Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Jack Sparrow Attempts to Aid A Young Pirate in Mutiny

A photo of Johnny Depp

Photo via People

All right, see that picture?  That’s Jack Sparrow (I know that I should say that it’s Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow, but no, I’m going to stick with character names, you’ll see why momentarily) and a couple of his pirate buddies, and that little girl is nine-year-old Beatrice Delap, pirate-in-training.  Beatrice, in need of some assistance, wrote a letter to Captain Jack Sparrow, one of the best pirates ever, and said that “”We are a bunch of budding young pirates. Normally we’re a right handful, but we’re having trouble mutinying against the teachers. We’d love it if you could come and help.”  And back on Wednesday, Beatrice became the most popular girl at her school:

To gasps and a “wow” from little Beatrice, he surprised the children by strolling into a hastily-convened assembly (the school was only given ten minute’s notice). Depp proffered the letter, which she’d written after visiting the film set.

“He asked where I was in the audience. I put my hand up and then I had to go up and he gave me a hug,” Beatrice told London Tonight TV news. “He said, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t mutiny today because there are police outside monitoring me.’ ”

She concurred: “I said, ‘Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.’ “

I’m trying to think of something that would have been on this level when I was nine, but I’m having trouble with that.  I mean, I try not to throw this word around, but this sounds like a pretty epic event.  And seriously, as if Johnny Depp needed to give the world another reason to love him.

Caption This: Courtney Love Looks Too Good to Be Sad

A photo of Courtney Love

So what’s happening in this picture is Courtney Love is galavanting around shows for the Paris Fashion Week, looking classy as fuck. She’s not making a scene, she’s not wearing extremely unflattering clothes.  I’ve been studying this picture for a while now, and I can’t find a single thing trashy about her here.  You guys, she’s even wearing pearls.   Pearls. Maybe this really is a brand new Courtney (for public, anyway).

But just look at how sad she looks.  The girl is in Paris, looking super cute, and there’s even a reasonably attractive young man nearby holding a bunch of heart-shaped balloons – there is absolutely no reason to be making that kind of frowny face.  Except I think that Courtney knows it isn’t right.  She knows that she’s flying too close to the sun with this one, and that it’s only a matter of time before her pearl-encrusted wings melt away and she falls back down to reality.

James Franco in Drag – Do You Need More Words?

A photo of James Franco

Ok, I’ll give you a couple more words, but really, just look at the picture for a minute.  Doesn’t James Franco make such a dramatic-looking woman?  Like if you gave him some finger waves, he could totally be banging Humphrey Bogart?

This is definitely what looks like another awesome photo shoot by Terry Richardson, and it’s for Candy, a newish magazine that refers to itself as “the first fashion magazine ever completely dedicated to celebrating transvestism, transexuality, cross dressing and androgyny, in all its manifestations.”  In related news, I am incredibly excited for the future.

A photo of James Franco and Terry Richardson

Justin Bieber to Host That Classic MTV Show …

A photo of Justin Bieber

Punk’d. Justin Bieber is going to be the new host of Punk’d.

This news hit me in waves.  I was like “oh, I always love Justin Bieber news.  Wait, they’re bringing back Punk’d?  I wonder if Ashton … oh no!”  And then my brain synced all the information together, and then it promptly exploded.  That’s how great this news is.

Things aren’t set in stone yet – according to the original article, Bieber “has been all but officially tapped as the host” of the revival of Punk’d.  And just in case you’re wondering, good ol’ Ashton Kutcher is going to be on hand as the executive producer of the show, so natch Ashton would be dropping by for some on-air shenanigans.  Let’s just take a moment to consider the overwhelming douchiness that would invade the entire planet with the prankster team of Bieber and Kutcher. And now let’s consider the “celebrities” that weren’t famous when the original edition of Punk’d was around …

Justin Bieber and Ashton Kutcher are going to bring about the End Times by pranking the entire cast of Jersey Shore and releasing the most powerful douchiness the world has ever known at once in 2012.  And that’s just the way it’s going to have to be.

