Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Flashback: Let’s Just Take a Quick Listen to ‘Lohan Holiday’, OK?

Oh my God, guys, I can’t even. I seriously can’t stop laughing. I don’t know what’s worse—Ali Lohan (who does the majority of the singing on the track) trying to to sound like a lost Bone Thug, Lindsay doing the echoes, runs, and harmonies, or the lyrics themselves. Can’t bring yourself to actually listen to this song? Here’s the lyrics so you can at least have some idea about what I’m busting a gut over:

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday

Imagine if you can – a magical Christmas land fictional journey – a vision so real
A place everybody smiles – wont you come for a while
Lets go in a hurry – come with me you’ll see

Imaginations all you really need (lohan holiday)

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday

Such a magical ride – so come on jump inside
A great destination for everyone to see
The wonders in the air can’t wait to see you there
Magical moments that you have only dreamed
All you have to do is just believe (lohan holiday)

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday

A Christmas fantasy that’s meant for you and me
Where everything you’ll ever want is for free just believe (take you there)

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday
Come let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
I can take you so far away

See, now, I’m picturing all of this snow everywhere, and I don’t think it’s an accident. I think it’s all actually a metaphor for cocaine, because really, what does the Lohan family do super good? They do cocaine super good, friends, and what makes for a whiter Christmas than coke-blown landscapes and good old-fashioned family dysfunction? Nothing, I tell you—not a thing.

Merry Christmas from the Lohans. Yeah, it was a sentiment from 2006, but I like to think that some things just don’t change all that much (probably because they don’t).

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