Or as GQ, compiler of said list, put it, the “least significant” folks of the year, and I like that a whole lot better than “least influential,” because the term “influential” in there actually makes it seem like the people in question have some influence (which I like to believe they don’t). Here’s the five best, as far as my take on the list goes, in no particular order:
1. Amanda Bynes. From GQ:
I didn’t think it was possible for God to invent a worse driver than Lindsay Lohan, but here you go. Bynes spent all of 2012 avoiding acting gigs and trying desperately to run over your dog. And yet she isn’t anywhere close to being as fascinating a train wreck as Lohan. I could watch Lohan implode for years and years, yet Bynes merits only a token shrug. Step up your game, missy. Sometime in the near future, there’s a sensational vehicular-manslaughter trial with your name on it!
2. Madonna. From GQ:
That cheerleading outfit isn’t making you look any younger, Madge. It’s time for you to stop putting out aggressively bland comeback albums and make room for Ke$ha and Katy and the other 800 female artists out there who change outfits every five minutes to distract people from their terrible singing.
3. Keith Olbermann. From GQ:
There was only one bridge left for Olbermann to burn this year, and when it was time for him to alienate himself from Current TV, he did it in classic Olbermann fashion, bitching about broken promises and writing frantic missives to anyone who dared accuse him of being less than a perfect little angel while working at Current. But don’t feel bad for Keith. He’s now free to live the life he’s always dreamed of: taping “Special Comment” segments from his own toilet and descending into a permanent state of manic paranoia. Why can’t this happen to Hannity, too?
4. Lance Armstrong. From GQ:
Every year brings new and incontrovertible evidence that Lance Armstrong is the polar opposite of the inspiring legend he was once made out to be. It’s like peeling back the layers of an onion that’s nestled inside an asshole. Just this year, Armstrong dropped his fight against the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency in the most dickish and self-delusional way possible (“There comes a point in every man’s life when he has to say, ‘Enough is enough’ “), then got fired by Nike and his own Livestrong charity. Also, Outside magazine found that Livestrong “donates almost nothing to scientific research.” I put nothing past him anymore. By 2014, I expect him to be charged with supplying elephant growth hormone to Roger Clemens and orchestrating the civil war in Syria.
5. Adam Sandler. From GQ:
Every year, Adam Sandler releases fresh cinematic evidence that he has no respect for you, your $12, or your cognitive abilities. And thanks to the disappointing gross for That’s My Boy, Americans have finally caught on. At this point, the only reason Sandler makes movies is so that Rob Schneider can earn a living. It’s like political cronyism, only the end result is a shitty movie instead of a bridge to nowhere. Political cronyism is funnier.
Others on the list include Mitt Romney, Dwight Howard, Gotye, George Zimmerman, Michelle Obama, Ryan Lochte, Gregg Williams, Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer, Guy Fieri, Billy Crystal, Bobby Valentine, whoever directed ‘John Carter’, James Dolan, Aaron Sorkin, the remaining scraps of Occupy Wall Street (that went well, didn’t it?), Jamie Dimon, James Brady, Jim Lehrer, Hulk Hogan, and Tucker Carlson.
It was a big, big year to be mediocre and not-at-all well-received by the public at large, guys, what can I say?