Quotables: Katherine Heigl Doesn’t Think She’s That Bad

A photo of Katherine Heigl

“I’ve been told I’m too forthright with opinions. Well do they want a fierce woman or milquetoast? Should I be me, or should I pretend to be something I think people want? Pretending seems pretty ridiculous to me. I didn’t think that what I was was so bad that I needed to hide it.”

- Katherine Heigl getting real.

If you read the interview, it’s pretty clear that the writer is on Katherine’s side.  He says that she’s “warm and genuine in person,” and he brushes off all those instances of diva attitude, claiming that Katherine “unwittingly created her image problem by being honest in interviews.”  Well, ok.  I mean, it’s obviously not like I know the woman, and I don’t really have strong feelings about her at all (except for when I go through my biannual Johnny Knoxville obsession and watch The Ringer a couple of times a week for a month, then I halfway care about her), but I think that when the people you work with feel the need to make public statements about how unprofessional and undeserving you are, then maybe there’s a problem.

By the way, and I can’t cite this or anything so you’re just going to have to trust me, but if you listen to the commentary of The Ringer with Johnny Knoxville, the director, the screenwriter, a producer, and a couple other actors (not including Katherine Heigl), there’s this bit where they’re talking about how awesome she was.  They’re all “Katie!  Katie Heigl!  Love her!” and then Johnny Knoxville’s like “yeah, she was great before she got all -” and the director cuts him off with a quiet “hey, let’s not do that,” and then Johnny does this pointed little “SO ANYWAY” move.  Suspicious, right?

The point is, Katherine, there’s a comfortable space between being completely passive and a raving bitch, and if a good number of the people you’ve worked with think you’re leaning towards the latter, then maybe it’s time to check yourself.

Tyra Banks Thinks It’s OK to Accessorize Like This

A photo of Tyra Banks

This is a photo of Tyra Banks.  Do you see those people behind her?  That’s the public.  She wore some damn fishnet over her head in public – to the 90th anniversary party for French Vogue, no less.  I bet she was super smug with herself while she was getting ready for this event, like she just grabbed up some of those super cheap stockings in those quarter machine capsules and when she got home she had a stroke of “genius” and made a mask, just like some small children playing Cops and Robbers with only their mother’s fetish wear to use for accessories.  But wait!  It wouldn’t be fair for me to bet on that, because I already know that’s what happened:

Banks didn’t get the look through an avant-garde designer. “It’s homemade,” she Tweeted.

After fans incorrectly guessed that the mask was underwear, a hair net, curtains and a “wig cap,” Banks explained, “mask is [some] cheap FISHNET stockings I got n crazy store n Paris! I cut em up n made it y’all.”

Banks added: “[I] did my own hair n makeup.”

Tyra, I love you.  I really, really do.  I still watch America’s Next Top Model, I still get excited when your episodes of Fresh Prince come on, and I still feel compelled to buy Cover Girl products because that mascara just looked so pretty when you wore it and smiled with your eyes.  But at this point, I love you like I love Seamus, the man that fell out of a second story window when he was a child and now spends his days riding around town on his bicycle – I think that you’re really a good person with great intentions, but every time I see you, I can’t help but think “there is no way that this person is completely there.”

Justin Timberlake Joins With Jimmy Fallon in The Most Amazing Medley

If you’ve ever thought anything along the lines of “You know what would be a good thing?  If Justin Timberlake were to cover several of the most popular hip-hop songs ever,” then you are in luck.  Toss Jimmy Fallon in there, and I think I just made your dreams come true.

While JT was on Jimmy Fallon’s show to promote The Social Network, the boys ended up talking about the Sugarhill Gang, and from there they launched into what I think is one of the most powerful musical performances of the year.  The duo performed snippets of songs like “California Love” by Tupac, “Work It” by Missy Elliot, and Kanye’s “Gold Digger,” before finishing up with “Empire State of Mind.”  And it was just as magical as it sounds.

I think this performance proves two things:  Justin Timberlake needs to do the world a favor and come back to music, and Jimmy Fallon needs to stick solely to music.   Music is the only thing Jimmy Fallon can give to society.  I think it’s because he has to focus too much on technique and timing to consistently break character.