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1Happy Rapture, Everybody!

Are y’all psyched for the apocalypse or what?!  Heads are gonna motherfuckin’ roll, you guys.  I’m so pumped.  Last night, I had the perfect excuse to do my favorite things (make out and watch Zach Galifianakis movies, natch), and today I’m going to be completely worthless and offensive and terrible all day, and if anybody calls me out on it – suck it, I’m about to go to hell, I’ll do as I damn well please.

Sad facts though: the Rapture is supposed to start on May 21st at 6:00 PM, and some people say that it’s 6:00 PM in your specific timezone, so I guess Armageddon will just roll its way across the globe at a leisurely pace.  The thing is, it’s already been 6:00 PM on May 21st somewhere in the world, and so far everybody seems cool.  That particular theory could be wrong though, so I’m going to go ahead and wait for 6:00, east coast time, and give Jesus a good hour or so to show up, then I’m going to go to the drive-in or something.

Anyway, I know there are some people that want to hear their favorite celebrities’ outlook on the End Times, so I won’t deprive you of that any longer:

See, Pete Wentz, Zooey Deschanel, Roseanne, and Jonah Hill are all very solid people with really reliable opinions, so if you’re running around losing your damn mind over the end of the world, just follow one of these people’s advice and you should be just fine.

May 21, 2011 at 8:00 am by Emily

1Who’s Pumped for The Saturday Night Live Season Finale?

With musical guest Lady Gaga and host Justin Timberlake, it’s pretty obvious that this weekend’s season finale is going to be a big deal, right?  I mean, you know that we don’t particularly care for Lady Gaga around here, but JT always does a good job on SNL, so I’m going to be way optimistic about it.  Plus there’s a rumor that Justin and Andy Samberg are going to be reprising their glorious characters from the classic “Dick in a Box” skit, and you guys know how I feel about Andy Samberg making music.

Are you guys going to watch it on Saturday, or do you actually do things with your weekends?

May 20, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Emily

7Love It or Leave It: Courtney Love Does Cannes

A photo of Courtney Love

Courtney Love has been looking really good lately (well, in public, anyway), and I think it’s such a crying shame that she just went and threw all that away. I think someone who “doesn’t want to be perceived as a trainwreck” should be more careful when leaving her home and attending a major film festival.  Seriously, this looks less like high fashion and more like something I’d stitch together after a mild mental breakdown and a handful of vodka cranberries – and I would know, I’ve seen me do it.

Is it appropriate that I’m interpreting this dress as another sign of Courtney’s steady descent into crazy, or is it actually not that bad?

May 20, 2011 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Courtney Love

7Jessica Simpson Is Getting Married on 11/11/11 at 11:11

A photo of Jessica Simpson

You know how you can say a word or a phrase or something over and over and over, and then eventually, much like Jessica Simpson‘s upcoming wedding, it just doesn’t make sense? Weird, right?

Despite rumors to the contrary, Jessica and her fiance, Eric Johnson, are sailing along happily, and come November, they’ll declare their everlasting love with an extravagant wedding in Hawaii.  Cue Eric high fiving his bros for scoring the best meal ticket ever.

Here’s some more wedding details from In Touch via Celebitchy:

After months of stalling, Jessica Simpson has finally agreed to an “I do” date – 11:11 a.m. on November 11, 2011- and she plans to ensure that her nuptials with Eric Johnson, 31, become the new wedding of the century!

“Jessica will be spending upward of $1 million, easily,” a source close to the singer, 30, tells In Touch of the splashy affair, which will take place on the romantic Hawaiian island of Kauai.

The surprise announcement is a huge relief to Jessica’s friends, who as In Touch previously reported, had all but given hope that the couple would ever make it to the altar. The reason for Jessica’s sudden wedding fever? It’s a last ditch attempt to revive her career, says another insider. “She was devastated when she didn’t get hired to be a judge on The X Factor….”

Now… inspired by the hysteria surrounding the royal wedding, Jessica has hired [planner] Mindy Weiss to oversee a headline-grabbing event that will help her reclaim the spotlight. “She’s flying more than 50 family members and friends to spend a week partying with her and Eric in Hawaii,” a friend of Jessica’s tells In Touch.

Between Weiss’ fee ($150,000), guests airfares ($50,000), rings ($100,000), hair and makeup ($25,000) and flowers ($10,000), the costs are already staggering. “She’s picking up the tab for everything,” says the friend, who notes that Eric is currently jobless.

Jessica refuses to spare any expense – least of all when it comes to her gown. Referring to the now-iconic Alexander McQueen dress worn by her bridal competition, Kate Middleton, Jessica has thrown down the gauntlet, declaring, “I’ll outdo her!”

Oh, girl.  There are so many reasons why I worry about Jessica Simpson.  Do you think she’s actually going to go through with this ridiculous wedding (of course she will), or will she wise up before it’s too late?  Another option:  I’m completely wrong about Eric’s character and these two are going to end up together forever with all of the babies she can handle.  Psh, as if.

May 20, 2011 at 12:30 pm by Emily

4American Idol Recap, Or “How I Lost Faith in America”

Spoiler alert: the majority of American Idol voters have no idea what good music sounds like.

In case you couldn’t tell by my anger and disappointment, last night Haley Reinhart got voted off the show.  You know what that means?  It means that the finale is going to feature Lauren and Scotty.  And that is, pardon my eloquence, dumb as a box of rocks.

It’s not that I think Lauren and Scotty are bad people, it’s just … really?  Was the rest of the country watching the same show that I was watching?  I sincerely don’t get it.  But as a friend said to console me, it’s ok, Haley’s definitely getting a record deal, she’s going to be just fine.  And as another friend said to console me when Casey Abrams went home, it’s better that the good ones don’t win the competition – just look at how successful Adam Lambert is compared to whoever it was who beat him.

I still don’t get how more people like Scotty “Baby, Lock Them Doors” McCreery more than Haley, but it’ll be ok, I’ll get over it eventually.  But in the meantime, can you explain yourself, America?

May 20, 2011 at 4:30 am by Emily

2New Couple Alert: Ke$ha and T-Pain?

A photo of T-Pain and Ke$ha

Hennessy and cash money, everybody – what makes for a more solid foundation for a relationship than that?  A shared talent for making shitty, unbearable music, you say?  Well, then it looks like T-Pain and Ke$ha have the trifecta, so don’t expect to see K-Pain fade away anytime soon!

Just to let you enjoy this classic romance* a little longer, I’ll show you the origins (from Twitter, natch):

And that’s how a loving relationship is born, kids.  Was there ever a romance with such strong roots, such tangible passion?

*Of course no one knows if this is a legit romance or if it’s just a couple of jokesters having a a good laugh.  I’m not all too familiar with T-Pain, but me and Ke$ha go way back, and I feel like she wouldn’t include such an innocent bottle of booze if it was just a joke, right? Also, I’m aware that T-Pain is married, but, uh, open your eyes to the real world.  I’m going to choose to believe in these two free-spirited lovers, what about you?

May 19, 2011 at 5:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Ke$ha, T-pain