Today's Evil Beet Gossip

No, I’m Not Done Talking About How Attractive Christina Hendricks Is

A photo of Christina Hendricks

These are pictures of Christina Hendricks promoting whiskey and also promoting lust.  It’s Friday, so how about we all just settle in on this lovely afternoon, sip on a nice glass of fine whiskey, and let Christina’s beauty take us on a magical, spiritual journey to the weekend.  Sound good?  All right, let the bliss begin.

Jessica Simpson’s Dad and I Don’t Approve of Jessica Simpson’s Fiance

A photo of Jessica Simpson and Joe Simpson

And believe you me, we’ve had plenty of long chats with Jess to try and convince her to change her mind, but it just doesn’t look like it’s working.  Jessica is going to go ahead and marry shady Eric Johnson, no matter what her father and I think. Honestly, kids these days.

Since Jessica’s dad Joe is such a sweetheart, he went ahead and told In Touch how we feel:

Wedding dress shopping? Check. Rings? Check. Location? Check. Seal of approval from the father of the bride? Not so much. Though Joe Simpson was intially a fan of Jessica Simpson’s fiance, Eric Johnson, the overprotective dad is now singing a different tune. It seems Eric’s unemployed status — the former pro-football player was in grad school for business before dropping out after meeting Jess — is causing some major concern: “It bothers Joe that Jessica is paying for everything and that Eric really doesn’t have a job,” reveals a friend. So much so that Joe is pressuring Jess to call off the wedding completely! “Joe thinks Jessica can do much better and that’s the bottom line,” adds the payl. Of course, the rift between the two most important men in Jessica’s life is making her upset and feel like she’s trapped in the middle. “Jessica is a daddy’s girl, so it bothers her that Joe no longer approves of Eric,” the friend explains. “She’s really torn.”

For real though, I don’t like this Eric character.  Like, for once, I don’t want to break something or vomit after a Joe Simpson statement, which I think speaks volumes all on its own.

Liv Tyler’s Leaked Photos!!!

A photo of Liv Tyler

Man oh man, are these celebrities sure bad at taking private sexy pictures and having them end up on the Internet or what?  Well, you know how it is with these sorts of things – when it rains, it pours – and just after the Blake Lively mess, some raunchy Liv Tyler photos hit the scene, and let me tell you, they are some wild and crazy pictures!

Aww, I’m just joshin’ y’all!  I mean, not about the leaked pictures, because if you’ve got eyeballs, you can clearly see that there are some sexy pictures with this story, I’m just kidding about the raunch.  It turns out that both in the public eye and in private, Liv Tyler is one lovely, classy lady.

Also, one question, based solely on the photos:  Blake Lively or Liv Tyler?

Images courtesy of Starcasm

Kim Kardashian: Knocked Up by 2012

A photo of Kim Kardashian

It sort of scares me how fast Kim Kardashian is moving with this whole engagement thing, is that weird?  Like if Kim were one of my girls, I would want to sit her down and have a good long chat with her to make sure that she knew what she wanted.  I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’ve spent such a considerable portion of my life looking at her ass, but I actually feel a little concerned for her.

This potential baby news comes a week after the news that Kim is getting married to her brand new fiance, Kris Humphries, in two months.  Here’s Kim’s quote on getting pregnant:

“I hope so, I really hope so. Maybe by the end of the year,” she told Us Weekly about the possibility of a growing belly. “Well, I won’t have [a baby] by the end of the year, but maybe we’ll start trying by the end of the year. After the wedding.”

What is your rush, girlfriend?  You are 30 years old, your uterus has another ten good years, at least, to cook up some babies.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Kim, please, just go back to talking about your ass and making me feel guilty and weird for finding you attractive, ok?  Stay engaged, stay happy, but just slow your roll, sister.  That’s all I want for you.

Zach Galifianakis Gets the Cover of Rolling Stone, Is Naturally Amazing

A photo of Zach Galifianakis on the cover of Rolling Stone

I don’t need to reiterate my love for Zach Galifianakis, do I? We’re all still very much aware of my undying devotion, right? All right, then let’s go ahead and jump into some awesome quotes from Zach’s issue of Rolling Stone:

On taking pictures: “I’m terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me,” Galifianakis says. “I’m a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There’s nothing you can do except make light of it. That’s if I’m in the mood. Sometimes I get superbummed.”

