Another hint:  if you didn’t get that hint in the title, you’re probably not going to care about this news.

For those of you living in your sweet cave with the WiFi, the Notorious B.I.G. was shot and killed back in 1997.  Thanks to some pretty successful dickin’ around (conspiracy theories are welcome in the comments), the case was never solved.  Well, hold on to your hats, you guys, because here we go again.

From CNN:

“A task force made up of local and federal law enforcement agencies is actively pursuing leads into the 1997 slaying of hip hop artist Christopher Wallace … According to one law enforcement source, the investigation into the 13-year-old unsolved case was ‘reinvigorated’ months ago as a result of new information, but the source would not elaborate further because of the ongoing investigation that includes the Los Angeles Police Department, L.A. County District Attorney’s Office and the FBI.”

Did you catch that last part?  The FBI.  They got involved for, like, a year back in 2004, but then I guess they had to investigate some talcum powder in an envelope or something and closed their case.  But that doesn’t matter now, because now they’re in it to win it, and we better finally see some justice for Biggie (East Coast represent).

Ok, I want to know three things from you guys:  who do you believe killed Biggie (I think I’m going to go with Voldemort), what’s your favorite Biggie song (“Hypnotize” for sure), and who’s better, Biggie or Tupac (does it discredit this entire post if I say Tupac?).  Now you go.

Let me preface this by saying that I adore Drew Barrymore.  I kind of have to – I made a promise to my 11-year-old self after watching Ever After, and I’m in it for the long haul.  But I have always been of the opinion that there is only one occasion that a pale person like Drew should wear orange, and that’s the occasion that has her at a club, tripping on ecstasy and watching some talented dude twirl some glow sticks.  And even then it should only be a teddy bear purse or the primary color of your body glitter, not some stupid shapeless dress with inexplicable gathering at the knees.

Drew, do yourself a favor and go back to silly sparkly beaded dresses or cute hipster slapdashery.  That’s where you belong, sister.

Go ahead and toss out your Dickens and your Salinger and whatever else used to pass as a good book, because it’s a brand new day. Today, you can walk right into your local bookstore and find Ms. Nicole Polizzi’s (she’s an author now, she deserves your respect when addressing her) sure-to-be award-winning novel.  That is, unless they’re all sold out!

Ok, but sarcasm hurts sometimes, so let me just break this down.  Snooki wrote a novel with a writer named Valerie Frankel about a short young lady named Gia who adventures around the Jersey shore while wearing a pouf.  If that doesn’t satisfy your literary mind, check out these excerpts:

“He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”

“Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”

“Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”

“Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

“Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn’t nearly as gritty and disgusting as she’d seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank — on a weekday afternoon — was as clean and quiet as a church.”

“I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.”

I’ve been trying to motivate myself to get through the complete works of Shakespeare, but I just might need to put that off.  Priorities, you guys.  See you at the Barnes & Noble!

You know, “Monster,” the one with Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, Jay-Z, and Bon Iver?  I wouldn’t want you to be the clueless one when all your co-workers are talking about the thematic elements of the video, the effects of Kanye’s hubris, and his sweet diamond teeth tomorrow morning.

The only artist in this big musical orgy I listen to regularly is Bon Iver, and even then it’s just one song, but I can’t stop listening to this damn song.  I caught this video right before I went out on Friday afternoon, and you best believe I was telling all the cheap champagne bottles at the Kroger that “everybody knows I’m a motherfuckin’ monster” under my breath while browsing.

You can go ahead and start the scholarly analysis of the themes in the video in the comments (I’m going to get started on my essay on Kanye’s role as the tragic hero with strong references to both Aristotle and Joseph Campbell), but first I just wanted to point out that Kanye solidly rhymes the word “esophagus.”  If anyone was doubting his skills, I’d go ahead and stop that talk right now.

“Today is the first day of the rest of my life “The future depends on what we do in the present.” -Mahatma Gandhi… One step at a time….”

- Lindsay Lohan, tweeting wise words of Gandhi’s.

If you just take a look at what we’ve said about Lindsay, it’s clear that we wish nothing but the best for that lovable hot mess.  That being said, I think Lindsay’s continued sobriety in 2011 is a little questionable. What about you?

Remember that one time that Michael Lohan wrote that touching, heartfelt ballad for Lindsay?  Well, that was just the start of his musical declarations of eternal love for his daughter, because another one’s coming.

The song’s called “My Rose” (I know, did your heart just skip a beat too?), and here’s how we know it’s going to be a hit: Michael commissioned Delious Kennedy to write and perform the song.  What’s that?  You don’t know who Delious Kennedy is?  Oh, he’s just a member of the Grammy Award-winning band, All-4-One.  Delious says that “My Rose” is definitely a club song, and he even gave TMZ a snippet of lyrics from the chorus:  “The girl is like a rose garden. She falls back, springs forth and grows stronger with thorns.”  As if your hearts aren’t already warm enough, here’s what Michael himself had to say about the song:

“[It's about a] talented and beautiful young lady who has grown in our hearts, she is badgered by paparazzi, cut down by the media … She will wilt, but when she falls, I will always be there to pick her up and put her pedals back on.”

I’m not sure if the typo about the rose “pedals” was TMZ’s or Michael’s, but I am sure about one thing – this is going to be Michael Lohan’s year.  With such an obviously solid hit song as this, how could it not be?