Here’s a transcript if you can’t view the video or listen to the sound, which is unfortunate, because Will’s inflection is pretty much the whole thing:
“Well, I don’t know if you follow the news at all, but there this … actress. Uh. Kristen Stewart, OK? And, um, she goes by K Stew, and um, she had a boyfriend, right? Robert Pattinson, and he’s R Pattz, and … and she cheated on him. And um … and they’re broken up and they’re not gonna get back together ever. And what they had was so special, Conan, and you don’t even know what they had. They were … they were in love, and she just threw it all away. And I just don’t know if there was anything I could have done to prevent it, and … And I just don’t know what it means for the Twilight franchise, I just don’t know. IT’S NOT GONNA BE FINE EVER. NEVER GONNA BE FINE. WHAT THEY HAD WAS SO SPECIAL, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. You would never know. [You've never been in love]. Not like them. NOT LIKE THEM. She is a trampire. That’s what she is. She’s a trampire.”
Of course, Will was joking around about the entire thing (I think) on Conan O’Brien’s show earlier in the week, but his impersonation (?) of those upset about the whole Kristen Stewart-Robert Pattinson thing is pretty much spot-on when it comes to those both upset and dealing with the fall-out. I’d say it’s kind of how I feel, I think maybe, if it didn’t make me look like a complete tool, you know? But “trampire”? I dunno, guys. That’s going a bit far, huh?