Hi, everyone! ‘Tis I, Jenn, your faithful new managing editor – come February 1, anyway. I trust we’ll all find a way to grieve together as Sarah and Emily move on to greener pastures, then we’ll begin our own love affair and embark upon a new phase in our lives at one another’s sides. Or, you know, you could hate my guts and tell me so in the comments every day, forcing me to cry myself to sleep. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, though, yeah? Now, time to get down to business.
Cameron Diaz has a buck wild spirit that won’t quit, and that’s why I love her. I use “love” very, very loosely, because I actually have no feelings for her either way – she seems innocuous enough, despite her rather bizarre love of being objectified and a mind-boggling lack of basic feminist understanding. She’s living large and in charge, dates around, doesn’t want to get married and is pleased as punch to be getting older (or so she says) and for that reason, it seems like our girl Cam is killin’ it. Well, not so, my friends. Turns out, being a free-wheelin’ female Lothario has its drawbacks and when a case of mid-life malaise hits, there’s only one person who can save you – and unfortunately this doctor’s more annoying than the patient: Gwyneth Paltrow.
According to The Sun:
“Gwyneth’s sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus.”
I mean, if anything’s worse than working out and not having sex with your boo, it has to be taking life advice from Gwyneth Paltrow, who thinks liquified grass counts as a meal and may or may not be engaging in a bit of the ole rumpy pumpy with Jay-Z (as if he would ever cheat on the Queen Bey!). She’s insufferable. Not to mention, hello, who in the hell wants life advice from anyone, let alone the female Jack Skellington? The second she tried to make me trade in chocolate cake for Buddhist meditation and seaweed enemas, I’d be out the door. Or I’d punch her, then be out the door.
Here’s a hint, Cameron: Gwyneth Paltrow can’t help you. You know what can? Not being friends with Gwyneth Paltrow.