Hey, did you guys read Beyonce and Jay-Z’s official birth announcement about baby Blue Ivy Carter? No? Well here it is:
“Hello Hello Baby Blue! We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives. We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support.”
So, wait a damned second now. Where does the business of having an abdomen cut open come into play? Because originally, didn’t baby Blue allegedly enter the world through a manufactured opening somewhere in Beyonce’s midsection, and not through the Tunnel of Love? So, OK. Wait a damned second. She allegedly didn’t want to ruin her body by being pregnant with the baby, but it’s totally alright to stretch her vagina to hell and back to accommodate an allegedly-fake baby? Heavens.
I don’t know about all of you, but I’m tired, friends. I’m tired of speculating about whether or not Beyonce had an engorged lump of human underneath her dresses in all of those pictures or whether it was some kind of cheap pool toy, and I’m just flat-out exhausted when I start to consider the many options that may have been chosen if Beyonce didn’t actually carry her own child (I mean, did she adopt through an agency? Adopt through another pregnant lady? Adopt via Bey ‘n Jay zygote implantation into a host mother?). Honestly, after this huge emotional blow, I’m really just ready to give up.
Me, I say we all give it a good few years, allow this whole situation to breathe and evolve, and then actually see what this kid ends up looking like. Because truly, guys, I just don’t have the dedication to good old Beyonce here to continue wondering what the big deal is behind every single thing she does with this child and to analyze every cryptic statement that’s been made to date. I just don’t think I’m cut out for that kind of mystery, folks.