Ooh, Miley, you dirty little piggy, you. What will daddy say when he sees his little princess gesticulating all over a large, penis-shaped cake? Oh, and then swigging back Long Island iced teas like a Jersey Shore reject while batting obviously-fake eyelashes (one of which is starting to come undone, thus looking like an escaped tarantula that’s about to eat a face)? Then, to put the cherry on top, she’s found table dancing, exposing her black lace thigh-highs to everyone! Wow. Way to go, girl. That’s some impressive stuff right there.
The above and below (some of which are slightly NSFW, in that if your place of employment has an issue with young women simulating oral sex on phallic-like cakes, maybe you shouldn’t click through the gallery) photos were taken of Miley at boyfriend Liam Hemsworth‘s 22nd birthday party, which was held last weekend.
I don’t know, girl. Announcing you’re a stoner at your birthday party, taking large bites out of red velvet penis cake, and getting tabletop-dancing wasted? It sounds like you’re on a really awesome path, huh? And only nineteen, too. Good for you! You want to know what Lindsay Lohan was doing at nineteen? Here’s a few things: Herbie: Fully Loaded. Being called a “genuine star” by real film critics. Making music. Claiming that you’d never see her in a nude scene. Doing Ellen appearances like this one:
(That’s one bad interview, friends. “I like the word raw”? Oh my. If you didn’t think that was an indicator of what was to come, I don’t know what to tell you. LINDSAY LOHAN LIKES IT RAW, HAR HAR HAR.)
Nineteen, there, folks. Also, that’s really when Lindsay started going off the rails, at the very tail-end of 2005 there. That’s when she wrecked a car and started losing a lot of weight, and even when she developed the first inklings of that ladylike cocaine habit.
Anyway. If these photos of Miley are any indication of what’s to come, I’d say we’re in for a few interesting years, now, aren’t we? If not, and it’s girlfriend just being a relatively-regular nineteen-year-old, that’s OK too. Just be careful, Miles, because a little bit can go a long way, and OBVIOUSLY, the tiniest misstep can set off a crazy spiral of f-cked up events, and then, before you know it, you look a little something like this:
Friends don’t let friends end up with meth face, girl.
Images courtesy of TMZ