So, I decided to show my four-year-old this picture and told her that I wanted to hear a story about it after she finished studying it. The following is my four-year-old child’s take on the monstrosity that is Tyra Banks‘ makeup:
Once upon a time, there was a lady. And she met a man. And then she went somewhere in particular. And after that, she went to the beach. So, she went to the beach and saw some dolphins and fish and sharks. And she looks like this because she looks old. And she looks like this because she’s a rockstar. And she looks very mad. And she probably is mad, because I know I’d be mad if I looked like an explosion happened in my eyes. When she went to the beach, all of the dolphins and fish and sharks were very afraid of her because she made mean faces and she probably doesn’t like children. The man didn’t even like her actually, but he played with her anyway because we should be nice to everyone—even if they have scary witch faces.
Can you see where my daughter gets her talent? Come on now.
But really, this is some God-awful makeup application, huh? This looks like something I did by accident once while I was trying to put my makeup on in a moving vehicle (I was the passenger, duh). Only difference is that I had the smarts to wash my face off at my earliest convenience, and definitely before anyone really saw me. Damn. You’re a supermodel, Tyra. You probably have mirrors all over your frigging house. Look into one every one in awhile, huh, girl?
“Because I know I’d be mad if I looked like an explosion happened in my eyes.”
Everything about this is perfect and I am going to quote this story forever.