This is how Jersey Shore‘s Snooki spent Christmas – sitting in her messy bedroom taking self-portraits and mugging for her boyfriend’s really shitty camera. It could be worse – she could have been doing what LeAnn Rimes was doing – busting her tailbone wide open on a bed stuffed with goose down feathers. Thank God for small favors, am I right?

Anyway, you’re “rich,” girl, why don’t you go buy your dumb duck a new camera? Or at the very least, you know, hire a maid to clean up after yourselves. Hell.

Remember Rachel Uchitel? The chick who affaired with Tiger Woods and David Boreanaz and God knows who else? Apparently she’s pregnant! By her husband! I didn’t even know she had a husband – isn’t that just so wonderful for her?

Congratulations to the girl, and may you teach your child to be more compassionate about those who have no teeth and to stay out of rehab as best as he or she can. Oh! Also to quit licking golf balls, ’cause you never do know what ditch they’ve been sitting in.

Image courtesy of TMZ

From Jezebel:

It’s Pregnancé no more because reports are coming thick and fast that Beyoncé is having her baby – with talk that she’s probably crowning this very moment! With nurses and security at New York’s St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital being advised to prepare themselves for a high-profile client checking in to give birth late yesterday, word on the maternity ward is that it’s none other than Mama B. Though this hasn’t been confirmed, two gossipy nurses have said that the VIP has booked out half of the Labor and Delivery Suite at the hospital – the same one where friend Alicia Keys gave birth last year.

Sure, OK. Beyonce‘s giving birth now. She wore a prosthetic bump on that awards show a few months ago to embellish her pregnancy announcement and was only, like, 12 weeks along, but she’s delivering that baby today. Or very soon. Right.

Best wishes to the woman bearing your child, Beyonce! I hope you paid her well for all of this confusion and make-believe!

Vanessa Hudgens got high on white chocolate. [The Superficial]

Three months to go for Jessica Simpson! [Lainey Gossip]

Deion Sanders filed for divorce behind his wife’s back. [Bossip]

Chris Evans thinks it’s all downhill after 30. [Starpulse]

Steven Tyler‘s engaged! Again! [Starpulse]

Lindsay Lohan has “changed.” [The Blemish]

Remember when: Lindsay Lohan did a hot rendition of ‘Jingle Bell Rock’. [theBERRY]

SNL writer suicide. [Huff Po]

Blind item: what celebrity has a weird, sexual donkey obsession? [Hollywood Dame]

Drew Brees in the shower is SO HOT. [Socialite Life]

Kim Kardashian seeks tragic dead children to support her fame. [The Superficial]

Owen Wilson: headed for a relapse? [Cele|bitchy]

Sylvester Stallone‘s scary (recent) topless photos. [Popbytes]

Victoria’s Secret Angel is knocked up again. [IDLYITW]

Ah, how often we forget that celebrities are actually “real” people, much like we are, and how grafitying it can be to see them doing normal things like going to the gym, buying coffee, and wearing hats to try and disguise just how normal they are.

Here’re the 5 Best Celebrities Without Makeup of 2011:

#5 – Sammi Giancola

So, right, I realize that she’s not technically without makeup, but compared to what she *usually* looks like, this is as bare-faced as it gets, guys.

#4 – Miranda Kerr

This one is kind of a given, because if you’re a Victoria’s Secret supermodel, you’re contractually obligated to look like this. OF COURSE she’s going to show up on the “good” side of this list somewhere.

#3 – Khloe Kardashian

Some of you probably think that it’s a joke, or a mistake, that Khloe ended up on this side of the post, but compared to her older drama queen sisters, Khloe-sans-makeup is refreshing enough to make you forget that she doesn’t look all that great in comparison to what she looks like with makeup. So in the paradox world of the Kardashians, that makes her look AMAZING in the real world.

#2 – Kirstie Alley

Here’s another one that might have you scratching at your head, but Kirstie here is included on the ‘Best’ list because she looks her AGE. And she goes out in public not really giving a f-ck about what people think about her face, and that’s probably more attractive than most of the plasticky people we talk about overall.

#1 – Jennifer Love Hewitt

Bitch please. Did you think you were going to escape 2011 without at least one more “I LOVE JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT” post?

Jump in for the worst!

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Yesterday we did the Top 5 Douchebags of 2011, so I thought it only fair to give credit where credit is due (even if the aforementioned “credit” is only on temporary loan, like most credit is and then the person in slot #2 shoots back to complete grossness, and not just partial) and acknowledge those celebrities who have done some good for themselves, yes?

#5 – Evan Rachel Wood

Amazing what not sleeping next to Marilyn Manson can do for a girl, huh? She’s almost attractive these days, if you can forget that she posed naked and bloodied while eating cake. And participating in sodomy.

#4 – Mariah Carey

A lot of people thought that Mariah’s figure, at almost forty-two years old, was all but gone, and after having twins, most said that was the nail in the coffin. She sure showed them, mmhmm girl.

#3 – Jennifer Hudson

Unbelievable, right? Now if she can stop losing weight for five minutes, things might continue to be OK. Girlfriend doesn’t have another ounce to lose.

Jump in to see the top 2 transformations of 2011!

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