I don’t want to be too bold, but I’m fairly certain that I just read the greatest Kim Kardashian interview that ever lived. It has everything: Kim defends her fame, her unabashed love of money, and her wedding. Oh, and she also also compares herself to an 18-year-old with cancer. Because of course she did.
Let’s just get to the excerpts, all right?
Here’s Kim at a photo shoot: Kardashian frowns at her phone. “You guys,” she says, “what should I say? You guys?” There is a moment’s hush; Kardashian is passing a tweet.
On fame: “When I hear people say [what are you famous for?], I want to say, what are you talking about?” she says slowly, her eyes wide as a bushbaby’s. “I have a hit TV show. We’ve shot more episodes than I Love Lucy! We’ve been on the air longer than The Andy Griffith Show! I mean, these are iconic shows, so it blows my mind when people say that.”
But you’re just being filmed living your life: “But to be able to open up your life like that and to be so… if everyone could do it, everyone would. It doesn’t make sense to me.”
On selling $10 bottles of water in her store: “Our water sells out all the time,” Kardashian says. “People collect them because each store has a different picture on the bottle. It’s really crazy,” she says. “I mean, a water bottle? It’s crazy.”
On her work ethic: “I work really hard – I have seven appointments tomorrow before 10am. I’m constantly on the go. I have a successful clothing line. A fragrance. I mean, acting and singing aren’t the only ways to be talented. It’s a skill to get people to really like you for you, instead of a character written for you by somebody else.”
On talent: “What is my talent?” She cocks her head to one side. “Well, a bear can juggle and stand on a ball and he’s talented, but he’s not famous. Do you know what I mean?”
On the choice to televise her wedding: “We had done filming our season at that point, so we decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.”
On her totally real marriage: “Getting married and divorced quickly, if that was my goal the whole time – I’m not an idiot, I obviously know that that would be a bad business decision. If anything, I probably would have left sooner had I not been filming, because I didn’t want to end the relationship on TV.”
Her next wedding: “I would definitely do it differently. Just all the scrutiny that I got. You don’t plan to go through all of that willingly. For money. That’s just not what a sane person would do. So. Would I get married on TV again? No.” She thinks about it for a moment. “Well, I guess you never say never. Because who knows? So many other people I know have gotten married on TV and it has worked out amazing for them.” There is a pause. “William and Kate got married on TV,” Kardashian says thoughtfully.
I know, there are a lot of quotes, but I only used the ones that made me laugh for at least thirty seconds. Because a bear can stand on a ball and juggle, but Kim feels just like an 18-year-old cancer patient. It’s cool to sell a bottle of water for $10 because her show has aired more episodes than I Love Lucy. If they weren’t filming, she would have filed for divorce from Kris Humphries sooner, because 72 days is a super long time for a marriage. WHAT?