Today's Evil Beet Gossip

John Malkovich Proves That Smoking Cigarettes Saves Lives

John Malkovich warm bodies premiere

John Malkovich can be a creepy son of a gun but when blood is spurting out of your neck as you lie helplessly in the street, you’d be really happy to see his face standing over you. Jim Walpole, a 77-year-old guy from Ohio, certainly was. Mr. Walpole and his wife, Marilyn, were walking down the street when Walpole tripped and severely cut himself. And who happened to be taking a cigarette break when this occurred and was thus ready to spring to action? John Malkovich. He and Heidi Klum should start their own Justice League. From The Atlantic Wire via Yahoo News:

Jim [Walpole] tripped and slashed his neck on some scaffolding while [he and his wife Marilyn] were walking on a busy Toronto street. The cut appeared serious and blood was starting to pool around Jim. “The way he was spurting I thought it was the carotid [artery] or the jugular [vein],” Marilyn, a retired nurse, told CBC News.

Malkovich was smoking a cigarette nearby and jumped to help. Malkovich, with assistance from two others, immediately started working to stop Walpole’s bleeding. Malkovich used a towel to apply pressure to Walpole’s wound while the Ohio couple waited for the ambulance. “I was bleeding so bad on my neck and Chris bought him a towel and John kept pressure on my bleeding neck and then Quinn kept me from turning over and made me stay there until EMS arrived,” Walpoletold the Toronto Star.

“I’m forever grateful to him, he really helped me out. […] “I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘John.’ And I didn’t ask the last name ’cause I didn’t figure I’d remember it anyhow.”

Mr. Malkovich was gone by the time the paramedics arrived, because he is Batman.

So, the lesson here is that had John Malkovich not been outside smoking a cigarette, he wouldn’t have been there to help a man who could have bled to death. This quite clearly and obviously proves that we should all smoke as many cigarettes as possible, because taking a smoking break could save a life. You just wait, MacCaulay Culkin is going to save like, 20 people some time soon. I’m going to pick up a pack of cigarettes right now. I hope you all do the same.

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