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13Cameron Diaz Wants to Get GOOP’d by Gwyneth Paltrow

Hi, everyone! ‘Tis I, Jenn, your faithful new managing editor – come February 1, anyway. I trust we’ll all find a way to grieve together as Sarah and Emily move on to greener pastures, then we’ll begin our own love affair and embark upon a new phase in our lives at one another’s sides. Or, you know, you could hate my guts and tell me so in the comments every day, forcing me to cry myself to sleep. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, though, yeah? Now, time to get down to business.

Cameron Diaz has a buck wild spirit that won’t quit, and that’s why I love her. I use “love” very, very loosely, because I actually have no feelings for her either way – she seems innocuous enough, despite her rather bizarre love of being objectified and a mind-boggling lack of basic feminist understanding. She’s living large and in charge, dates around, doesn’t want to get married and is pleased as punch to be getting older (or so she says) and for that reason, it seems like our girl Cam is killin’ it. Well, not so, my friends. Turns out, being a free-wheelin’ female Lothario has its drawbacks and when a case of mid-life malaise hits, there’s only one person who can save you – and unfortunately this doctor’s more annoying than the patient: Gwyneth Paltrow.

According to The Sun:

“Gwyneth’s sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus.”

I mean, if anything’s worse than working out and not having sex with your boo, it has to be taking life advice from Gwyneth Paltrow, who thinks liquified grass counts as a meal and may or may not be engaging in a bit of the ole rumpy pumpy with Jay-Z (as if he would ever cheat on the Queen Bey!). She’s insufferable. Not to mention, hello, who in the hell wants life advice from anyone, let alone the female Jack Skellington? The second she tried to make me trade in chocolate cake for Buddhist meditation and seaweed enemas, I’d be out the door. Or I’d punch her, then be out the door.

Here’s a hint, Cameron: Gwyneth Paltrow can’t help you. You know what can? Not being friends with Gwyneth Paltrow.

January 24, 2013 at 10:00 am by Jennifer

13 Responses to “Cameron Diaz Wants to Get GOOP’d by Gwyneth Paltrow”

  1. Harriet Meadow says:

    Ha! Rumpy pumpy made me laugh out loud.

  2. I have a lot of respect for Cameron. She’s actually very well spoken and has a good, healthy sense of humor, both in her personal life and her career. But you put it best – run, Cameron, run!

  3. DarkEmpress says:

    I don’t believe it! Cameron’s trainer is clearly better than Goop’s if you use their bodies as evidence.

  4. crab says:

    Welcome Jen!! Just show me some kitty photos once in a while and I’ll love you forever!! :)

  5. blasted1 says:

    Where have you worked before? I think it was posted before, but I forgot. I don’t want to sound like you’re being interviewed, but just what are you qualifications, young lady?

  6. MJRyan says:

    Cameron Diaz never really creamed my twinkie but I love her personality and that was enough for me to Tap that Ass. The rumor about the three-way involving Cameron, Gwyneth and I? As much as they wanted that to happen, I had to declined, so it’s not true. BUT me, Gwyneth and a goat…….true.(her fetish)

  7. tigerr says:

    Jenn, welcome and just to know you win my heart by making your first post about Gwyneth… this could be a beginning of a creepy cyberfriendship

  8. Laura says:

    Oh HELL yes, a new writer… now I can finally read here again, very nice. Welcome! :)

  9. Bobou812 says:

    Damn love to see these two naked together licking each others shaved beavers and sucking nipples WOW!!!

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