Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Jessica Biel: Still Really Bad at Dressing

photo of jessica biel pictures
Hey, Jessica Biel. Guess what, girl? You still suck at dressing, and while this particular infraction isn’t as bad as that Blanche Deveraux-getup thing you wore to one of the ‘Hitchcock’ premieres, it’s still pretty bad. Why? Well, let me clue you in: your dress looks like a big, charred vagina. That’s right. It looks like you took a blowtorch to your vulva and laughed maniacally while the delicate folds of pretty pink skin sizzled like sausages, crackled like a chip bag, puckered like a prune, and finally contorted itself into a former shell of itself, chiseled from carbon.

Does that about cover it?

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