruce Jenner‘s face is up to? Because I can understand that. But otherwise, what’s the appeal?

It’s not Kim’s stupid greased back hair, that’s for sure.

Lindsay Lohan Is Now Available for Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

Oh my goodness, isn’t this exciting?! I’ve just started planning my own wedding! All I have so far is my ideal venue, my bridesmaids, colors (probably) and a date (tentatively). Basically, I’m turning out to be the worst at wedding planning, which actually isn’t all that surprising, seeing as how I’m the worst at regular planning.

But guys, now that I know that Lindsay Lohan, THE Lindsay Lohan, is now available to make appearances at weddings? Nothing else matters.

From Page Six:

Facing money woes, a staggering tax bill and alleged delinquency on her storage locker full of personal possessions, is Lindsay Lohan’s scrambling to make some cash?

A talent company claiming to represent the troubled actress wants us to know their client is available for weddings and Bat Mitzvahs.

Page Six received an email pitch from 123Talent with the subject line “Book One of Hollywood’s Biggest Movie Stars Lindsay Lohan Now!” offering us the opportunity to request the presence of Lohan herself at whatever event or venue.

In bright pink lettering, the email reminds us that “Not only is Lindsay an Actress but she is also a Fashion Designer, Model and Recording Artist.” Perhaps adding “Jail Bait” didn’t have much of a ring to it.

The email, which also includes a hastily photoshopped composite of the star, goes on to list all of Lohan’s film and television stints — even ones we’d rather forget — from “The Parent Trap” to “I Know Who Killed Me,” from “Life Size” to “Liz & Dick.”

We’ve reached out to Lohan’s rep and have not received an immediate response on the authenticity of the email.

If I slip her an extra dollar, do you think she could be our officiant?

Victoria Jackson Is The Worst Person Ever

A photo of Victoria Jackson

Ok, I’m sure that Victoria Jackson isn’t the worst person ever. Not really. I’m sure that there are plenty of people in the world who are worse than Victoria Jackson. I can think of four or five right off the top of my head. But right now, right at this very moment in time, I am enraged, and right now, to me, Victoria Jackson is worse than everyone.

This is going to make you angry, I think. I almost didn’t even talk about this, but it just pissed me off too much, and I have to share it so that I feel less alone in this empty pit of rage.

This is about the shooting in Connecticut, and what Victoria Jackson had to say about it. If you need to sit this one out, I understand. If not, let’s get to it.

Here are things that Victoria said on her Facebook following the shooting:

Obama dramatically wiped a tear as he said, “The majority of those who died today were children — beautiful little kids … They had their entire lives ahead of them — birthdays, graduations, weddings, kids of their own…”

YEAH OBAMA. SAME AS THE MILLION BABIES YOU HAD ABORTED THIS YEAR.

ARE YOU CRYING FOR THEM?!

And this:

TV News can’t figure out why all these 20 year olds are murdering. The school system taught them they are animals (evolution) for the last 20 years. Survival of the fittest. They’re just acting like animals.

And this:

Lord, please comfort the grieving and please let our nation invite you back into our families so this evil won’t happen again. In Jesus name, amen.

F-ck you, Victoria Jackson.

Obama didn’t have babies aborted. He doesn’t have a uterus, so he can’t have any babies aborted. He also can’t make laws all by himself, because that’s not how this government works. Oh, and also this: an abortion is not the same thing as murdering a six-year-old child, you ignorant bitch.

WE ARE ANIMALS. We just are. Humans are animals. We’ve built a bigger society than other animals, and we’ve gotten more advanced with our communication, but we are most certainly animals. I really hate that I have to explain this.

I also hate that I have to explain that the U.S. was not founded on Christianity, because it wasn’t. Pilgrims came here for religious freedom. Thomas Jefferson, the guy who wrote most of the Declaration of Independence, which is a pretty big deal, wasn’t even a Christian. This tragedy has absolutely nothing to do with “taking God out of our schools,” and I don’t even understand why people think that.

If I see one more Photoshopped picture of Jesus floating over a classroom with a caption like “I wish they would let me in there with you,” or if I hear one more person mention that this shooting, the one in Aurora, and Columbine all happened in liberal states that are working on gun control, then I will lose my f-cking mind. Yes, we need to take a good hard look on what we can do to prevent this kind of thing. But it doesn’t have anything to do with bringing religion back to public schools or your weird political agenda.

Victoria’s stance also says that guns are not the problem, but in the wise words of Eddie Izzard, “guns don’t kill people, people kill people, but I think the gun helps.” And on that note, let’s all go watch Eddie Izzard clips and try to regain the ability to feel feelings. Sound good?