On being awkward: At the after party [for the White House Correspondents' Dinner] he wandered down to the pool and bumped into Jane Lynch and her wife and Modern Family‘s Jesse Tyler Ferguson and his boyfriend. “Nice to meet you!” he said to the group. “I didn’t realize it was Gay Night by the swimming pool.” At the time, he saw nothing wrong with the exchange. “I walked away like, ‘Another good one!’” he says. “But my girlfriend said, ‘I gotta tell you, Zach – that did not go over well. You have to watch people’s reactions!’”

On fame: “I’ll be honest with you: I’m not adjusting to it well. I don’t mean that as a complaint. Most people wouldn’t be well-adjusted. I just get confused by people asking me questions. For years, nobody asked me a question, ever. So now when someone says, ‘Oh, you’re going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone,’ my first reaction is, ‘Ehhh, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I mean, it’s cool – but does it have to be the cover? What’s Blink-182 doing these days?’”

On Ke$ha: “I saw that Ke$ha woman the other day,” he says. She’d e-mailed him about getting a drink, and a few days later, he ran into her in a bar. “She was sitting by herself, and I walked up to her and said, ‘Listen, I got your e-mail. Your music is really bad! I don’t know who listens to it, but I imagine it’s, like, six-year-olds – and it’s a bad message.’ ”

In the interview, he also talks about the time he worked as a writer for SNL for two weeks, trying to pitch sketches to Britney Spears, who did not find him amusing (“I remember staring at the ground for, like, 20 seconds, just silent,” Galifiankis says. “45,000 open mics, and I’m trying to impress this 18-year old pop star”) and how when children tell him they love The Hangover, he tells them that they have bad parents. And I just fell in love all over again.

Love It or Leave It: Nicole Kidman Is Not OK

A photo of Nicole Kidman

There is something wrong with Nicole Kidman, you guys.  You can tell because of this ensemble and also by what she’s doing to her face. Now, I could talk for a while about her face, but her face is neither here nor there (it is, in fact, lost in time and space*, floating through the cosmos in a place where it can never be seen again).  No, right now we are going to talk about the atrocity that she decided to put on her body for last night’s CMT Awards.  Gag me with a fucking spoon.

If you guys could analyze everything that’s wrong with this whole picture while I curl up in a ball and try to will myself to die, I would really appreciate it.

*And in meaning.  Rocky Horror, everybody.

Emma Watson Didn’t Get Bullied at Brown, Gets Asked About Narnia A Lot

A photo of Emma Watson

Emma Watson, everybody. Totally flawless in every way.  Have we all had time to adjust our eyes to her powerful beauty yet? All right, then let’s get started.

Back in April, I brought you the story that Emma was getting bullied at Brown, and that’s why she left.  Not so, says Emma, and how dare you suggest such weakness:

“It made me so sad when all this stuff came out that I left Brown because I was being bullied. It made no sense at all. Brown has been the opposite. I’ve never even been asked for an autograph on campus. I threw a party for nearly 100 students and not a single person put a photo on Facebook. Anyway, even if I was being given a hard time, I wasn’t going to wuss out of university because someone said ‘Wingardium leviosa’ to me in a corridor, or ‘Ten points for Gryffindor.’ I’ve been dealing with the media since I was nine. If I can’t stand up to a few people giving me a hard time, it’s a bit pathetic, really. I’ve had so much worse.”

Damn, Emma, don’t hold back.  Sorry for thinking you had emotions.  My bad.

Meanwhile, Emma finds it hard to believe that some dudes might find her a little intimidating:

“I say to my friends, ‘Why hasn’t X called me? Why doesn’t anyone ever pursue me?’ They’re like, ‘Probably because they’re intimidated.’ It must be the fame wall,” she said. “It must be the circus that goes around me. Me, as a person, I find it hard to believe I would be intimidating. Sometimes, maybe because they feel intimidated, they feel they have to knock me down. They know perfectly well who I am, but they’ll ask me, ‘How are the Narnia films going?’” she laments. “I’m single at the minute.”

I still love Emma Watson to bits, but I can definitely see why some guys would find her intimidating, you know, what with her being perfect and all.  How are you guys feeling about Emma at the moment?