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5Blind Item: Somebody’s Eating Paper

A photo of Blind Items

From Blind Gossip:

This actress is known mostly for her work in television. She is pretty, but she is desperate to be thinner. While she already looks slim, she thinks that if she could just drop a few more pounds that she will land the lead role in a series this year. She has a difficult time battling the hunger pangs, so she has resorted to a rather bizarre diet.

She has been eating paper. She buys rolls of paper towels made of unbleached paper, and chews bits of it all day long. She claims she is not hurting herself because she only eats natural paper and drinks plenty of water so that the paper passes naturally through her system.

I have no idea who this blind item is about. At all. Zero ideas. The two most popular guesses are Jennifer Aniston and Eva Longoria though: Jennifer because of the bit about water (mmmm, Smartwater!), and Eva because the bit about being “desperate.” But personally, I’ve got nothing.

That’s where you come in, friends. See if you can come up with some more guesses. Because I really, really want to know which bitch is eating paper.

January 30, 2013 at 4:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Blind Item

6Is It OK to Creep on Dakota Fanning Now?

A photo of Dakota Fanning

Dakota Fanning is 18, ok? She’s 18 years old. She’ll be 19 next month. She’s an adult. That means I can think she’s absolutely gorgeous, right?

It just feels weird to me because we’ve all seen this girl grow up, you know? Like, when I think of Dakota Fanning, I think of the little girl from I Am Sam. I think of little baby Dakota Fanning. But when I see this magazine cover, I think “gorgeous.” Is that ok? I feel like it’s kind of creepy.

But just look at this picture from the magazine shoot:

A photo of Dakota Fanning

That is a gorgeous young lady. Right?

If it makes it any better, I don’t think she’s hot. Kat Dennings is hot. Kat Dennings is scorching hot. Kat Dennings is … I can’t really talk about this anymore without getting uncomfortable, but I think you know what I mean. Dakota Fanning isn’t hot, not to me, anyway. Dakota Fanning just has lovely features that make me smile. And that’s not creepy. I don’t think so, anyway.

Ok, one more picture:

A photo of Dakota Fanning

See how nice this girl grew up?

January 30, 2013 at 10:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Dakota Fanning

2Chris Brown Has A Cast on His Punchin’ Hand

A photo of Chris Brown

Poor, poor Chris Brown. We all know that he didn’t do anything wrong concerning his fight with Frank Ocean, and now look at this! This poor man has a cast on his right hand. What sort of monster is Frank Ocean anyway? What did he do to Chris’ hand? He probably stomped on it, huh? Or maybe he had a hammer in his pocket, just for occasions like this. You never know when a kind, gentle soul like Chris is going to come along and need some bones broken.

Oh, wait, is that the hand Chris punches with? He’s right-handed, so I’m pretty sure it is. Is it possible that he got this injury by hitting someone?

Nah. Nah, guys. Remember, this is the same injury that Olivier Martinez, Halle Berry‘s man, had after he got so brutally assaulted by Gabriel Aubry. This just looks like the universal injuries of poor angel victims who never do anything wrong ever. SO SAD.

January 30, 2013 at 5:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Chris Brown

6Lindsay Made A Miraculous Recovery, Will Be in Court This Morning

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan and her mom Dina took the last flight out of JFK last night and jetted to L.A. after being warned she’d be a wanted woman if she was a no-show in court this morning.

Lindsay — who is not just broke but deeply in debt — waited in her car at the airport (above) until the last minute … then flew first class on American Airlines and landed at around 12:30 AM.

We’re told Lindsay went into a panic after we posted our story Tuesday and started calling everyone to find out if we were right … that the judge would probably issue a warrant for her arrest if she didn’t show.  Our Lindsay sources say she was pleading with Shawn Holley — the lawyer she fired — to come back on the case, saying she didn’t like her replacement — New York lawyer Mark Heller.

Holley made it clear days ago … she’s off the case, so it’s now up to Heller, who clearly started off on the wrong foot by submitting the doctor’s note, along with a New York Post article saying a lot of people in NYC had the flu.

Heller has another problem — the lawyer he got to sponsor him to appear in a California court has never met him, and it’s possible the judge could deny him the right to represent Lindsay.

So Lindsay could be lawyerless … and you know what they say about a client who reps herself …

This should be a good one, guys. We’ve got four more hours till Lindsay is due in court, and I’ve just got a good feeling about it. Not for her, obviously, or at least she won’t think so. But I mean, she’ll at least be wearing some inappropriate courtroom attire, which is always a good time. There’s a lesson, friends: always look for the silver lining. Because even if justice is just a figment of our imaginations anymore, Lindsay still won’t be wearing a bra to court.

January 30, 2013 at 4:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Lindsay Lohan

8Lindsay Lohan Is Way Too Sick to Go to Court Tomorrow

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

It’s just that time of the year, guys. We’re all going to get sick. Me, I’ve got the stupidest cold ever right now. My head feels funny and I don’t want to do anything. Maybe you’ve had that awful flu. Maybe you caught malaria or diphtheria or syphilis or something, I don’t know. But the point is that people are just generally ill this time of year. And that includes beautiful and glamorous celebrities like Lindsay Lohan!

See, Lindsay has an upper respiratory infection. She has a doctor’s note and everything! I know that she has a doctor’s note because that’s what her new lawyer sent over to Lindsay’s judge in L.A. to explain why she won’t be in court tomorrow as required. He also sent some news article about how that flu epidemic hit New York a couple of weeks ago. You know, just to flesh everything out.

And yeah, TMZ got photos of Lindsay out and about over the weekend, shopping and smoking and having a grand old time. I know that when I’m sick enough to go to a doctor with a cold that I always feel like walking around for hours, too. Like, yeah, it feels like my head is going to fall off my body and my throat is going to collapse in on itself and every single ounce of fluid in my body is going to trickle out of my nose, but so what? Let’s get some shoes!

But ok, here’s the thing: Lindsay was really, really supposed to be in court. I don’t want to freak her out or anything, it’s just that she really was supposed to be there. And if the judge finds out that she wasn’t really sick – not that I’m saying she’s lying – it could be bad, bad news for Lindsay. It won’t be, but it could be. And that’s the important thing. Basically, the judge could issue a warrant for Lindsay’s arrest tomorrow if she wanted to. That’s all.

January 29, 2013 at 5:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Lindsay Lohan

6Chris Brown Kind of Just Compared Himself to Jesus

A photo of Chris Brown

Ok, ok. Chris Brown posted this photo on Instagram last night. The caption was “Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!” And here’s the photo:

A photo of Chris Brown

Whoa. Whoa. Hold up. Chris Brown painted a picture of Jesus on the cross because he was painting the way he feels. Are we all getting that? He seriously just did that.

This is so much worse than when he compared himself to Tupac. I mean, I know you guys know who Jesus is, but can we really just take a moment to consider this? Chris Brown considers himself to be a Christian. That means that he thinks Jesus was the son of God. Jesus is Lord. Just to bring it to a more casual place, Jesus was a super peaceful guy who just wanted everybody to chill out and love each other. Jesus was awesome! Does that sound anything like Chris Brown?

But I’m really not the person to be discussing this, guys. After all, I’m obviously one of the many people who crucified Chris. You know, because calling an asshole an asshole is just like crucifixion. I’m just one of those bitches who refuse to believe how great Chris Brown is, and thousands of years from now, when Chris Brown is celebrated and adored, I’m going to be just another poor, stupid soul who was too blind to realize what I witnessed. I’m so glad we could clear this up!

January 29, 2013 at 7:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Chris Brown
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