Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Heidi Klum Takes It All Off (Again), Might Take Seal Clubbing

photo of heidi klum naked allure pictures 2012 pics photos
No! I know. She’s definitely not taking Seal clubbing, but I wrote the headline because I’d just finished reading some PETA propaganda about seal clubbing, and it’d stuck with me—at least the part where they talked about “seal clubbing”—because I had all intentions all day long to write this piece about Heidi Klum and Seal, and when I went to go write the headline, the seal-clubbing thing was like, “BAM! HERE I AM!” and it stayed.

But anyway, we all pretty much agree that Heidi Klum is one special flower of a lady, right? And we’re pretty glad that she’s done with Seal, especially if he was as narcissistic and childish and self-involved and volatile as some reports pegged him to be, yeah? Because after you read this new interview from Allure, you’re sure to love her persona more—but you might be a little concerned that her relationship with Seal isn’t exactly over.

On whether she and Seal will get back together:

“I don’t know! Time will tell. I’m still in the eye of the storm now, and it’s a little bit crazy. But sometimes you need to be apart in order to figure things out.”

On The Divorce:

“It’s hard, just like for other couples. People go through our trash cans. It’s crazy. And you know, we have four kids; they have to go to school.”

On using gay friends to understand Seal, maybe:

“They are like this kaleidoscope of interesting thoughts and opinions. They teach you so many things about men that are useful.”

On her marriage to Seal:

“You know, I wouldn’t change anything. If I had to go back in time and say, ‘I should have changed this or that…’ No. I don’t resent anything that ever happened. Things just turn out the way they turn out…. I’m still in the eye of the storm now, and it’s all a little bit crazy. But sometimes you have to be apart in order to figure it out.”

On being realistic about plastic surgery:

“Ask me again when I’m 65, but…I’m proud to be able to say, in this day and age, I haven’t done anything. Everyone has a view of what’s pretty and what’s not pretty, and [surgery] just doesn’t look pretty to me. Especially when I see it on really young girls. I don’t want to name names, but it’s like, Wow, I remember you five years ago, looking to me so beautiful, and now it’s like… who is this person? And I know girls half my age who do it. What are they gonna do at 40 or 50, when the s-h-i-t really hits the fan?”

Wait, did she really spell “shit”? Because if she did, that’s awesome, and I wonder if it’s because she has kids. See, my husband and I were out with some friends this past weekend, and to give you a little background information on our household unit, there’s a whole laundry list of words that we don’t say in front of our daughter (and our son, too, though he’s only two months old and doesn’t really understand a whole lot, unfortunately) because even though I’m Snarky Gossip Writer who can use the word f-ck in ways that don’t even make sense sometimes, I think it’s really important not to swear around children and subject them to things, ideas, and words that are generally negative, aren’t appropriate, and can’t be understood, because a four-year-old can’t grasp certain notions and shouldn’t be parroting things they don’t understand.

“Hate,” for example, is a blacklisted word. We just don’t say it in front of the kids*. If we need to convey it, we spell it. Example: “I h-a-t-e those cats across the street who constantly poop in the garden, because honestly, I’m sick of digging feline feces out from underneath my fingernails.” We spell it, because it’s unnecessary for her to hear it and use it in the wrong context, because come on. I don’t really hate cats (OK, so maybe I do), and there are better words to use anyway. So, yeah, we were out, and my husband was talking to one of our friends about something really stupid and boring-awful like mutual funds or whatever, and out of the corner of my ear, I hear my husband say, “Oh, man, I h-a-t-e that,” and I almost died laughing. Like, he’d spelled out the word “hate” to another adult when there were children present. And if that’s Heidi’s thing, too, I automatically have to like her just because SAMESIES.

I just hope girlfriend doesn’t take Sleazy Seal back, even if they were a cute couple.

*Yes, I do realize that we won’t be able to spell around the kids forever, and I’m just going to have to deal with that, but for now, this is what works.

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