Let’s do a quick mental exercise. I want you to put your thinking caps on, and I want you to think about what Kelly Osbourne has actually done. Are you thinking? Are you coming up with anything?
Me neither. I can’t think of a single thing that she’s ever really contributed to the entertainment world. Her dad’s famous, ok. And yeah, she recorded some music, but that was a good few years ago. She gets pictures taken of herself every now and then, and she does do Fashion Police, but everything she does just feels like something that some washed up, past-her-prime celebrity does. But that’s just how she started. Isn’t that weird?
I guess that’s why, when she did an interview with Glamour, all they really had to talk about was her hair:
On her teenage hair: When I was 13, I had hair the color of gold down to my butt. I had an argument with my mom and yelled, “F–k you!” and chopped off half my hair. My dad could not look at me without pissing himself laughing.
On what her mom thinks about her hair: She wishes I would go back to blond. She’ll call me, really serious, and say, “I think it’s time for a change.” I’m like, “Mom, you have hair the color of a fire engine.”
On the possibility of her having her mom’s hair: I would look like her mini- me. I tried red once, and I looked like a carrot. I also wouldn’t go too brown, because then I would look like my father. But I’ve tried green, blue, purple, black. The lavender I really like.
On your lame hair: I dyed my hair shades of gray because I like it, and it pissed a lot of people off. Now I get tweeted 20 pictures a day of girls coloring their hair like mine. So if you don’t like it, sorry—you have housewife hair.
She also had something to say about that crazy expensive diamond manicure she had that one time:
They picked a few people to wear it for publicity; it was an honor. It’s a lot of money, but you’re telling me you’d say no? Hello! You can shut up.
I don’t know, I kind of feel like I would say no. I don’t think I’d be all that into wearing a quarter of a million dollars on my fingernails, honestly. So I guess I can shut up. Hello.