Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Oscars Red Carpet Review

As always, we’re all adults here. These are my honest opinions and reactions to each persons look, not who they are inside. If you’re sensitive, move on.

Lady Gaga starts our review. People are comparing this look to Audrey Hepburn and it’s hard not to agree. It’s classic and gorgeous and made her look every bit the star she is.

Brie Larson. Ok. I mean I don’t really like the dress, though I bet it feels really wild on your body. But the lack of make up, the lifeless hair and then a dress like that… it’s all over the place. I don’t care for it.

Allison Janney looks fab. She looks dignified and elegant. What else can I say.

Bradley Cooper, his mama, Gloria Campano and baby mama,
Irina Shayk. You can just tell by looking at her that Mama Gloria is a real pill. Irina is wearing Burberry and she looks great. Bradley… call me.

I don’t know Sza, but she has my respect. Zsa is wearing Vivienne Westwood and if you think her hair is crazy, back up. That’s how you wear VW. You go all in. You should look like it’s 1890 and you’re fleeing Jack the Ripper.

Linda Cardellini in Schiaparelli. Ok so first off, you go Linda Cardellini. I didn’t even know you were still a thing. Second, haters are going to come at you over this dress, but I get you. I love this thing. You look like Anna Nicole Smith’s canopy bed.

Tina Fey … if there are infinite universes, Tina Fey is me in the one where I go off and am successful. She’s my soulmate. But she’s a boring dresser. Whatevs. Move on.

 Amy Adams in Versace. This is a shame. This dress is a piece of art, but it’s not camera friendly. You miss 90% of it. I’m indifferent about the rest.

Kiki Layne also in Versace. I love this. She looks tall and proud. The bow is a wonderful accent and she knew to let it take focus and didn’t bother with jewelry. Love.

Jennifer Lopez in Tom Ford. I mean, whatever. I love Tom Ford, he’s a genius. But this just looks like a flattened disco ball and it’s not so much “Oscar red carpet” as it is “Vegas residency”.

Charlize Theron in Dior…. I had no idea that was Charlize. She looks like the mean old House Master at some snooty boarding school. The dress is for someone 30 years older than her and not at all flattering.

Lucy Boynton is wearing a special made Rodarte and she is haunting. I really can’t decide how I’m reacting to it. On one hand I really love the color, the sweetness of the drop shoulder and puffy sleeves. Or am I turned off by the fact she looks like she should be in a crystal box, forever lying in repose. I think I do like it.

Emma Stone looks delightfully stoned in what I can only assume is a dress obtained through a miscommunication. It almost looks… is it furry? It’s Louis Vuitton, for what that’s worth. I don’t care for it.

Sarah Paulson … whatever. This is ridiculous, but she’s such a unique individual. I just assume she’ll be in something … different.

Lisa Bonet is a childhood fav of mine. The dress is very Lisa. Husband Jason Momoa is matching, which is so cute.

Regina King is on my personal fame squad. So like Tina I’ll just say she isn’t the person you look to for “wow” dresses. But she looks gorgeous. Look at them eyes.

Glenn Close in Carolina Herrera. What a perfect pairing. Carolina Herrera exudes class and distinction in her designs, so it was only fitting she dress a legend in gold.

Helen Mirren is ALWAYS the epitome of grace and loveliness and last night was no exception. Here in a pink Schiaparelli tulle number. Just perfection.

Mellisa McCarthy looked amazing in a Brandon Maxwell pant suit. I LOVE a nice pant suit on the carpet. Super dramatic with the long cape. I could do with some pop of color earrings or something, but she looks fab.

Gemma Chan is getting some crap for this Valentino number and I get it. It’s a bit parachutey. But I am digging it. Hot pink was a popular color this year and this is a statement piece. Respect.

Laura Harrier is wearing the best accessory there is. A huge smile. She looks so happy to be there. And her mad cut muscular arms are pow! out of that bejeweled Louis Vuitton and those Harry Winstons around her neck.

Angela Bassett in Reem Acra. Reem is one of my favorite designers and Angela one of my favorite actresses. So that’s hot. Angela can do no wrong and I love this over the shoulder look. Smoldering, girl.

Gabrielle Union … ok this wasn’t at the show, but rather an after party, but how could I not include this perfect look. The hair is so cute. The color of that dress on her skin… she looks UH-mazing.

Michelle Yeoh was living her Crazy Rich Asians best with Elie Saab couture. I wish this showed better in photos. It’s crystals are iridescent and practical light up. She looks amazing.


In conclusion, I think I’m going to have to give my top prize to Lady Gaga in the perfect Alexander McQueen dress. She just looks like one of those old french poster ads for champagne. She needs one of those long cigarette holders. For show, of course.