I don’t have a whole lot to say about this post, because it kind of speaks for itself. Olivia Munn did a shoot and interview about how nerdy she is for men’s magazine, FHM. That’s really kind of the extent of it.

Also, I realize that some people are gonna say, “Waaaah, blah blah blah you’re just jealous of Olivia Munn because she’s SO HOT and SEXY NERD WHATEVER,” but guys? I can assure you: I am not jealous of … LOL … Olivia Munn. Eva Mendes, yes. Rachel McAdams? Oh my God, absolutely. Whatever random vapidy-vapid that happens to be dating Adrien Brody at any given time? Don’t-get-me-started-on-that-yes. But Olivia Munn? Christ, no. Not a peanut butter smidgen’s chance in Khloe Kardashian’s fridge.

Your choices are as follows:

-Jessica Simpson (who, ahem, is probably my personal favorite). Though it hasn’t been confirmed how far along she is, I’d guess she’s about six months pregnant:

-Hilary Duff. I’m going to guess she’s probably about four months along. Girlfriend here has a way to go before she pops, if you know what I mean (and if you don’t, well … OK):

-Beyonce. It’s debatable as to whether this woman actually is pregnant or not, but for the sake of fun, I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt this time. Until, at least, her bump pops and floats away. People are putting her at three, six, and eight months pregnant. I just couldn’t tell you, folks:

Who’s the hottest pregnant woman going?

“I don’t even want to tell people, ‘It gets better.’ I want to just go, ‘It’s over in four years.’ It’s, literally, the day after you graduate, you could run into people you went to high school with and you will literally both go, ‘What the f—k was that all about? Jesus Christ, I’m sorry, man.’ It literally ends like that, if you let it. Because you know what everyone is in high school, whether you’re gay or straight or male or female, you know what you are? You’re a f—king high schooler! And a high schooler is an unnatural state of existence, and it’s not humanity, and it’s not real life.”

—Nerd hero Patton Oswalt, who costars with Charlize Theron in Young Adult, on bullying. (It’s a really fascinating interview.)

I can appreciate where Oswalt is going with this idea, I think. I once played in a rock band at a junior high dance—no kidding—and afterward, three pre-teen girls who, uh, knew all the words to Cheap Trick’s “Surrender,” approached me. And these were the tough, cool outcasts (I was not a tough, cool outcast in junior high, just a dweeb), and one girl said to me, “It gets better, right? In high school? That’s what everyone says.”

And another girl piped up, “Yeah! In high school we’ll find our ‘niche.’”

Oh, boy. The only thing uglier than high school is junior high, maybe.

And I said to these kids something like, oh, man, there will always be people who suck. But you will eventually go away to college and finally form your all-girl punk band and you will never have to talk to those other people again, so start working on music right now.

And then the girls were really excited and wanted to tell me all these supercool band names they had already come up with in a spiral notebook they shared. (Which, as everyone knows, is the crucial first step in forming any band.)

In retrospect, and this might counter Oswalt’s very nice quote, I do think little pieces of junior high come back to haunt you (especially if you work in an office, which has its own ecosystem and its own BMOCs). But you already survived high school, which—as Oswalt says—is populated with high schoolers, yuck. And survivors are tough cookies. So get to work and forge, forge ahead, all ye beleaguered.

So this one time, Tom Cruise was the guest of honor on a cruise ship for Scientologists, and it was his birthday, and he jumped up to sing “Old Time Rock and Roll,” and his performance was in turns kind of cute and really painful. (Lainey gets it right when she calls Tom Cruise a total “dad” and a “middle-aged dork.”)

The 2004 video is going viral today, but I knew it looked familiar—and sure enough, it is just one clip from what must be a “Tom’s Birthday Party” DVD.

These days, Tom Cruise is doing the promotional rounds for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, and I gotta admit, as cuckoo as the man is, he’s still a hottie. He looks a little like 1990s Mark Harmon.

“I had to sing ‘Call Me Irresponsible’ in front of 20 million people, and the first thing I saw when I got on stage was Simon. I sang about four lines and he looked at me and did this [he rolls his eyes] and that was it, I was done. It killed me. My confidence dropped. Maybe Cheryl Cole gets a little quiet and more demure when she loses her confidence. But I become aloof. I get the attitude of, ‘Oh really? Well, f*ck you. You don’t like me? Then go f*ck yourself. I’m just gonna do whatever’.”

That would be Michael Buble on performing for Simon and company back in 2007 on American Idol. Looks to me here that we’ve got ourselves a *cocky, mouthy sonofabitch, huh? I mean, I like Michael Buble’s music, and I think he’s pretty talented (I *actually* just bought his new Christmas album, ’cause I like JAZZY CHRISTMAS STANDARDS), but I also think he’s a little too big for his britches. It’s not like he’s f*cking Elvis or anything, Jaysus. Have some grace, dude.

*Also, yes, I realize that I, too, am a cocky, mouthy sonofabitch, and normally I’d relate to the Boob here, but I’m not the one with billions of fans worldwide that I have to make happy, now, am I? Last, I’ve seen his stage performances – I’d roll my eyes, too.

See that, up there? That’s the best piece of publicity that the Kardashian family’s gotten in the last thirty days. In case you didn’t recognize her without all of the makeup and glitz, that’s Khloe Kardashian on her way to the gym, and I think it’s positively refreshing to see that she hits the gym without a full-on Kabuki mask, like other celebrities are prone to.

Another thing I don’t understand? Those who go to the beach wearing makeup and jewelry. Last I checked, going to the beach for leisure was a recreational event and not a fashion shoot, but hey. These are the douchebags making millions of dollars a year, and here I am wearing last season’s sweatpants. Who’s one-up on that one, huh?