Ever wonder what Lady Gaga’s nips look like? No? I don’t blame you. I didn’t either, but since the photo was right in front of my face, I couldn’t control my compulsive click-through habit to see what awaited me on the other side.

However, as much as it surprises you, Lady Gaga‘s nipples do not look anything like Miley Cyrus, unfortunate as that is, so to see the rill dill, you’ll have to check in after the jump.

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OK, so we officially can’t talk about this video until you’ve watched it. Go ahead, I’ve got a minute or so to kill and pour a second cup of coffee, let me know when you’re done.

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Alright, done? Good? What’s that, you’re still wiping the tears of laughter from your eyes and can’t see the screen just yet? OK, how about this: ARE YOU DONE YET? DID YOU WATCH THE ENTIRE VIDEO? No, I’m not shouting, I’m just … never mind. Alright.

Ready? Together, and on the count of three – one, two, three: LOL! LOL!! ROFLCOPTER! Courtney wants to bring back the “classy, beautiful edge of old Hollywood”? Oh I could just die. I could just die. Also, at the very end when she was talking about “the career of Courtney Stodden.” Yeah. Er, “Yeah!” I mean, of course.

Here’s some of that great music she’s been busy making, too. BEWARE.

Y’all know how J. Lo’s been rumored to be dating that – ugh – backup dancer, Casper Smart, right? Well it’s official. Either these two are doing it with the lights out, or Jenny from the block is just extra-friendly to most of the staff on her tour roster.

These photos are of J. Lo and her new boytoy, Casper, and they depict nothing other than gropey, smoochey, eyelash-batting lunacy that makes me think girlfriend’s either lost her mind, or she got sick and tired of sleeping next to a bitter, shriveled fig of a penis for the last few years.

To maintain some semblance of respect for a hot woman, I’m really, really hoping it’s the latter – especially since someone apparently struck out with B. Coop. No good, girl.

And finally:

Have you heard about Lincoln? It’s a movie about, uh, Lincoln, where Daniel Day-Lewis plays Abraham Lincoln and Academy Award winner Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. (I feel like the Boniva commercials might undermine her credibility as Mary Todd, but whatever.)

Anyway, the movie is currently shooting in Virginia, where Daniel Day-Lewis recently took his ridiculously accurate facial hair out on a lunch date. Also! According to Variety‘s Jeff Sneider, “Day-Lewis hasn’t broken his Lincoln accent since March.”

Lincoln also stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tommy Lee Jones, with Jackie Earle Haley, John Hawkes, James Spader, and Tim Blake Nelson all in supporting roles. Wow, right?

I remember back when I was in high school, it was, like, a cardinal sin to wear black and brown together. Do you guys remember that? And your purse always, always had to match your shoes? Your belt, too? That was so stupid, wasn’t it. The hell we went through to be in fashion during a time that ultimately didn’t mean squadoosh. Plus, I always loved the black-on-brown look. I thought it was classy. Not like that time in elementary school that my mom tried to send me to school wearing a pink sweatshirt with red corduroys. Jesus. Fashion fail, mom – fashion fail.

See, now, if I close my eyes for the first few seconds, it’s not so bad. But then I hear that awful, whiny “Baby” voice, and I’m brought back to the reality of what’s seriously going on. Also, does Mariah Carey just not dance anymore? Is her majesty above having to move on the set of a music video? She’s just content to pick up a tibia and toss it behind her every now and again, is that what this is?

Finally, the whole thing just sounds so damned auto-tuned. It’s not even real. It’s a bad dream, and I’m going to wake up any minute now.

… Any minute now, right? OK?